Sunday, 6 February 2011
Crisis team phone call - 1
I just phoned the crisis team. I felt like I needed to do it before things were at a point where I wouldn't be able to tell them how bad things are, which is likely to be what happens the later it gets. I spoke to a nurse who I am pretty sure I have seen a couple of times before and never found to be overly supportive, but I decided I needed to try and tell her anyway. I said that I found it really difficult to talk earlier but that I was struggling a lot, and she said they had known I was struggling at the moment, so I did get that across. I immediately wasn't quite sure what to say, as it felt like she was saying yes, we get it, you feel crap, why are you ringing? I said that the woman yesterday had said to call if I felt like things were getting any worse before it got to the point where I wouldn't be able to and she said that was the right thing to do and that sometimes talking things through for a few minutes can help. She talked a lot about how things aren't always this bad, and how although I have bad periods, it has been a long time since it was bad enough that they were involved, and that things would get better etc etc. I then went on to say that I had been thinking a lot about killing myself tonight over the last couple of days, as I would have all night when my parents were asleep, and then all day tomorrow when they would be out at work. She said I should ask them to check in on me in the morning, and then that would mean I wouldn't have that time and so wouldn't act on the thoughts, and that I should go and ask them to do that as soon as I stopped talking to her. But I can't. I don't want to be checked on in the morning. If I feel like I need to kill myself I want the highest chance of it working. And as soon as she said about that giving me less time etc it immediately made me think that I needed to use my second method, which is my less preferred one, but not a time issue. She then went on to say that I had called so obviously wanted help, and so there was at least part of me that didn't want to die and didn't want it to work, which I have to say I always find really frustrating. It may be true, but it feels like a 'if you wanted to die you would have already killed yourself thing'. I do often find that asking for help means you get taken less seriously. And the thing is, my moods are just so all over the place, sometimes I do want help, other times I just want to die and I don't want help. Obviously there is a part of me that is asking for help, but it is for the sake of others, rather than because I want to live for myself, because I really don't. So I found that quite difficult. She asked how it had been left with them seeing me tomorrow, and I said about them saying they would contact the psychiatrist and L, and she said they would probably be visiting again tomorrow, although I am not sure if that will be the case after they have spoken to L. It wasn't that she was unhelpful or anything. I just feel so hopeless. She said someone would still call later this evening, as they discussed earlier, so I guess that is something, but I am just feeling pretty hopeless.