The crisis team did call back as promised, at about 8pm. It was the same woman. Why is that I never get to speak to/see someone from the crisis team more than once unless I don't like them? She asked if I had spoken to my parents, and I said no. She asked if I would like her to, and I said no thank you. She asked why not, and I said that I didn't feel it would be helpful, as if I was going to act on my thoughts and knew my parents would be checking in on me in the morning, then I would use a method where time wasn't an issue. She seemed to ignore that and said she really thought I needed to speak to them, and that if they felt I was at risk and I hadn't spoken to them tomorrow then they could break confidentiality and speak to them without my consent. Just what I wanted to hear - that makes me feel so much more likely to be honest with them about my feelings. To be honest, I don't understand breaking confidentiality. I feel like if they are concerned enough about you that they feel they have to break confidentiality in order for you to stay safe, then you aren't receiving the right treatment - surely if they are that worried then they should be considering admitting you to hospital, and if they're not then I don't see what right they have to break confidentiality. That is something that really pisses me off. If I was living on my own or in supported housing they wouldn't call my parents to let them know how I was, so why should they just because I live at home? It is something I have had problems with multiple times in the past, both with the crisis team and CMHTs. I think L is probably the only care coordinator I have never had that concern with - I know she wouldn't do it, which is one of the reasons I trust her so much I suppose. So yes, that really annoyed me. She said to speak to my parents tonight and get them to come in and check on me before they go to work (which would probably be an hour after I got to sleep and would disturb me well and truly) and that then they would call me first thing in the morning (presumably to disturb me again). Bloody hope it isn't her.
She went on again about how I had got through this before and so know I can do it, and that things do get better. I said that I feel like I could never feel good enough to make it worth feeling this bad. She said we were talking in circles. It is apparently ok for her to talk in circles though, as she repeated that things aren't usually this bad, and that I have got through bad times in the past, and that I have obviously been doing a lot better in the last year or so because it has been a long time since I have been under their care. I didn't bother to tell her that is because L doesn't think it is helpful to see that and so usually just supports me herself when I am in crisis, unlike my previous care coordinator, who made me go to A&E and be assessed by them every time I was feeling suicidal. She also said that I am an intelligent girl and I understand my feelings, and that she thinks that by engaging with them that shows that I want help rather than to die. She is the type of professional I just don't get on with. I am sure she is a perfectly nice person, but I do not like being treated like a child, and I find it patronising when a professional tries to tell me that I am not really suicidal because I am asking for help or something like that, as I know how I feel, and how difficult it is to ask for help, and how much my feelings regarding help vary. I am feeling really quite frustrated and wound up.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago