Sunday, 13 February 2011
Broken
I don't know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can't sleep properly. I don't seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can't read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can't concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren't any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet - he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn't have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn't leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn't convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me - his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me - he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn't have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn't an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to be without my teddy. It is my mum's birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don't ruin the day for her, and I don't think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.
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I get the teadybear,... He's never let you down,....
ReplyDeleteOh hon... hugs.
ReplyDeleteMy mum used to do that too. I can understand that she needs to make sense of things, but it's not helpful in the slightest. I just want to give you a hug, as ineffectual as that is <3
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT some kind of support-Junkie. It is right to want support when in crisis, this is what THEY tell us to request. And then when you do you are dismissed and ignored. This is NOT good enough.
ReplyDeleteI really thought and hoped your mum would be more supportive, but you know some people are stuck on that idea that medical professionals are 'god' and their word is 'gospel' and so are easily convinced. That said you are her daughter and she should look through that and see the pain in front of her.
I am extremely worried that no-one is taking you seriously and I worry that it may take you doing something dangerous til they see. something which could be prevented if they helped you.
It is not wrong to want help from others or support, it makes me angry that they pin this on some BPD trait. I have read your blog for long time and you arent ringign crisis all the time etc, going A&E deamanding attention, why can't they see that. Crisis and desperation are such whatever your diagnosis why would it be ok for someone with Bipolar I guess to seek help but you have to do this alone???
This is not good enough this two tier mental health service. This cherry picking of who they can help and who is deemed worthy.
That said things are still crap whatever diagnosis example- my MHA assesment thursday and prof concern friday but I hven't had as much as call to see how am. but I think what BPD does is give them even more reason to not help someone because it might in their opinion re-inforce maladaptive behaviour or something
I'm sorry this is so long, and am rambling struggling writing to. But I need you to know that I care whatever that means from here, nota lot really. I hope your teddy provides some support
I really hope you get through this one and stay safe.
La-reve
xx
((hugs)), remember we're not against you, we'll support you every step of the way in any way we can. I love my teddy bear too, whenever I'm alone I cling to him. Take care.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I a very angry on your behalf and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's not fair. Why is your Trust so bad? :(
ReplyDeleteTotally understand looking to your teddy for comfort. No one else seems to be offering you any. I'm sorry that your Mum can't seem to understand just how desperate you are feeling. It's a disgrace how the Trust is treating you. And I agree with La-reve that there is a 2 tier system when it comes to BPD. When a friend of mine was in crisis she didn't know where to turn either and I even tried calling and talking to her CC myself. There's too much prejudice and suspciion when it comes to BPD and mental health services and I'm so sorry that you are paying the price for their ignorance. I wish there was something I could do for you hon, hate thinking about you in so much pain. All I can offer is a friendly ear and some hugs. And if your teddy will help you get through tomorrow, you take him. And don't worry about anyone else. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly new to your blog but I just wanted to let you know that I understand so much of what you write. I know I cant say anything to make you feel any better. I do hope you get the support that you need and are definitely entitled to.
ACrazyMentalist x
I don't know what to do or say. I give you my heart. Your feelings are ALWAYS your feelings. Don't let anyone try to take that away from you. And if it is at all possible, be who you are. You should not have to hide how you feel on anyone's behalf except your own. Kisses.
ReplyDeleteMy situation was a little extreme but I will share it anyway, maybe there is something for you in it. I had to cut ties to my mom for a while, she made it abundantly clear that I was a disappointment to her. She constantly made me feel terrible about myself, like it was somehow all my fault that I had bipolar disorder and my life was unmanagable. I internalized it and suffered. I had a good counselor though, that suggested I stop beating my head against a wall. And I pulled away from her for a while. Later on when I was doing better, I reached out, she was able to accept me and even show some love sometimes and we got closer. But for my own preservation, I had to pull back for a while.
ReplyDeleteI know support can be hard to ask for, I fight it too, but what a healing force it is...one place I have found some is - within the friendliest, warmest church I could ever imagine - and before that, when I needed more, I found it in a 12 step program with peers helping each other. There is emotions anonymous and GROW at least in the US. I don't know where you are or even if any of this connects with you. But I do hear you loud and clear and totally understand first hand. I only know for sure that it will pass (change is the only constant) and I hope it is soon that you start to feel better.
For me, unless I get out of my negative, downward, spiraling head that tells me how horrible I am sometimes, I am sunk. Often until the pain is so great, that I just reach out with desperation. But, by letting others with more positive perspectives influence how I view myself and my thinking (simply by being around them sometimes, not necessarily even telling them where I am at emotionally, it can just rub off). Take care, hang in there. Chrys