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Friday, 31 December 2010

New Year blues

Today has been a shit day. I just feel like a tonne of bricks dropped on me a few days ago, and every day another tonne has been added. My aunt was here today, which was ok, but I just find speaking to people, and trying to show any enthusiasm in what they are saying so much effort - I don't even feel able to fake it properly any more. I ate like a fucking pig - yesterday I weighed less than a pound more than I did pre-Christmas, which I thought was quite impressive in the overall scheme of things. Today there was loads of food out because we had people over, and so I just ate fucking non stop. I felt sick and still kept eating. I desperately wanted to purge, but that wasn't an option, and so for some reason I just kept eating instead. I am not sure whether it was supposed to be comfort eating, in which case it failed miserably as it made me feel like complete shit, or whether I was punishing myself, and since I couldn't purge I just kept eating until I felt ill instead. Either way I ended up feeling grotesque. All day I was getting really graphic images popping up in my head of me hurting myself. Mostly bad self harm, which is quite random as I rarely self harm, and when I do it is never deep. But I just kept getting these images of me cutting myself really deep, and slicing big chunks of fat off my thighs. We have a bread knife, which is supposedly 'The World's Sharpest Knife' (says that on it) and every time I see it I imagine sawing through all of the fat on my thighs with it. It will saw through frozen chicken portions, so it obviously is quite sharp. I know I would be very unlikely to do it - that just isn't my style. I don't like anything that involves medical attention. Proper suicide attempts are slightly different as the medical attention is not my intention or plan in those situations, but I would never take an overdose or self harm and then present at A&E - I am not judging people who do that, but it just is not something I would want to do. If I want to hurt myself I want to do it in the most unobtrusive way I can find, again barring suicide attempts, as by their nature they have a tendency to attract attention. But if there was a way I could just disappear then I would. Anyway, so I had lots of films in my head of self harming badly, and also of jumping off a multi storey car park, and of hanging myself. My head isn't a nice place to be at the moment. It is quite distressing really I suppose. Even if you want to die, you don't really want possible scenarios playing out in your head constantly - it all gets a bit much really.

I loathe New Year. More than I can express. I think it is actually my least favourite day of the whole year. It is even worse than my birthday I think. At least most people either don't know, or forget, that it is your birthday, and so you can generally get through most of the day without it being brought to your attention, and if you look at it from a materialistic view point you usually get presents and a cake, and so there are some nicer aspects to it, although I have to say that I think birthdays are pretty shit really, and I refused to acknowledge mine on the correct day this year. But anyway. New Year. What the fuck is the point? It is another year. And people actually seem to think that because the number of the year is different, your life will also be different. That things will change for you this year, or that this will be the year that is good for you, or where you will achieve something, and bollocks like that. No. It will be the same - the date will just be slightly different. And then you are expected to stand around drinking Champagne and singing a stupid song that nobody actually knows the words to, and saying Happy New Year to everyone you see for the next couple of days. And I don't know what we are fucking celebrating. I have never understood that, ever. It makes no sense to me. All it does for me is remind me of everything I have wanted to achieve but haven't in the past year, and make me realise what a failure I am.

My mother has done a good job of reminding me of that this evening actually. She doesn't do it intentionally, but she really seems to have a knack of tapping into my insecurities. Earlier on she told me she really thought I should have applied for drama school this year, and that if I didn't go this year (meaning 2011) she didn't think I would ever go, and that this would have been a really good year to apply. I said that I didn't feel well enough, but according to her I am because I can get up on stage and perform, and that is all you do at drama school. Which is of course complete rubbish. She then pointed out that if I didn't go this year I would be at least 26 when I started, and that I would be getting old, and when I said that actually some people go to drama school a lot older than that she said that they would have achieved something first, whereas I haven't done anything. Which is all fucking true, and makes me even more angry and upset because of that. If she had been talking bollocks then I could have coped with it, but she was saying all of the things that I always think. That I am getting old, that I haven't achieved anything, and basically that I will never accomplish the only thing I have ever wanted to do, because I am leaving it too late because of my mental health problems. Great. Just what I needed to hear the day before my least favourite day of the entire year when I dwell on all of those things anyway. She didn't say any of it in a nasty way. It just felt like salt being rubbed into a very raw wound.

Apparently my sister has invited my parents to spend New Year's Eve at their house. Not me of course because she still hates me. I was hoping they would go, but it seems they aren't going to. I had it all planned out. If they went I was going to tell them I would probably be asleep by the time they got home, take an overdose as soon as they had left, and leave a note somewhere where it would be found but not immediately, so that they wouldn't see it when they got home. Then when they got home they wouldn't have known I had taken an overdose, and so would just think I was sleeping, then I usually sleep until at least 1, so they wouldn't come up to see me before that, and it may even have been an hour or two after, and so my overdose would have had a good 18 hours to work before I was found, possibly even 20. Unfortunately it seems they aren't going to go. Primarily because my dad doesn't want to, although my mum also said that she didn't want to leave me here on my own on New Year's Eve, despite me protesting that I really didn't mind at all. They know that I loathe New Year and don't want to celebrate it. They see me having a complete breakdown every year. And yet they still try to give me champagne and say Happy New Year to me. When I said something to my mum tonight about how much I hate New Year she said she thinks someone must have said they hated New Year to me, and so I say it as well. Because I clearly couldn't actually have a thought of my own - everything I think and feel that she doesn't understand or disagrees with, she calls my 'quirks' and seems to attribute all of them to things that other people have said or done that I have copied. I suppose that fits in quite well with her agreeing with my sister that there isn't actually anything wrong with me and that I do everything for effect.

I am feeling really terrible. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I can't imagine anything at all that would make me want to live, or make this constant pain bearable. I really want to die. I don't want to be told how much I have achieved, or how strong I am, or that 2011 will be better for me, or anything else. I just want my life to end, and I consider myself incredibly weak for not making that happen before this.

'Turning, turning, turning through the years.
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes, nothing ever can
Round and round the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!'
 - 'Turning', Les Miserables

9 comments:

  1. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. There is basically nothing that people can say to us when we feel this low (well, I know when I'm low, it doesn't work..I can't speak for how low you are feeling) HOWEVER the support ALWAYS helps because it shows that people DO care and that YOU DO MATTER. I am so happy to see how much you shared in this post! That had to help to get that much out. To hold that much in had to be hurting so much! I couldn't even imagine. I felt like I was "in" your life as I was reading your blog just now. You express your feelings so well. As I said, there is nothing I can say right now to make you feel better, or to make you change your THOUGHTS or FEELINGS, but you can control your ACTIONS. I hope you PLEASE, PLEASE keep that in mind as I know there are many of us who care about you and enjoy talking to you when we get the chance. Keep blogging. Get those thoughts out. Keep venting. We're all here for you to support you through this. Like I said on your last post, we will get through this together. xoxo

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  2. I'm sorry you feel so crap about new year. We don't actually celebrate it really. We never have a party, just do our normal thing and go to bed and get up on new years day. I do have things that I like to do on the new year and that's to just acknowledge it. Unfortunately there is a massive family gathering and they are very long and boring and there is nowhere to escape. Wish I could get away with not going but unfortunately no. I hope you are okay anyway. I understand that you hate new year, maybe do what we do and ignore it. Just do your normal thing and go to bed early. Sleeping may help! Thinking of you!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  3. That was really insensitive of your mum to say that. It's not your fault you haven't been well enough to go to drama school. There is no point going and having to drop out because you weren't ready. But you will be and 26 is not too late.

    I'm not a fan of New Year's either when it serves as a reminder that the past year was a fail.

    It is not weak to not have ended it. The complete opposite actually. It takes so much strength to keep surviving.

    *hugs*

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  4. I agree with cassie, there is NOTHING weak about not ending it before! It shows how strong you are because i know that was one of your lowest points ever just recently. I know there is nothing i can say to make you feel better or make you wanna live and make you believe that things might get better in the "next 12 months", but just know that you ARE strong, there are many many many people that love and care about you, myself included. Alot of people would feel your loss if you did take your life. Please try to remember that. Sleep it all off if you need to but please try to hang in there and stay with us.

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  5. The holidays are rough for me too. The whole forcing me to be in overwhelming situations is nerve racking. There is so much pressure and guilt associated. So, I completely get that.

    Sorry your mom is adding to your stress concerning Drama School. You are so strong that you know yourself well enough to say "No, I'm not ready". My mom doesn't acknowledge my disorder and can be insensitive as well. It hurts and sends me into a rage.

    Anyway, I see you as a very strong person. You seem to know your boundaries and insist on staying within them to give yourself the best chance to survive. Please continue on that path. Continue to live this life, this phase will pass - it typically does eventually.

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  6. New Year's Eve is one of the biggest cons going. I seriously believe it outweighs Christmas in the fakery department, at least Christmas has some form of deeper meaning to some folk. But NYE? It's complete nonsense, which it's hard to see when everyone around you is playing up for the camera. Looking Good and looking like they are feeling Good. There is this intense pressure to look perfect and have the perfect time, and the perfect party.

    In a day or so it'll all be over, and normality can resume. Enforced disruptions are so horrible when you aren't in the mood for them. Take Care Bip, know that right now there are lots and lots of people all hating NYE and you are really not alone in it. Not sure if that makes you feel any better, but I hope it does, just a little. Personally I count down to Midnight to have a celebration that the fiasco is over.

    Sending you some hugs,

    Jo x

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  7. Oh honey, I am so sorry. You're NOT old and that was very insensitive of your mum to say that. Ugh New Year is crap, I hate it too. Try to think of it as just another day. Listen to all your readers. You DO matter, things WILL get better, and I know how hard it is but I'd hate to think of you doing anything stupid.

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  8. ...people actually seem to think that because the number of the year is different, your life will also be different. That things will change for you this year, or that this will be the year that is good for you, or where you will achieve something, and bollocks like that. No. It will be the same - the date will just be slightly different.

    Hear, hear!

    I don't expect you to be "OK", but I hope that you somehow got through it. It's probably selfish of me to hope you've remained alive when you're in such pain, but I really do hope that said pain can be alleviated - or at least reduced - in another way, one that involves you still being alive. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's just that I care about you.

    *massive hugs*

    xxx

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  9. "All it does for me is remind me of everything I have wanted to achieve but haven't in the past year, and make me realise what a failure I am."

    How did you get in my head? :P

    Regarding drama school, I think a high level of self-awareness is a vital thing for any performer to have. I have come across the attitude that time spent in getting better is time spent standing still, but that's just not true. Sometimes you can spend so long scrabbling around after external achievements that you neglect what's on the inside. I'm not underestimating the importance of good drama training by any means, but I know you will get more out of it if you apply when you're ready for the course. The skills you learn and the qualities you develop as part of recovery from a mental illness are every bit as important and useful as the things you can learn in class. I know that my own recovery process has taught me to be a lot more patient, for example. This is essential in my job, just as essential as my degree. So never regret taking the decision that you knew was sound.

    I know how awful it can make you feel when people cast doubts on you like that, though. Recently I met an old classmate, now working in a high-powered job in Westminster, almost the first thing she said was, "Well, I expected you to be very successful and accomplished by now, but clearly it hasn't worked out that way." I was so hurt and her words set off an avalanche of ED failure-thoughts. Then I concluded that it is enough 'success' for me to be alive, given all that I've coped with in the past few years. It sounds like you have a similar reason to be proud. Either we can make room in our heads for other people's expectations, or we can make room for our own hopes. There isn't room for both. x

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