I think (hope) I might be able to get to sleep earlier tonight. About every 10 days I seem to have a night where I am able to sleep earlier than usual (usual being sometime between 6 and 7am lately) and I am thinking tonight may be that night. Although I have no idea why I am thinking that. Desperation perhaps?? Since it is already 2:30am I suppose the chances are fairly low.
Rehearsal was long - 3 hours. Apparently not knowing my lines was fine - I said I was going to use my book because I wasn't confident enough with my stage directions or cues yet (which is true - we have only done any of the scenes once or twice, and that was the first time running the Act, and even if I had known my lines I would have needed my script for some of the stage directions I have scribbled in etc). Anyway she said that was fine - that when she had said books down for principals she hadn't meant for me or the male lead. Would have been nice if she could have said that at the time, but never mind. As usual I spent the whole time desperate to get home, so the rehearsal running over by half an hour was far from ideal. I felt pretty useless at rehearsal too. I felt like everyone must be wondering why I had been cast, because I know I was.
I have eaten way too much today. I feel disgusting. And it was all late night eating. That is when I am most vulnerable to eating too much. Rehearsal didn't finish until 10:30, and yet I managed to pack plenty of food in between then and about midnight. Hate myself for that.
I am still feeling the same. Feeling increasingly drained and exhausted by it all, and feel like I have less and less fight left in me each day. My head feels all over the place. I can't focus on anything. Still not heard anything from L, so I am now assuming she isn't planning to contact me before I am due to see her next week. I am not sure why. It is my nephew's birthday tomorrow. Birthdays are exciting when you are that age, so I mustn't do anything to ruin it for him, even though I won't be seeing him as my sister still isn't speaking to me. But my mum will be going over there, and I suppose if I was dead then she wouldn't. I had forgotten it was his birthday tomorrow until earlier today, and it was incredibly frustrating as I had kind of been planning to do something tonight, and that made me feel like I couldn't. So I have to keep holding on. I hate it. More than I can put into words. This is not living, and I am not interested in just surviving. I just want it all to stop.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago