Today has been a complete bloody fuck up of a day. My mum had a hospital appointment at 11 that I had said I would go to with her, as sometimes she misses what is said and forgets things, so it is easier if I go with her so that we know what is going on! Unfortunately it meant leaving the house at 10, and so I had only had about 4 hours sleep. My plan was to then go into town and do some Christmas shopping - I have done as much of it as I can online, but there are some things I need to actually go to the shops for, and so I thought it made sense to go when I was already there, but it didn't happen. I woke up exhausted and feeling like I couldn't be bothered. I then thought that maybe I would, but it was tipping it down with rain, which was offputting. But in the end we didn't finish at the hospital until 2pm, and I decided that was too late to get the bus into town and start shopping, so I came home and need to find some other time to go.
Tonight I had a disaster. Last night I had tried to print my shopping list for today (our printer is meant to print remotely) and told it to print but it didn't work so in the end I cancelled it. All fine. Then this evening, it decides to fucking print, but not what I told it to print last night, which would have been bad enough in that parents would have seen what I was getting them for Christmas. No. It printed my Blog Dashboard. My dad came in with some paper and said this has printed - I assume it is yours. He clearly knew what it was. My parents know that I have a blog, and they know that it is anonymous. He had a blog on Blogger himself for a while, so he would have immediately seen my blog name at the top. Therefore he now knows my blog name, and can easily look it up. He may already have. As soon as he gave me the paper I put the blog into lockdown, but since he is now in bed I will unlock it for a while. I don't know what to do. Blogging has genuinely been a lifeline for me this last year, and whilst I know I could just start a new blog elsewhere, this is like my home. This is where everything is, and my identity is tied up in it. I don't want to have to stop being Bippidee. And if I move I don't know how I will be able to tell everyone who currently reads where I have moved to, without also telling my dad if he chooses to google it. I am just so upset and angry about the whole thing. How can my printer be so fucking useless that it tells me it is printing 'Christmas List 2010', then prints nothing, then 20 hours after cancelling 'Christmas List 2010' it prints my Blog Dashboard?! I just feel really upset and stressed. My blog has helped me a lot, and it has kept me going at times, through the people I have met via it etc, and I just feel so upset that I no longer feel safe to keep posting here. I haven't made a decision about what to do yet. I may relocate, but I don't know how I will let people know where, as I obviously can't say it here. I might have to keep blogging here but password protected or invivte only, which is something I have always wanted to avoid because to a large extent that defeats the purpose for me. There is no good solution in this situation, and I just feel really upset. It has really put me into a complete spin. I feel like I have just lost the only form of support I have other than L, and I don't know what to do.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Sweetie... This is simple. (I think) ;) Tell your dad that you didn't mean for him to see your blog info or its name... (he probably won't remember how to spell it, anyway, cause he's a man) :)
ReplyDeleteBut, just be honest. Tell him that it is your place to write whatever is on your mind and that you aren't comfortable with anyone that you know in "real life" reading it or knowing what is said on it, other than your therapist. nothing personal and probably a moot point.
In other words, as you respect his privacy, you are hoping that he will respect yours. This blog is important to you, and is helping you a lot and you hope that he understands. end of story. You can even tell him in an email, if you don't want to discuss it any further.
I wouldn't worry. I doubt that he's even remotely interested. Men, usually aren't. You're safe. But, just let him know in a way that won't make him feel like you're singling him out and it will be totally fine.
xoxo...
(ps: i have great news which I'll be posting soon!) :)))
wow, thats so unfortunate. I rely on my blog to vent whatever I need to vent knowing I don't have to cencor because no one knows who I am. I'm sure all the blogs I follow are the same. So i don't know what to tell you.
ReplyDeleteDoes he know you have a twitter account? you can direct your blog entries through twitter so we can still find them. Sadly, you will probobly have to change the name of the blog. :-( But only give the new name out on twitter where he doesn't go.
Sorry hun,...
wished I could help
Oh my goodness! I can only imagine what you're going through right now. That's scary. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteBut if you decide to make your blog private/by invite, you should ask your commenters to email you with their email addresses so you can invite them that way. I know it's less than desirable, but it's something.
I'm so sorry.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Oh I am pretty sure he will look it up Lexie. He kept trying to get me to tell him what it was called when he first found out I had a blog. And so I am certain he would look. And even if he didn't look now, if for example there was a period when they knew I wasn't doing well, I am sure they would look then. I think it would be like leaving an unlocked diary on the kitchen table and just trusting that nobody would look at it, even if they thought I might be suicidal for example. It would just be a plain stupid thing to do, and I think so would keeping my blog under the current name and location. I just don't trust my parents enough not to look at some point. He may have even looked when he first found it - I don't know. But I think at some point they would look, and I would not feel safe posting here in the future in that knowledge. Even if he agreed not to look now, if he was concerned for some reason then I couldn't trust him not to.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment I am thinking I am going to have to make the move to WordPress, which isn't what I want to do, but I don't see many alternatives. I am just so bloody furious. I want to go and smash the fucking printer into little pieces.
Oh God. How awful. I don't have any words of comfort, but I can empathise. I'd lose it completely without blogging :(
ReplyDeleteIf you moved to WP, 'bippidee' would take a while to register on Google I think - the first results would probably be back to here even if it were gone. Of course Google catches up sooner or Peter, but might his interest blow over after a bit?
Sorry, this is no help at all. I'm just so sorry - this must be devastating for you :( Sending lots of hugs xxxxx
What is the reason you blog anonymously? Would staying here and being yourself cause problems in your real life?
ReplyDeleteThere are quite a few reasons why I blog anonymously - I did do a post on it once. Here it is http://bippidee.blogspot.com/2010/01/why-anonymous-blogging.html
ReplyDeleteThe main problem in the current situation is that I still live with my parents, and frankly I don't want them to know if I am feeling suicidal, or formulating plans around suicide etc. It would make me feel very trapped and I just couldn't deal with it.
Pandora - in this case I am actually less concerned about him looking immediately, although that is a risk - it is more if say at some point in the future they notice I am not doing well and get concerned about me, and decide to look at my blog that they conveniently have the name of and see what I am thinking/planning. That is exactly what I don't want. And so even if it did take WP a while for the hits to appear, they would happen at some point, and I see this as more of a long term issue. As a matter of fact bippidee is not available on WordPress anyway, so I would need a different name if I were to move. But I am concerned about all the references to Bippidee in old posts/comments coming up thanks to Google. It is too private for me to want my parents to have access to. But I don't want to lose it all.
Perhaps if you moved to WP maybe your blog could have a new name, to ensure they can't find you but you could still go by Bippidee? Like I'm If Narky, Feed Profusely, but I write under my name Karita. Seraching for Karita doesn't bring up my blog, Narky or Profusely does. Is that an option?
ReplyDeleteoh Bippidee, you must be so stressed! Blogging is a great release, especially when you live with other people that you can't be completely open with for whatever reason. So sorry to hear about this.
ReplyDelete