I can honestly say I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I saw L this morning. I had a hideous night last night, I was feeling truly desperate and really struggling a lot, and so I was exhausted and very tense by my appointment this morning, and to be honest I went in there wanting to die far more than I wanted to get better. I can't remember it in too much detail, as my head was all over the place. At first I was finding it really difficult as there were lots of slamming doors and people talking and laughing really loudly and it was making me feel very on edge. She asked how I was. She asked what the most difficult thing to deal with was at the moment, and what was occupying most of my thoughts, and I said definitely suicidal thoughts. She asked how they had changed since I saw her 2 weeks ago: in intensity or frequency, or type, and I said all three. I had written down some of my thoughts last night, as when I was feeling so bad last night I was talking to Part of Being Sane and she said to tell L everything that was going on, and suggested I write down everything I had said to her about suicidal thoughts, images etc etc and write it down so that I could give it to L today. I wasn't sure if I would be able to give it to her or not, but at this point I mentioned that I had written about it last night, as I felt like her reading it would be easier than me saying it, but she said she wanted me to try and explain first, so I did. She never mentioned what I had written again, so I didn't show her. I said a lot of it anyway - I think there are probably things I did forget to say, but nothing too major really.
She asked about what had happened with the crisis team - what they had said and who had I seen etc. I said about speaking to someone Friday night, and then them visiting Saturday, and saying they would call the next morning, but that nobody did, and then they suddenly turned up without any warning and hadn't read my notes, and then about speaking to the woman on the phone in the evening. I said they had talked about getting me to see either their team psychiatrist or Dr E as soon as possible, and said I now had no idea what was going on, as I had been told twice on Sunday that I would be called on Monday, and I hadn't heard anything. She said that they had spoken to her Monday and discharged me back to her, and told her that they either had or would contact me, which obviously they didn't, and that they hadn't mentioned anything about arranging a psychiatrist appointment. I felt immensely frustrated by this, as it was the one thing that everyone from the crisis team that I saw or spoke to had said would happen, and I was also really annoyed that I had been discharged without being told - I think they should do what they say they are going to even if they are planning to discharge you, as the woman Sunday night just said I only needed to focus on getting through Sunday night, and then they would be ringing first thing, and seeing me again etc, and then I heard nothing all day yesterday, and although I wasn't even sure whether or not I wanted to speak to them, I found it really hard that they didn't call - partly because waiting for their calls or visits makes me very anxious, and so I spent the entire day in a state of anxiety. So that is the end of their involvement
She asked how I thought things could change, and I said I had absolutely no idea. She asked if I had been seeing or talking to friends, and I said I hadn't seen or spoken to anyone on the phone, but that I had spoken to people online. For some reason she then went on to talk about relationships - how did I feel about them, did I ever feel like I wanted to be in a relationship with someone, how do I feel about it when things are better. She asked about my concentration, and whether anything at all helped at the moment. I suppose she was just asking the type of questions usually asked to gauge risk, and that things like relationships and thoughts about the future all come into that. She started saying something about getting through this, I can't remember what, and I suddenly felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks - I felt physically sick and incredibly anxious, and all I could think was that I couldn't cope and that I didn't want to get through this. She asked what the matter was and I explained that, and also said that last night was just more hideous than I could possibly even begin to describe and that I just could not face another night like that, and that even things got better they would get worse again, and I couldn't cope with that, and so the thought of getting through this wasn't what I wanted - I wanted to die more than I wanted my current feelings to change, because I knew even if they changed, I would end up feeling really awful again at some point and I just couldn't cope.
I can't remember if she asked me anything else or not at this point. She said that if things were as bad as this, then she needed to think about involving my parents. I tried to explain that I genuinely didn't feel it would help (I really don't, and not because I am worried they would be able to stop me from killing myself or anything - I just do not find it helpful). I said about the woman on Sunday night telling me to ask my parents to look in on me before I went to work, and how since then the suicidal thoughts changed in nature because I felt like I needed something without a time restraint like that as a result of what she said, and that since then I had felt worse and that was really when I started getting a lot of graphic images etc. She said that she had to assess risk, and felt that with everything I was saying about how suicidal I was feeling, not being able to see a future, not caring about anything etc etc, that she had to consider what to do, and that she felt it would be appropriate to have a CPA review with my parents as well, and that we also needed to look at if anything she was doing was helping if I was feeling this bad, or whether she was using a wrong approach, or was the wrong person to be working with me. All of this made me feel even worse - I felt like I was being backed into a corner with the situation with my parents, which immediately made me start having thoughts about killing myself as soon as possible, and I then felt like the only person in mental health I had ever really trusted was going to abandon me even if I did get through this, which was another reason not to. I said that I didn't understand how I could be considered high enough risk that my parents could be talked to against my wishes, and yet the crisis team had discharged me. She said that they had discharged me back to her, so it wasn't though I had just been discharged completely, but that they had presumably done their own risk assessments.
I can't really remember what happened then. I know she said that she was mindful of the time as she had a meeting to go to, but I can't remember if that was before I said the previous things or after. She made an appointment to see me in two weeks and told me to think about things and what I wanted to change, because at the moment she felt like there was nothing to work with as my outlook just seemed so bleak, and that she would organise a CPA review at some point with my parents as well, which I am assuming will be in more than two weeks, as she is apparently on leave next week. I asked how I was supposed to get through the next two weeks alone when I didn't feel able to get through another night like last night. I said that even the thought of knowing I am supposed to go to a rehearsal tonight made me feel really desperate and sends me into a panic. I know that I was difficult today. I was completely honest, but I was in a mood where I felt like I just wanted to die rather than get better, and said so, and I know that must have been really frustrating for her. I did explain that sometimes I did feel like I wanted to get better and wanted help, but that my mood just swings so quickly between the two. She said something about needing to make the decision to keep going or something, I can't really remember. I had started to cry by this point, which is very rare for me, and she said she really needed to go, so I got up to put on my scarf and jumper and was really upset by this point, and really just wanted to sit and bawl for a while, but I knew she would need to lock up the room and so that wasn't an option, so I just had to choke back the tears and leave. She said to take care and that she would see me in two weeks.
I am unsure if a) she doesn't believe I am feeling as bad as I am, b) truly believes that I will be able to get through the next two weeks with no support as I have coped in the past since I have been seeing her, or c) doesn't care what happens to me. I actually don't think it is a) - she seemed to fully believe what I was saying, although she seemed to be at a bit of a loss about what to say some of the time. It could be b) but I don't know how if she believes a). And it could be c) but she always used to care so I don't understand what changed if it is that. I am honestly at a complete loss as to what to do. Despite feeling so ambivalent about wanting help today I was still completely honest with her and told her everything, and I still don't understand how she can think a CPA with my parents is necessary, but giving me any support at all over the next two weeks isn't. I told my GP on Friday. I was honest as I could be with the crisis team. I feel like I have done absolutely everything that I can.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago