Tuesday, 15 February 2011


I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn't hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn't have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her - she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly - all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can't have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can't quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother's Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow - that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice - vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren't terribly attractive I don't think, but I kind of don't give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the 'What do you do?' question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No.... I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven't done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven't done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it - are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn't seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn't sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don't hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven't, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot - usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can't cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don't believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June - perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn't previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn't do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can't be taken over. But that doesn't stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn't deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don't even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don't know what I can possibly do.


  1. Bip, please don't worry about taking time from Twitter & Skype. We all need to sometimes. I withdraw quite a bit too. We'll always be there regardless of your fears, so you do whatever you feel is best for you at the moment.
    And for the record I don't think you're an attention seeking, manipulative borderline. I think you're a young woman who is struggling and doing her best to cope on her own when the services she's supposed to rely upon aren't there for her right now.

  2. I'm certain that I wouldn't be taken over even if I did talk to your team (and I can't imagine a situation in which that would happen anyway!). I have too much experience of my friends being misunderstood and mistreated to believe professionals over people I know. I know that reassurance probably doesn't count for much because those sort of thoughts are difficult to argue with, but I thought I would say that anyway.

    I'm glad you got through the rehearsal. Ah, we are cake twins. I can make cakes, normal icing and buttercream (when I'm not busy curdling it!) but I can't really do decorations beyond that. My sister and my mum can and I'd love to be as good as they are, but my hands are not steady enough.

    Thinking of you x

  3. *hugs*

    Your team could not convince me that you are anything other than lovely and struggling.

  4. Hi huni,

    I know it seems hard but try to stay positive and if you feel you can, try to make light of things...even if it is in a wry satyrical way...

    As for the cake dilemma... have a look on my blog at the cake I made, it looks really good and was really really easy to make... the best bit is that you cant even see the buttercream!

    It is a recipe from a lady called lorraine pascal and it is called the "I can't believe you made that" cake.

    Give it a try, I promise you will surprise yourself :) and if it doesnt work, it really doesn't matter. You're mum will love the fact that you went to all the effort


  5. Well done for going to ballet and rehearsal, that's a massive achievement whether you enjoyed it or not. If you need a bit of space from twitter etc then thet's fine but whatever you think, our views on you aren't going to change. I think it's ridiculous you're being denied help. ((hugs))

  6. Aw honey. If you need to take time out from being online for you, then you should, but I promise I'm not going to think any differently about you.
    Like Katie said - it's not you. I have experience myself of being treated like crap by MH 'services' and have seen it happen to many other people I care about online.

    Sorry your mum didn't have a great birthday, yeah that must be so awful for her that her boss died. I think you're lovely to be so caring about her. I hope the cake goes well tomorrow.