I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.
My mum's boss died this morning. That's sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn't even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don't think my mum will have had a very good birthday.
I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don't want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don't remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago