Today has been a complete bloody fuck up of a day. My mum had a hospital appointment at 11 that I had said I would go to with her, as sometimes she misses what is said and forgets things, so it is easier if I go with her so that we know what is going on! Unfortunately it meant leaving the house at 10, and so I had only had about 4 hours sleep. My plan was to then go into town and do some Christmas shopping - I have done as much of it as I can online, but there are some things I need to actually go to the shops for, and so I thought it made sense to go when I was already there, but it didn't happen. I woke up exhausted and feeling like I couldn't be bothered. I then thought that maybe I would, but it was tipping it down with rain, which was offputting. But in the end we didn't finish at the hospital until 2pm, and I decided that was too late to get the bus into town and start shopping, so I came home and need to find some other time to go.
Tonight I had a disaster. Last night I had tried to print my shopping list for today (our printer is meant to print remotely) and told it to print but it didn't work so in the end I cancelled it. All fine. Then this evening, it decides to fucking print, but not what I told it to print last night, which would have been bad enough in that parents would have seen what I was getting them for Christmas. No. It printed my Blog Dashboard. My dad came in with some paper and said this has printed - I assume it is yours. He clearly knew what it was. My parents know that I have a blog, and they know that it is anonymous. He had a blog on Blogger himself for a while, so he would have immediately seen my blog name at the top. Therefore he now knows my blog name, and can easily look it up. He may already have. As soon as he gave me the paper I put the blog into lockdown, but since he is now in bed I will unlock it for a while. I don't know what to do. Blogging has genuinely been a lifeline for me this last year, and whilst I know I could just start a new blog elsewhere, this is like my home. This is where everything is, and my identity is tied up in it. I don't want to have to stop being Bippidee. And if I move I don't know how I will be able to tell everyone who currently reads where I have moved to, without also telling my dad if he chooses to google it. I am just so upset and angry about the whole thing. How can my printer be so fucking useless that it tells me it is printing 'Christmas List 2010', then prints nothing, then 20 hours after cancelling 'Christmas List 2010' it prints my Blog Dashboard?! I just feel really upset and stressed. My blog has helped me a lot, and it has kept me going at times, through the people I have met via it etc, and I just feel so upset that I no longer feel safe to keep posting here. I haven't made a decision about what to do yet. I may relocate, but I don't know how I will let people know where, as I obviously can't say it here. I might have to keep blogging here but password protected or invivte only, which is something I have always wanted to avoid because to a large extent that defeats the purpose for me. There is no good solution in this situation, and I just feel really upset. It has really put me into a complete spin. I feel like I have just lost the only form of support I have other than L, and I don't know what to do.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago