Tonight has been really really horrible again. I feel so awful and I just can't keep going like this and I am just so desperate. I really can't do this. I have been trying so hard but it just feels harder and harder and I honestly have no idea at all what I can do. I just don't see carrying on like this as an option. It feels too hideous. And I know there is nothing anyone can do because they can't stop me feeling like this but I just feel so horrible and desperate and I just don't know what to do. I know people will say I can get through this, but I can't. I just can't do it. I don't want to keep going because I can't cope with these feelings, they are just too overwhelming. And it's just not getting any easier at all. I either need help or I need to die, and to be quite honest right now I don't care which, but it has to be something, I just can't cope like this. It feels too awful and I feel too desperate. It's just impossible. I know I have said all of this sort of thing before and somehow coped, but this time I just can't. This is the worst I have ever felt, and the last couple of weeks have just been hell, and I can't keep going like this anymore, and it's getting worse not better. I don't know what to say. I don't think there is any way that I can express how horrible I feel and just how strong and overwhelming the thoughts are. I am just completely desperate. I keep wanting to beg, but I don't know what for, because I just want all of this to stop and I know nobody can take the feelings away and I don't think anyone is going to condone suicide. I feel like I am being tortured and I just can't cope anymore. I really can't. I can't go through another night like tonight. I wish I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when things first started getting so bad. Or better still I wish one of my previous attempts had worked. I wish that when the first attempt didn't work I had just kept trying until one had. People sometimes talk about being glad afterwards that suicide attempts didn't work, or that they got through awful periods. I have never felt that. Ever. There has never been a point since I first tried to kill myself five and a half years ago when I felt glad that it hadn't worked and I was still alive. I should have killed myself tonight and I didn't and now it is too late. I should have killed myself weeks ago. This is just unbearable. L was supportive when I spoke to her earlier, but she can't stop me feeling like this. There is nothing that she, or anyone else, can say that is going to change how I feel. And I can't cope with it.
I'm sorry. I just needed to vent. Please know that I am not about to hurt myself in any way - there is no imminent risk. I just needed to try and get out how awful I am feeling, but I have realised there is no way of explaining it. I wish I had some hope left but I don't. There is none, because nobody can help me. Nobody can do anything. I have no options. This is it. And this isn't an option. I just haven't got any fight left. I have no motivation to keep going, particularly as things just keep getting worse rather than better. I'm sorry. I will stop now and try and write something more coherent later.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago