Sunday, 6 February 2011

Crisis team phone call - 1

I just phoned the crisis team. I felt like I needed to do it before things were at a point where I wouldn't be able to tell them how bad things are, which is likely to be what happens the later it gets. I spoke to a nurse who I am pretty sure I have seen a couple of times before and never found to be overly supportive, but I decided I needed to try and tell her anyway. I said that I found it really difficult to talk earlier but that I was struggling a lot, and she said they had known I was struggling at the moment, so I did get that across. I immediately wasn't quite sure what to say, as it felt like she was saying yes, we get it, you feel crap, why are you ringing? I said that the woman yesterday had said to call if I felt like things were getting any worse before it got to the point where I wouldn't be able to and she said that was the right thing to do and that sometimes talking things through for a few minutes can help. She talked a lot about how things aren't always this bad, and how although I have bad periods, it has been a long time since it was bad enough that they were involved, and that things would get better etc etc. I then went on to say that I had been thinking a lot about killing myself tonight over the last couple of days, as I would have all night when my parents were asleep, and then all day tomorrow when they would be out at work. She said I should ask them to check in on me in the morning, and then that would mean I wouldn't have that time and so wouldn't act on the thoughts, and that I should go and ask them to do that as soon as I stopped talking to her. But I can't. I don't want to be checked on in the morning. If I feel like I need to kill myself I want the highest chance of it working. And as soon as she said about that giving me less time etc it immediately made me think that I needed to use my second method, which is my less preferred one, but not a time issue. She then went on to say that I had called so obviously wanted help, and so there was at least part of me that didn't want to die and didn't want it to work, which I have to say I always find really frustrating. It may be true, but it feels like a 'if you wanted to die you would have already killed yourself thing'. I do often find that asking for help means you get taken less seriously. And the thing is, my moods are just so all over the place, sometimes I do want help, other times I just want to die and I don't want help. Obviously there is a part of me that is asking for help, but it is for the sake of others, rather than because I want to live for myself, because I really don't. So I found that quite difficult. She asked how it had been left with them seeing me tomorrow, and I said about them saying they would contact the psychiatrist and L, and she said they would probably be visiting again tomorrow, although I am not sure if that will be the case after they have spoken to L. It wasn't that she was unhelpful or anything. I just feel so hopeless. She said someone would still call later this evening, as they discussed earlier, so I guess that is something, but I am just feeling pretty hopeless.


  1. sorry i'm useless right now, but i want you to know i'm thinking of you and sending massive hugs. always here if you want a chat, you can get me on facebook. love xx

  2. I don't know what to say. Trying to get help for yourself sounds exhausting!!! Why are they being so un-helpful? You must be so frustrated with the lack of their support.
    I think you do need to be in hospital right now. I know its not something you want. (None of us do) but I think its the best place for you right now. Have you come right out and said to them that you think you need to be in hospital???
    Wished I could help. But instead all I can do is give you a big virtual hug. ((HUG))

  3. Massively well done for calling them, hon.
    Yeah, I am sure the crisis team woman meant well, but that comment is hugely patronising that 'part of you doesn't want to die' as you asked for help. I have had that said to me. It's not as simple as that. Obviously part of you *does* want to die, and *that's* what needs addressing. Yes there are reasons why you haven't done it yet, but that doesn't really help you - the risk is that at some point you feel those reasons are outweighed by wanting to die. You said you basically haven't done anything yet because of other people, not for you, and that, honestly, shows what a state you are in, hon.
    I hope the crisis team do call you later, and that they're more help - if they don't, call them, OK? (cliche time: there are also Samaritans, Mind, Sane etc helplines, but you know that).
    I also hope tomorrow results in proper help for you - I think the crisis team definitely need to keep seeing you.
    I wish there was more I could say, hon.

  4. Hugs, hugs & more hugs. Sorry, am crap right now, just want to say am thinking of you & that you did the right thing by calling them x

  5. Oh honey. I don't know what to say. Please try and hang on till tomorrow. It sounds quite positive that they want you to see a psychiatrist ASAP. Perhaps they could try you on some meds that could help you?

    I'm sorry, this comment is so shite. Sending massive *hugs* and love. Love you lots.

  6. (If they help, good. Personally I found them morons. In the end, it's what is you that helps. Sorry. Probably not helpful. But mine were shite. I hope yours are different.) Take care, etc, dx