I am really determined to get an earlier night tonight. It was 7am again last night/this morning, and I just find that so hideous. I hate being awake still when I hear my parents getting up. If I lived on my own I don't think I would care, but I just hate hearing other people getting up when I haven't been to sleep yet. So I am really hoping for an earlier night tonight.
I got through rehearsal ok. I had to go at 6:30 to work on my songs for an hour with the Musical Director. That was ok. He seemed happy enough, although he is very precise about what he wants, so is quite hard to please. And seems to think that I have lungs of steel and can hold a note for far longer than I actually can. But he seemed pleased. Although it was slightly embarrassing, as I have a tendency to not warm up very thoroughly before rehearsals - on Mondays I literally don't get a chance to as I go straight from ballet, and on Wednesdays I tend to do maybe 5 or 10 minutes, which is totally inadequate. Tonight I had probably warmed up for about 20 minutes, which is still fairly pathetic, but an improvement on usual, and he asked if I had just come from a singing lesson or had been warming up properly as it sounded much better than usual. Note to self: warm up properly - people can tell the difference unfortunately. I have got very lazy vocally - I haven't had a proper singing lesson since the summer, and I don't sing every day, which I really should be doing, and then I expect to be able to go into a rehearsal, without warming up properly, and sing four solos, a duet, and solo lines in a couple of other songs, plus ensemble singing. Doesn't work. It isn't fair on my voice. After that I spent an hour and a quarter getting increasingly fed up and desperate to get home, as I was just sitting around, as they were working on a number I am not in. Then finally they started work on the number we were scheduled to rehearse tonight, which is a big ensemble number, lead by me and three others, which has a big tap break in the middle. The tap is very fast - not difficult steps, but very fast, and with some tricky rhythms, which makes it difficult. Unfortunately I have already forgotten one section, which is indicative of my current inability to concentrate and retain information, as usually I just have to do a dance a couple of times and it is ingrained in my head, but I just can't remember some of it at all. I now have no rehearsals for a week and a half, which is the most enormous relief. It is half term next week, and as the MD is a music teacher, and the Director/Choreographer is a dance teacher, they both have the week off work, and so are going away (they are a couple), which means no rehearsals until Sunday 27th. I also don't have ballet next week for the same reason, so I basically have no commitments at all for the next week and a half, and that just feels so good. Although at the same time, it does make me feel more unsafe. When I have commitments, like rehearsals that I know I can't miss as it would mess things up for the rest of the cast, it makes me feel obliged to keep going however shit I feel, whereas now I am free from that, which makes the suicidal thoughts even stronger. Of course I realise it would be difficult for them after that week and a half if I were dead, but I can't think that far ahead, and all I can think at the moment is that I have no commitments at the moment, my mum's birthday is out of the way, and so there is nothing to stop me acting on my thoughts. To be honest I am feeling quite unsafe.
I tried to phone my GP earlier. I didn't have a clue what I would say to her. Saying 'I don't trust you because you have been taken over by them and now you have taken over my mum, but I need help' seemed somewhat inappropriate, but is the truth. I don't trust her any more - I don't trust anyone. But I am desperate, particularly as I knew I have been feeling increasingly unsafe. So I didn't really know what to do. In the end I did ring, at about 12:30, and the receptionist said they would get her to call me back as she was with a patient. She didn't ring all afternoon, and I know that she has afternoon surgery from 4 - 6, so I knew that if she did call me back it would be after that. I had left my mobile number as usual, but I had to leave for rehearsal at 6, and was rehearsing alone with the MD until nearly 7:30, so couldn't have taken any calls in that time even if she had rung. My GP tends to phone at strange times - I have had a call from her at 8:15pm before, so I kept my phone on vibrate in my pocket, so that I could answer it if she did ring, but I didn't hear anything. When I got home my dad said she had rung at 7:30 - I don't know why she had called the landline rather than my mobile, but obviously it meant I couldn't speak to her. That doesn't really feel like a bad thing - I didn't know what I could say anyway. I just feel like I need help from somewhere, and I would prefer to speak to her than whoever happened to be on duty at the CMHT. L is in work tomorrow, so I have sent an email asking if she could phone me. Again, I feel very unsure about what I can say, as I am still feeling really mistrustful of all professionals, and I know she can't change how I feel or what I am planning to do, but I just really need to talk to someone I know, and whom I have trusted in the past, even if I don't at the moment. It probably won't help or make any difference, but at least I will have tried. I really have absolutely no idea what I can say to her. I don't even know what I am scared of. I just don't trust anyone at the moment. I do wonder whether there is any point trying to get help. I have done that, it didn't work. Maybe I should just learn from that and not try and get help - just get on with it. But when I feel very suicidal and unsafe I just get this frustrating part of me that nags me to talk to someone, even if I know it will make no difference. I suppose knowing it will make no difference is why it feels safe to do so. I know nobody can stop me from acting on my thoughts if that is what I choose to do, or at least L wouldn't anyway, so despite feeling like she has been taken over and is against me, I know she wouldn't make me do something I wasn't happy with, like insisting I go to A&E, or having me assessed or anything like that, and my mum already knows so it isn't like she can threaten to speak to her. That's one of the reasons I couldn't call the CMHT whilst she was away - there was the possibility of fuckwit ex-care coordinator being on duty, and if he knew I was feeling like this then he would insist I went to A&E, or have me assessed under the MHA, and I am not having either of those things happen. But I still trust L not to do that, and I don't believe my trust in that respect is misplaced, because I know hospital is the last thing she wants for me. I feel confused. I don't know what to say to her if she calls. I don't know what I can tell her. I don't trust her because I know she is on their side, but she is also my only option. And she can't stop me. Suicide feels so appealing. It is like it is beckoning to me. I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I am beyond confused. My brain just feels like it has collapsed.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago