Still depressed

I seem to be struggling to write much at the moment, despite my head being full the whole time. I think maybe it is too full and so I am having difficulty distinguishing thoughts from one another. It is a few days into the New Year, and naturally nothing has changed. I still want to kill myself at the first suitable opportunity. My mum is off work this week - she doesn't go back until Monday, so realistically nothing can happen before then at the earliest, which means I have at least another week of fucking hell. I tried buying things online yesterday to see if that made me feel any better, even if just briefly, but it didn't. I ordered a couple of DVDs, and a couple of computer games that I will probably never play. I still haven't watched the Lost Season 6 DVD that I bought last time I felt crap and thought that buying something would help, and every other season of Lost I have watched within a few days of it arriving, and I have had that for about 6 months now. Same with books I haven't read, other DVDs I haven't watched, CDs I haven't listened to, clothes I didn't like but didn't get round to returning. One day I might learn that buying things when I feel crap doesn't actually make me feel any better, it just costs money and leaves me with a pile of stuff I don't need or want. But probably not. It's like self harm - it used to help, and so I still try it sometimes, but it doesn't have the same effect anymore.

My mum made me go shopping today. Hideous. I am such a shit girl. I hate shopping. I almost view it as a form of torture. I deliberately avoid the sales racks, because they are just far too confusing and stressful to even look at, which makes shopping at this time slightly awkward because half the shop is sales racks. I have absolutely no idea how anyone can get excited about sales shopping. All the shops open stupidly early on Boxing Day, and people actually queue for hours to get into the stupid shops, and hunt through loads of rails of clothes, most of which will be a) hideous, b) the wrong size, or c) both. Why would you do that? I would actually rather just pay full price for something than face the sales.

We had to go shopping because my mum managed to buy me quite a few things this year that were no good. She is actually usually really good at present buying, but she just seemed to get it all a bit wrong this year. My favourite present this year was a pair of really warm, fleecy pyjamas from my mum, but she wasn't very impressed that they were my best present. They are so warm though, and I am always cold. I wasn't too bothered about not getting many things I wanted - material things aren't really meaning anything to me at the moment, I suppose primarily because I am not planning to be here much longer, plus I do genuinely prefer giving presents to receiving them, unless it is something I particularly want. My mum took back the things that she had bought for me that weren't any good, but I really couldn't be bothered to look around the shops properly, so I didn't buy anything as a replacement. That's ok. I don't need anything. Actually I do. I have no clothes. But I spend a good 90% of my life in my pyjamas, so I don't need too many clothes really. Although I could do with some to save the panic attack I get every time I get dressed and feel hideous in absolutely everything that I put on. It took me so long to get dressed today, and I was getting more and more worked up, because I just felt so awful in everything that I put on, and nothing was suitable, and I was just getting more and more stressed, and my mum was getting more and more angry because she had wanted to leave and I was still changing clothes. I just get into such a state, and she gets irritated with me and continually tells me how silly I am being, which I probably am, but I just can't help it.

I do find my mum quite invalidating a lot of the time. She is always saying that I allow myself to be like this, or that my life is good and so I should be happy and stop letting myself be depressed or that I am a drama queen or that I am just saying things other people have said, like she did about New Year, and things like that, and if I ever mention that I find what she says hurtful or invalidating she says that I have picked up saying things like that from the internet or books or associating with people with mental health problems, or whatever her current theory is. It really frustrates me when I say I am stressed or upset about something and she replies with 'You're not really'. I know she doesn't mean to, but she really upsets me sometimes. I wish that she would just listen to what I am saying rather than just dismissing everything. And then she gets annoyed with me for not talking to her more often and not telling her how I feel. But is it really any wonder I don't talk to her more when virtually every time I try to I get dismissed as being a drama queen, or exaggerating, or letting myself get worked up?

I am really struggling to write. I feel really distracted by my head and the thoughts/images/films of suicide it is having. I know there was something in particular I wanted to write about, but I can't remember what. I am feeling really shit. Not in an only able to stare at walls type way like I was last time I was having a really difficult time. Just in a I've had enough and I don't want to be alive regardless of what happens kind of way. I'm not sure which is worse. Both feel shit.

I'm Still Here

So, it is the 1st January 2011. 1/1/11. Start of another shitty year. I still wish I was dead and that I hadn't made it to this year, and I still plan to correct it as soon as possible. I have a vague feeling that killing myself is a somewhat inappropriate New Year's Resolution, but that is the thing that I want. I spent last night with my parents at home - half a bottle of champagne and a couple of Diazepam got me through. I am struggling to write. There's lots I meant to say but I just feel like my brain has fogged over, and it isn't due to the alcohol from last night. I intended to try and write about the positives of 2010, but I am feeling too shit to bother. I know there were positives. I just couldn't make them mean anything to me - they all felt irrelevant. I will try and do it at some point. At the moment Sondheim's lyrics from the song I'm Still Here from Follies pretty much sum things up.

'I've run the gamut, A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit, c'est la vie!
I got through all of last year and I'm here!'

New Year blues

Today has been a shit day. I just feel like a tonne of bricks dropped on me a few days ago, and every day another tonne has been added. My aunt was here today, which was ok, but I just find speaking to people, and trying to show any enthusiasm in what they are saying so much effort - I don't even feel able to fake it properly any more. I ate like a fucking pig - yesterday I weighed less than a pound more than I did pre-Christmas, which I thought was quite impressive in the overall scheme of things. Today there was loads of food out because we had people over, and so I just ate fucking non stop. I felt sick and still kept eating. I desperately wanted to purge, but that wasn't an option, and so for some reason I just kept eating instead. I am not sure whether it was supposed to be comfort eating, in which case it failed miserably as it made me feel like complete shit, or whether I was punishing myself, and since I couldn't purge I just kept eating until I felt ill instead. Either way I ended up feeling grotesque. All day I was getting really graphic images popping up in my head of me hurting myself. Mostly bad self harm, which is quite random as I rarely self harm, and when I do it is never deep. But I just kept getting these images of me cutting myself really deep, and slicing big chunks of fat off my thighs. We have a bread knife, which is supposedly 'The World's Sharpest Knife' (says that on it) and every time I see it I imagine sawing through all of the fat on my thighs with it. It will saw through frozen chicken portions, so it obviously is quite sharp. I know I would be very unlikely to do it - that just isn't my style. I don't like anything that involves medical attention. Proper suicide attempts are slightly different as the medical attention is not my intention or plan in those situations, but I would never take an overdose or self harm and then present at A&E - I am not judging people who do that, but it just is not something I would want to do. If I want to hurt myself I want to do it in the most unobtrusive way I can find, again barring suicide attempts, as by their nature they have a tendency to attract attention. But if there was a way I could just disappear then I would. Anyway, so I had lots of films in my head of self harming badly, and also of jumping off a multi storey car park, and of hanging myself. My head isn't a nice place to be at the moment. It is quite distressing really I suppose. Even if you want to die, you don't really want possible scenarios playing out in your head constantly - it all gets a bit much really.

I loathe New Year. More than I can express. I think it is actually my least favourite day of the whole year. It is even worse than my birthday I think. At least most people either don't know, or forget, that it is your birthday, and so you can generally get through most of the day without it being brought to your attention, and if you look at it from a materialistic view point you usually get presents and a cake, and so there are some nicer aspects to it, although I have to say that I think birthdays are pretty shit really, and I refused to acknowledge mine on the correct day this year. But anyway. New Year. What the fuck is the point? It is another year. And people actually seem to think that because the number of the year is different, your life will also be different. That things will change for you this year, or that this will be the year that is good for you, or where you will achieve something, and bollocks like that. No. It will be the same - the date will just be slightly different. And then you are expected to stand around drinking Champagne and singing a stupid song that nobody actually knows the words to, and saying Happy New Year to everyone you see for the next couple of days. And I don't know what we are fucking celebrating. I have never understood that, ever. It makes no sense to me. All it does for me is remind me of everything I have wanted to achieve but haven't in the past year, and make me realise what a failure I am.

My mother has done a good job of reminding me of that this evening actually. She doesn't do it intentionally, but she really seems to have a knack of tapping into my insecurities. Earlier on she told me she really thought I should have applied for drama school this year, and that if I didn't go this year (meaning 2011) she didn't think I would ever go, and that this would have been a really good year to apply. I said that I didn't feel well enough, but according to her I am because I can get up on stage and perform, and that is all you do at drama school. Which is of course complete rubbish. She then pointed out that if I didn't go this year I would be at least 26 when I started, and that I would be getting old, and when I said that actually some people go to drama school a lot older than that she said that they would have achieved something first, whereas I haven't done anything. Which is all fucking true, and makes me even more angry and upset because of that. If she had been talking bollocks then I could have coped with it, but she was saying all of the things that I always think. That I am getting old, that I haven't achieved anything, and basically that I will never accomplish the only thing I have ever wanted to do, because I am leaving it too late because of my mental health problems. Great. Just what I needed to hear the day before my least favourite day of the entire year when I dwell on all of those things anyway. She didn't say any of it in a nasty way. It just felt like salt being rubbed into a very raw wound.

Apparently my sister has invited my parents to spend New Year's Eve at their house. Not me of course because she still hates me. I was hoping they would go, but it seems they aren't going to. I had it all planned out. If they went I was going to tell them I would probably be asleep by the time they got home, take an overdose as soon as they had left, and leave a note somewhere where it would be found but not immediately, so that they wouldn't see it when they got home. Then when they got home they wouldn't have known I had taken an overdose, and so would just think I was sleeping, then I usually sleep until at least 1, so they wouldn't come up to see me before that, and it may even have been an hour or two after, and so my overdose would have had a good 18 hours to work before I was found, possibly even 20. Unfortunately it seems they aren't going to go. Primarily because my dad doesn't want to, although my mum also said that she didn't want to leave me here on my own on New Year's Eve, despite me protesting that I really didn't mind at all. They know that I loathe New Year and don't want to celebrate it. They see me having a complete breakdown every year. And yet they still try to give me champagne and say Happy New Year to me. When I said something to my mum tonight about how much I hate New Year she said she thinks someone must have said they hated New Year to me, and so I say it as well. Because I clearly couldn't actually have a thought of my own - everything I think and feel that she doesn't understand or disagrees with, she calls my 'quirks' and seems to attribute all of them to things that other people have said or done that I have copied. I suppose that fits in quite well with her agreeing with my sister that there isn't actually anything wrong with me and that I do everything for effect.

I am feeling really terrible. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I can't imagine anything at all that would make me want to live, or make this constant pain bearable. I really want to die. I don't want to be told how much I have achieved, or how strong I am, or that 2011 will be better for me, or anything else. I just want my life to end, and I consider myself incredibly weak for not making that happen before this.

'Turning, turning, turning through the years.
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes, nothing ever can
Round and round the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!'
 - 'Turning', Les Miserables

Shit

I am still struggling enormously. I am completely terrified by how close New Year is. I want so much not to be alive by then, but I know that realistically I am not going to get an opportunity to act on it before then, and I don't know how to cope with that. I want to be dead now. Not in a few weeks or months or years. Tomorrow my aunt, who has been over from the US for Christmas, is coming over, which means I can't do anything tomorrow, and couldn't do anything tonight. And then it is New Year's Eve. At the moment I am coping by taking Diazepam when things feel too much, and am generally just a bit of a mess. I think the only way of getting through New Year's Eve will be taking a lot of Diazepam, and anything else that might help, and just sleeping through it, but even that isn't really a solution because I will have to wake up the next day. I want to die so much. I really just can't express how hideous this feels. And it is just so bloody unrelenting. Ok, sometimes I get a few weeks when I feel crap but I am slightly more able to cope, and less suicidal, but things are always shit, and I seriously believe that suicidal is a completely logical decision for me - I feel like it has reached a point where the pain is just too much, and too unrelenting. I want out as soon as possible. I know that it is very unlikely to be before the New Year, but it will be as soon as is practical after that.

People say I have achieved things this year and that I should be proud of myself. But the point is, that none of the things I have done actually mean anything. They have no impact on my life, or how I feel. Sure, I have done things, but they don't mean anything. I still feel hideous and I still want to die. I don't want to wait and see what the future brings, or what opportunities there are in the New Year or anything else, because it doesn't matter. None of it matters. I am just desperate and I don't want to be here, and nothing can change that.

Desperate

I am feeling worse and worse. In the last couple of days I have turned into this tense, anxious mess, constantly on the verge of tears but never actually letting the tears out, feeling desperately alone regardless of whether I am with people or not, continually thinking about how I can kill myself before the New Year because I can't cope with it. I feel sick with anxiety, and just completely overwhelmed. I feel like a complete and utter failure for letting yet another year of my life go by without achieving anything significant. My mental health problems are not getting any easier at all to cope with - if anything I would say that in many ways they are more difficult to live with now than they used to be, and so I can't see myself being able to achieve anything in the next year if I were to stay alive for it either. I have had enough of everything. I have been feeling like this for too long and I just can't cope with another year with no end in sight. My usual coping mechanism when things start to feel impossible is to turn to my weight and food, and to try and control that, but that is absolutely impossible at the moment as there is food everywhere, and I have gained several pounds - I haven't eaten an enormous quantity, but I have eaten a lot more than usual, and I have eaten a lot of foods that are high in calories and fat, so it isn't surprising. But it means that my normal method of attempting to control my mood even slightly isn't available to me.

I know New Year is just a day, I know that things might improve in 2011, but I don't actually give a shit, I just need everything to stop, and before 2011 starts. The thing that scares me most is that it is so few days away and I don't know when I will have the opportunity to do anything about it. I wish it wasn't this time of year, because I do appreciate that it is not good timing, but I just can't cope with the start of another year, I really really can't. I am feeling so desperate to get out. I wish I had killed myself years ago, or that one of the attempts I had made had been successful - there has never been a point when I have been pleased to still be alive and that I survived, and I think that has to prove something. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be, I don't know. I just know it feels completely unbearable at the moment, and I don't want to be here for the start of another year.

Christmas and New Year

Christmas Day was actually ok. It was pretty quiet, as it was just me and my parents for most of the day. It was actually nice to just be relaxed and for it to be quiet, rather than busy and noisy with lots of people - it felt easier to cope with. Food was difficult, but then I think that food will always be difficult for me, and particularly at the moment, when food plays such a central part in trying to control my mood. I didn't eat an obscene amount I don't think - it is just far more than I am used to eating, and when there is constantly food out then it can be difficult to deal with. Plus alcohol calories always bother me. But it was quiet and relaxed, although in retrospect I am not really sure what we did with ourselves. Then at about 6 one of my sister's friends came over for the evening - he is single and had his children with him until 4, and then they had gone to their mums so he came to us, and we played Jenga and cards in the evening/night. I wasn't excited or enthusiastic about it being Christmas, but I got through it, and it was fine and not too stressful.

Today was more difficult. Both of my brothers came over with their families, so there were 8 people in the house, plus me and my parents, so it was much busier and louder, and I just found it a bit much really. I went down for a while and then just found it all too much, so came upstairs for a while to spend some time on my own and then went down again. It wasn't that they were doing anything wrong - I just wasn't feeling very good, and I didn't have the energy to put on my happy face or sit and make small talk. My parents are going to visit my brother tomorrow, but I have decided to stay here for a couple of reasons - firstly I don't see a need to see them again when we saw them today, it seems pointless, but really I just can't face another day with a lot of people - all of his wife's family will be there tomorrow as well, and I just don't want to have to see lots of people, and it is much harder to escape when you aren't in your own home, so I will stay here with the dog.

I am feeling really quite awful. I wasn't feeling great yesterday, but I put on a happy face, and because it was all pretty quiet and laid back I got through it alright. Today was a lot more difficult, but I was trying to hold up but it was like a big wave of desperation and hopelessness came and hit me this evening, after not feeling good all day. I don't really know why - I just know I feel really awful and nearly burst into tears in front of my parents for absolutely no reason, which is so unlike me. I even said that I felt really crappy, which I very rarely do. I just didn't want them to think I was just being grumpy or ungrateful or anything. I suppose that although I haven't been consciously thinking about it, I am very stressed about New Year. I do not want to be alive by then, it feels like more than I can deal with, and I don't see the point, and the speed with which it is approaching is really quite terrifying, particularly now that Christmas is over. Not having anyone I can contact to talk to doesn't help, but then I don't think talking would make any difference - I have felt for months like I didn't want to live to see 2011, and I still feel like that - telling someone that I feel like that won't change anything, so maybe it doesn't matter anyway. I just feel really horrible.

Weather and Christmas

Lots of pretty snow. It started snowing yesterday afternoon and snowed all afternoon and evening, so we ended up with a good 6 inches of snow, which is the first proper snowfall we have had this winter - when everyone else had shit loads a few weeks ago we just had a tiny covering. Very pretty. Not so great from the practical point of view.

Firstly, our poor Christmas tree, which was supposed to be put up this weekend, was standing outside when it started snowing, and so got covered with 6 inches of snow, along with everything else. Therefore it couldn't come inside, or the snow would have then melted and flooded the lounge, which would have been somewhat inconvenient. Then there is the added problem that it needs potting, which involves needing soil, and the ground being a) frozen solid, rock hard, inpenetrable, and b) also being covered with 6 inches of snow. Not entirely sure what the plan is. Can shake most of the snow off the tree, but it doesn't help the problem of having nothing to plant it in of course.

I had a carol concert tonight. I wasn't sure if we would be able to get there or not. The roads had been gritted, but unsurprisingly grit isn't terribly effective on top of lots of snow - I think they are meant to put it down before it starts snowing, or when there is a tiny bit, rather than when it has finished snowing and it is laying thick everywhere. So the roads are a nightmare. In the end we decided to go, but had to drive very slowly the whole way, and there was a bit of skidding at times. The concert was fine. The majority of both the band and choir had managed to make it, which was pretty impressive given how many of us live in the middle of nowhere, with terrible roads, and therefore had a nightmare getting there, although one person did point out that we must all be completely mad to have bothered. My sister is still doing a wonderful job of ignoring me - in a way it is quite impressive that we could both sing Soprano in the same choir, and her not speak to me at all during rehearsals or the concert. I have made some effort several times, but she certainly is not reciprocating, so there is very little I can do about it. I just find it quite astounding how immature she can be.

Audience numbers at the concert were down on other years, which was to be expected, but there were still probably 250 people or so I would guesstimate, so not bad given the conditions. Carols were fine - sore throat and snotty nose weren't really helping, but it was fine - the throat is getting better, and although I obviously could have sung better I think it was fine. And nobody would have known if it wasn't actually - the joys of singing in a choir rather than as a soloist! It was bloody freezing though. A blouse and skirt just are not very warm, and the church wasn't very warm, I suppose because there was about half the number of people there would usually be, so I felt like a snowman by the end of it. Then had the fun of the journey home again.

We were supposed to be going Christmas shopping tomorrow but I think realistically that isn't going to happen - it is a good 45 minute drive to where we were going, which would take much longer with the roads as they are, and it isn't meant to get above -3, and is supposed to be foggy too, so I think it would just be dangerous to try and travel that far. We will go on Tuesday or Wednesday, although Tuesday could be difficult because I am seeing L at 11, and I think after that would be getting a bit late to go off shopping, so it will probably have to be Wedneday. Which is leaving it a little close for comfort, but never mind! The weather is so frustrating - I wish it had stayed dry this week, and then just snowed loads on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - that would have been so pretty, and wouldn't have caused any inconvenience. We could have just made a snowman. As it is I think it is going to melt before then and we will just end up with nasty slush everywhere. Yuck. Wrong timing by 1 week unfortunately.

I am not feeling too stressed about Christmas, but I am about New Year. I am trying not to think about it, because I get really upset and panicky when I do. I just absolutely do not want it to happen at all, under any circumstances. I just don't. I really feel at the moment like I can't cope with it. It is just too overwhelming and stressful. As soon as I hear the words or think about it at all, I get this sudden mad rush of totally overwhelming thoughts. I genuinely have absolutely no idea how I will get through it right now - I might try and knock myself out early in the night and just sleep through it, but then I will still have to wake up and it will be 2011, and that is just so unbelievably shit. I need to freeze time or rewind time or erase myself or something. Very anxious, very stressed, very desperate.

Still here

So I am staying put until further notice, but am in the process of moving. Deciding on a name is surprisingly difficult. Obviously I have become known in the blogosphere as Bippidee, but I feel like I am going to need to change that even if I do move to WP, which is the current plan. Unfortunately, the only other name I have thought of so far has a rather unfortunate shortening, which is what I would end up being called all the time. Hmph. When I do move I will make sure that anyone who wants to follow me to the new blog can do so.

So what with all the posts about my childhood, and then the identity crisis yesterday I seem to have been neglecting day to day stuff somewhat. I am not sure how I have been doing. I am, without a doubt, better than I was a few weeks ago, but naturally I am still not feeling great. I am slightly confused by my sleep lately. I have always needed about 10 hours sleep ideally, to wake up and not feel tired and stay reasonably alert the whole day. I used to end up napping every afternoon, virtually without fail, even if I had slept ok the night before, but definitely if I had got less than 8 hours sleep.  But there have been several days lately when I have only had a few hours, and yet after the inital pain of dragging myself out of bed, have been surprisingly alert all day, and still not been able to sleep that night. Thursday was an example of this. I only got 4 hours sleep, which is nowhere near enough for me, and yet I stayed awake all day, no naps, was pretty awake and alert, and still couldn't get to sleep before 5am. There is surely something wrong with that? I should have been exhausted and been able to get an early night, but I didn't get to sleep any earlier than I would have if I hadn't woken up until the afternoon, and had 9 hours sleep. I was out for a lot of the day too, which should have made me even more tired. And I never nap anymore. I am always tired, but my ability to sleep properly seems to have disappeared.

I am singing in a carol concert on Sunday, just as part of the choir. Well, it is just the choir and silver band. I realised at the rehearsal tonight that I don't have a bloody clue how the descant goes for While Shepherd Watched, which is slightly problematic, and I have no idea how that happened. I have sung in so many carol concerts/services, and I know all of the descants really well, but I actually don't think I have ever sung that one before, but I don't see how that could be possible when I have sung in carol concerts for 12 years. Although the audience can never hear the descants properly anyway, as by the time you have a full choir, organ, silver band, and all the congregation singing, I think the descant gets somewhat lost. Someone had the bloody brilliant idea of making Twelve Days of Christmas a song that everyone sings, ie audience too. I have no idea what they were thinking. The arrangement that we use is very much a choir version - all the voice types sing different days etc, and the tempo changes loads - at one point it gets really fast, and one of the other sopranos pointed out that there is no bloody way they will keep up with that, and it will end up sounding like we are singing it in a round. Bloody ridiculous idea. I always get bored of that song after about 5 days anyway - I am sure the other 7 are unnecessary. Or we could just start with 12 rather than 1? The Hallelujah Chorus goes on rather as well, although I probably shouldn't say that. And I can never sing For Unto Us properly. I cheat. I can do it slowly, but then when it gets up to speed I just can't fit all those notes in. I am not really a classical singer, I am a musical theatre singer - The Messiah is a bit much for me really!

Christmas. Hmmm. I still have shopping to do. I have actually done most of it online, but I need to go to the shops to buy things for my mum - the things I wanted to get for her weren't things I particularly wanted to buy online. And then I need to get something for one of my nephews, but I know what and where to get it, and something small for one of my nieces to go with things I have already got for her, and a few boxes of chocolates for various people, and then I will be finished. I have stopped buying for siblings, since they all have children now, so I just buy for the children, although I haven't bought for my eldest nephew this year for the first time, because he is 19, works full time, and has far more disposable income than I do, but has never bought for me, despite me buying for him every year. It is a bit weird, because I am his aunt, but he is only 5 years younger than me. So I have always bought him presents because he is my nephew, but it is kind of weird because he is so close to me in age, and now that he is working full time and I am on benefits it just seems a bit ridiculous to be spending money on him really. So that just leaves his younger brother, my sister's 2 boys, and my brother's daughter, and step daughter and step son. And my parents of course. If I get time/inclination I might try and make some fudge or something for siblings and their partners, but it was getting too expensive buying for all of them and all of the children - even just with my parents and nephews/nieces I had 8 people to buy for, and it would have been 9 if I had bought for eldest nephew. Oh, and I buy something for my dog.... I wouldn't actually mind buying for my sisters in law - they are both easy to buy for, and I quite like buying presents for people who are easy to buy for, but my sister (who still isn't speaking to me) is a nightmare to buy for, and so are my brothers and brother in law. I haven't started my wrapping yet. Wrapping takes me forever. I am a real perfectionist with my wrapping - I will take ages deciding which paper to use, and which ribbon and label to put with it etc, and then ages making it look pretty. Takes bloody hours, particularly given that I also always have to wrap everything that my dad buys for my mum, a) because he doesn't have time, b) because he can't be bothered, and c) because he doesn't make it look pretty - he just wraps with paper, and my mum really loves prettily wrapped presents with bows and ribbons and things. So I have to do it for him. I tend to get all my presents and find cheesy Christmas films on TV and wrap it all whilst watching them.

We went and bought our Christmas Tree on Tuesday. It isn't really what I wanted - it is a bit small. But the place we went to weren't going to be getting any more in, and it was a nicer shape than the bigger ones. We then tried a couple more places, but one didn't have any, and the other only had 3 left, and 1 was enormous, and 2 were tiny, so we just went back and got the first one. We will put it up this weekend. We will stand it on a box. That will make it look bigger, and keep it out of reach of the animals, which is always a bonus. My old cat will love us putting the tree up. It is his favourite day of the year. He gets ridiculously excited and starts playing with tinsel and baubles etc like a little kitten, despite now being 15. The other cat never plays. The dog will be excited, but the dog is always excited. I don't buy presents for the cats, but I always buy for him, because he will unwrap them himself and it makes me laugh to watch him. I am trying to think about the positive things about Christmas rather than the things I find stressful, although it is hard. New Year will be worse, because it always is. I hate New Year so much. It makes me feel like such a failure, and I find it incredibly difficult to get through without resorting to self harming behaviours. I tend to end up in a complete state crying hysterically and saying that I want to die. Which I do, but I can usually keep it hidden, but for some reason I just completely break down on New Year's Eve. I am already dreading it.

Getting by

Today was worse than yesterday, but it wasn't horrific. I slept until a ridiculous time - I didn't only sleep the morning, I slept half of the afternoon as well. I could hear my brother and his wife here when I woke up, but I didn't go downstairs. Partly because I couldn't really be bothered, and partly because they are all ill, and the last thing I need right now is a cold or sore throat. I went and had a shower and washed my hair, and popped downstairs very briefly to grab a diet coke - wanted to stay down there as it was much warmer than my bedroom, but I didn't want their germs, and came back upstairs. I was finding it harder to concentrate on things today, so it was harder to distract myself from the thoughts, but my head was quieter than it had been last week, so it was primarily about trying to distract myself from thoughts, rather than noise as well, which is easier. I am not really sure what I did. I watched a bit of crap TV. Apart from that I don't really know. After my brother and family had left I went downstairs because it was warmer, and watched X Factor. And since then I don't really know what I have been doing. I think my mind is drifting quite a lot. Dissociating I suppose.

Tomorrow is ridiculously busy. Nothing in the day - the day time is fine. Which is lucky as I will need to sleep a reasonable amount of it. But then I have to leave for ballet about 5. I then have ballet from 5:45 - 6:45. At 7 I have a band call for the concert I am doing on Sunday. As soon as I can get away from that, I have to go to a rehearsal for the show I am doing, which starts at 7:30, but I will get there later than that because of the band call. That then goes on until 10, and I will get home about half 10, maybe a bit later. It is all a bit hectic, and I don't know when I am going to get a chance to warm up, because of being in ballet immediately before having to go and sing. I suppose I will have to warm up (vocally) before ballet and then do a quick 5 minute top up on my way from ballet to the band call. It is rather unfortunately they are all so on top of each other, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I am trying really hard to stop myself from focusing on the negatives and the suicidal thoughts, and to just blank them the best that I can. November is nearly over, and although it sounds odd, that makes it slightly easier to shut out the suicidal thoughts. As I have said before, one of my 'rules' around suicide is that it can't be in the lead up to something big like Christmas/someone's Birthday, because although whenever you kill yourself it will be hard for people, I always think it must be particularly hard if it is at a time when there is an expectation of being happy. So basically I need to stop considering suicide an option until after Christmas. Which is far, far easier said than done, and I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try. It is particularly hard because Christmas and New Year are such difficult times for me, and there is nothing I would like more than not to have to go through them. But I think Christmas must be about the worst time of the year to lose someone. Everyone is happy (or pretending to be) and excited, and there is just a buzz around, and there is just this expectation that everyone will enjoy themselves, and have a good time, and having that as an anniversary of someone dying must be really tough. I am actually more worried about Christmas then New Year I think. Christmas is hard because of all the food and all the people, and the pressure to be happy, but New Year is far worse, because it reminds me of everything that I haven't achieved, and what a failure I am, and how I have let yet another year pass by without accomplishing anything, and that really does make me feel intensely suicidal. I have refused to celebrate New Year for years now - I see nothing to celebrate, and it is always an incredibly difficult night, where I end up crying hysterically, and desperately wanting to die. Even thinking about it makes me feel really suicidal. I still wish that I had killed myself last week so that I didn't have to face Christmas or New Year. Or life generally.

I am unsure about the best way of getting through this. I don't know if I need to try and get myself excited about Christmas (tough to do) and just throw myself into it and just turn into Little Miss Festive (yeah.... even saying that makes me think the chances of that are slim to none) or find some other way of getting by. And I still have to get my Christmas shopping done, and write my cards, and all of the other things that are synonymous with Christmas. I am slightly unsure what will be happening about Christmas, given that my sister isn't speaking to me, and we usually spend time with her. I am slightly concerned that will end up being a big problem that will upset my mum, and that I will end up being blamed for, which will make me feel terrible etc, but I am not sure what I can do about it. I am still not going to apologise, as I still don't think I did anything wrong in not wanting to look after my nephew every Thursday, having done it for half a term. But it is a slightly awkward situation. Thinking about things like this make me think again how much better off my family would be without me. How much simpler things would be for them. And thinking about that seems like more justification that suicide is the right thing to do, despite the time of year. The sad thing is, I don't think my sister would even care at the moment. I wish making the suicidal thoughts go away was as simple as deciding not to have them, or not to consider acting on them an option, like I am trying to, but there is so much more to it than that. The thoughts don't go just because I want them to, or try to make them. They are there, and they are strong. Even if they aren't supposed to be because of the time of year. They don't take any notice of the time of year - it means nothing to them. And in some ways, Christmas and New Year make them more intense. I wish there was an answer of how to get through this - how to cope, but there isn't. I just have to try and get by. And either I make it or I don't.

Hate

I hate myself. I hate myself for being lazy. I hate myself for being greedy. I hate myself for still being alive. I wish I had killed myself. I said about 2 weeks ago that I didn't want to be here for the new year, and the closer it gets the more strongly I wish that. I wish I had acted on those thoughts. I am weak and pathetic and a waste of space and I hate myself. I wish I could turn back time a couple of days and kill myself. There were too many bloody people around all the time, it was a nightmare, I would never have got away with it. But I still wish I had tried. I don't want to be here so much that it hurts.

Mish mash thoughts!

I feel shit. Confused and stressed and frustrated and just shit. New Year is stressing me out a lot. I am trying to think of it as just another day, but I can't. I don't want to be here. I desperately wish that people would let me go. I suppose by that I primarily mean my parents. I wish they could accept me killing myself. And I know that they never will, which just puts me in a horrible situation. I hate living, I don't want to be here, I desperately want to kill myself, but I know that in doing so I would hurt the people that I care about the most, even if I do think it would be better for them in the long term.

I saw Dr O today. I asked her to put me on Tryptophan again. I used to take this alongside an anti depressant, as some dipshit psychiatrist thought it would make an SSRI more effective. Needless to say it didn't, but it definitely did affect my appetite, which I didn't actually realise until recently. Whilst I was on the Tryptophan my appetite decreased, and I lost weight without having to try too hard. Yes, I was restricting, but it was easy as I just didn't get hungry. Then when I stopped taking it, my appetite came back and I gained weight - I am now a stone more than I was in the summer. Stupidly I didn't link the weight changes and the Tryptophan until a week or so back, and I now desperately want to start it again. I don't give a flying fuck if it doesn't work as an anti depressant - I just want to feel in control of my eating again. Unfortunately Dr E, my psychiatrist, seems very anti medication for me, so I know she is not very likely to give it to me again, so I decided to ask Dr O. This was possibly a tad manipulative, as I know damn well that Dr E deals with my medication, but I thought I had more chance of getting it from Dr O so I was going to ask anyway. She said I didn't look like I had gained weight (bullshit), and looked it up in her little pill book and said that loss of appetite wasn't even listed as a side effect, so I made her google it, as I had done this and found that it apparently does help with weight loss, but I couldn't remember what I had googled, and she didn't find anything that said that, so I think she thinks I am imagining it anyway. I thought she was going to give it to me, but then she said that I am seeing Dr E in 3 weeks, and could I not wait until then and talk to her about it, and if she said no, then next time I saw her we could talk about it again. I did whine slightly and try to persuade her to prescribe it now, but she wouldn't. The bloody frustrating thing is that I know I have some somewhere from when I took it before, but I can't bloody find it. I could of course order them from a health shop or online or something, as Tryptophan is just an amino acid, not a 'real' drug, but since I know that the prescription version makes me lose weight, AND I get my prescriptions free, I want it on prescription ideally. But if Dr E says no I will just order it online.

I miss L. It is still 6 days until I see her, and she is the only person I trust to talk to at the moment. I fucking hate attachment. Why do I only get attached to people who I can never have a real relationship with, like therapists, or Doctors, or when I was younger teachers? Why can't I form an attachment to someone who can genuinely care about me in return? I want L to care about me. I want her to take me home with her and look after me and adopt me. Which of course is never going to happen, and is also a complete contradiction to my saying earlier that I wished people would stop caring about me and let me go. I really do confuse myself. I also really wish that I could see L more than once a week, and I genuinely don't think that is just because I am attached to her. It just goes so quickly, and I have more to talk about than can fit in that time, especially because of the way our sessions tend to go (bit of general chat, recommending books to each other, moaning about the NHS etc). We do virtually always run over, which makes up for that stuff, but even so, there just isn't time. I usually write stuff during the week, about how I am feeling and what I am thinking etc, which she then reads, as she finds it useful to actually see how I am feeling at times when I am not there, because my memory is atrocious, and so although I may be able to say 'Oh, tuesday was crap, I felt awful', I won't remember what I was feeling and thinking that made it awful etc, so I suppose it gives her more insight. And I try to be as honest as possible when I am writing, and so it does mean that I end up writing about things that I possibly wouldn't talk about. So anyway, she reads what I have written and we talk about some of it, and then that kind of takes up most of the session. I feel like I need another session a week to talk more in depth about some of the things that come up. She has said that she is going to start reading what I have written in the previous week, and make her own notes on it etc, which I can then read the next session to make sure that we aren't missing out on anything I have written that may be significant, and so I can see her observations on it etc, which might be interesting. But I just feel like I need more time. I want to ask if there is any chance I could see her twice a week, but I know the answer is likely to be no, so there doesn't seem much point, plus I would be a bit embarassed asking.

I had a Diazepam when I started writing this, so am feeling marginally calmer now. I may attempt sleep. This was rather long again. Ah well.

Regrets

I think one of the things that I dislike about the New Year is that it reminds me of everything over the past year that I regret. Plus of course it is going to be a new decade, so I have a whole decade of regrets to really focus on. And given that I am currently 23, that means I have everything in my life since the age of 13 to regret, which is an awful lot of things. Some things happened, or didn't happen, before that age that I regret, but the majority has obviously been in the last 10 years.

Firstly I would like to delete the last 5 or 6 years of my life. They have been shit. And getting progressively worse if I am honest. The last 4 years in particular have been completely and utterly wasted. I have literally achieved nothing. If I am going to kill myself imminently then that is fine, if not then it bothers me a lot, and makes me *want* to kill myself imminently, so it is a bit of a catch 22 really. I have spent an awful lot of time lying in bed doing nothing, time talking to mental health professionals, time loathing myself, purging etc etc. Nothing that I imagined myself doing by the time I was this age has happened.

One thing that really upsets me is not caring about the things that I used to be passionate about. Every now and then I get a little flash of inspiration, and I remember why I care about the things I do, or did. Performing has been what I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I still go to dance classes etc, but the vast majority of the time I don't actually want to go, or care about what I am doing when I am there - I just do it, almost mechanically. It is part of my life, a habit almost, and so I do it. Like appointments. I don't miss appointments. They are a committment and therefore I go. And most of the time the same applies to dance classes. I just go whether I like it or not. Sometimes I don't, when things are really at rock bottom and I can't move from my bed, but mostly I do. But often I forget why. I lose sight of the reason behind it. I don't care about what I am doing there, my head just tells me that I will be dead soon, so what is the point of trying to improve my pirouettes, or get my pointe work stronger. Who gives a shit about pointe work?! I can think of numerous times when I have stood at the barre warming up, mechanically doing my plies and tendus, whilst planning to kill myself, or having seen the crisis team earlier that day, or having self harmed hours before.

I don't really know what I am talking about here. I am waffling. There is a point to this though. I was talking about regrets, and how it ties into my thoughts regarding the future. And the big thing that I was sure I would have achieved by now is going to drama school, studying musical theatre, maybe even working. Performing is all I have ever wanted to do, and yet at times it feels impossible. And not just at the times when I am not intending to be here anymore. But wanting something so much can hurt. I think of all the people out there more talented than me, who can dance better, sing better, act better, look better, and I wonder why I bother trying. Why I ever thought that I could do it. And that feeds straight back into the suicidal thoughts. I am never going to be able to do the only thing I have ever wanted to do, so why do I bother?

A big regret of mine is not taking dance more seriously when I was younger. I went to a very bad teacher, and danced for about 45 mins a week until I was about 15, and that was it. I had always wanted to perform, but we live in the middle of the sticks, and she taught locally, so that was that. When I was 15 or 16 I started having private ballet lessons in an attempt to catch up a bit, which I had for a year or 2 before going to a decent dance school. But missing out on so many years of training is something that I often really regret. If I had decent training when I was young I could have had real potential. Physically I am fairly well cut out for dancing. I have excellent feet (if I do say so myself!), hyperextended joints (not a good thing in the real world, but very much liked in ballet!), suitable proportions (that means a long neck mostly!), and when I am in control of my eating, the right type of figure. Had I had reasonable training when I was young, I would have stood a decent chance of getting into a full time ballet school at 11, as the things I have listed above are considered to be more important than technique, as they can't be changed - technique can be worked on. And then I think about how different my life could have been. Would I have still ended up trying to kill myself? Being admitted to psychiatric hospitals? Lying around in bed doing nothing? I admit that I would almost certainly have still had an eating disorder, but what about the rest? Sometimes I wish I could go back to a really young age, say 7 or 8, and do everything over again. And other times I don't care, and I just want to kill myself now.

Sometimes I think about stopping dancing. Stopping performing. Giving it all up. Then I see something that truly inspires me, and I remember why I want to do it all, and why I am willing to put myself through so many rejections, and spend hours a week looking at myself prancing around in front of a mirror. Tonight I watched a DVD I got for Christmas called 'Every Little Step'. It is a documentary about the casting process for the recent Broadway revival of the musical A Chorus Line. It made me remember why I wanted to perform. Need is probably a more appropriate word than want. It is something inside me, that has been there for as long as I can remember, and has refused to disappear completely regardless of what I have thrown at it. Sometimes I am desperate to succeed, but also desperately afraid of failing. What do I do if I can't perform? And I am so aware that the weeks and months and years are ticking by, and I am coming no closer to it. I am 23. I haven't applied for college this year. That means that even if I applied and was accepted next year, I would be 25 when I started. That means I would be 28 when I graduated. And whilst for most careers that is fine, that is not young in dance terms. And so then I think oh fuck it, I may as well kill myself.

I am by no means saying that I am suicidal because I am not a successful performer. There is obviously far, far more to it than that - performing is merely a small issue that becomes part of a bigger whole. Performing is just what I decided to write about today. But when I am feeling on edge, these small things can tip me over the edge. If I am feeling suicidal, regretting having not achieved more in my life can be enough to make me completely lose the plot. And unfortunately, in my life achievements are caught up with performing. One of the toughest businesses there is to succeed in. And performing is closely linked to my perfectionist tendancies. And those perfectionist tendancies amplify everything I have done wrong, or not achieved. And lead back to the suicidal thoughts. Which lead to the staying in bed and achieving nothing. And round we go. Like a fucking hamster in a wheel.

If anyone has actually managed to read this all the way through then they deserve a medal!

Random thoughts

So there is good news and bad news...

The bad news is that I feel like a beached whale. My hip bones are buried somewhere under multiple layers of fat. This is clearly very distressing and upsets me muchly. I weigh a stone more than I did in the summer.

The good news is that I haven't actually gained any weight over Christmas. How this miracle has occurred I have no idea, as I have spent the last 3 days feeling sick non stop, and have eaten far more chocolates and crap than anyone should.

My grandad spent most of yesterday commenting on my 'lovely legs'. And eating mince pies. It was clearly not a good idea for me to wear a fairly short dress. Ah well, lesson learnt!

Getting increasingly tense about the whole New Year thing. I really really DON'T want it. I am desperately trying to think of ways to stop it from happening, which rather unfortunately is bound to be a fruitless pursuit given that is impossible and all. I don't like that I can't stop it. I don't like that I can't be in control of it.

It is still 8 days until I see L again. Stupid Christmas and New Year and stupid annual leave. This feels like a really long time to wait, especially given all the suicidal thoughts that I am having. I do have an appointment with Dr O on wednesday, but that seems pretty pointless really, as there is nothing she can do other than give me my meds. I want to see L. I want someone to talk to. Someone that I trust. And the only person I trust at the moment is L really.

Boxing Day

I believe that Bedlem would be less chaotic than my house is today. 12 people here, including a baby, a 4 year old and a 5 year old. Hyperactive doesn't begin to describe it. Them, not me. I am decidedly non-hyperactive. Currently I am hiding in my room to escape the madness for a bit, but even up here I can hear people talking and the baby crying. Even so, there is a distinct advantage of being in my own home, rather than at someone else's as we were yesterday. Easier to get away. I feel safer in my own house. Even if it is infested with people. Christmas is not a 1 day event for my family. It lasts the entire period between Christmas and New Year. We were at my sister's house yesterday. Today her and her family, plus one of my brothers and his family are here. Tomorrow my aunt and grandad are coming, my grandad is then staying until wednesday, when my other brother and his family are coming over. Then it is New Year's Eve and Day, which I intend to do as little for as possible. I hate New Year even more than Christmas. Christmas is difficult because of all the people and food, and pressure to be happy, but New Year is stressful in itself, even without all those added extras, as it makes me think about everything I have fucked up or failed to achieve in the last year, and I feel like I am infecting the next year by going into it feeling the way I do. This is magnified this year, by it not just being a new year, but a new decade. Frankly the whole thing has built up in my mind to make me feel really quite suicidal. I want to kill myself before the new year starts. I have felt very suicidal for several weeks, but I didn't want to ruin Christmas for people, especially the children, but now I almost feel like I have done my bit - I have joined in with Christmas, acted (relatively) happy, and now I should be allowed to do what I want, which is to kill myself. I don't know whether I will act on these thoughts or not - it depends on a lot of factors, but they are very much present in my head, and not helped by the fact that I don't have the usual safety net of L to turn to, as she is obviously on annual leave, and won't be back at work until the new year. It is still a week and a half before I next have an appointment with her, which feels a very long way away.