I decided not to take the antibiotics. I think that I probably do have a chest infection, but it might just be a bad throat combined with a cold, and 24 hours on antibiotics wasn't realistically going to do much, and after that I don't care if I am ill - my body can just fight it off. So I didn't really see the point of taking them - if I had got them a couple of days ago it would have, but with 24 hours to go I thought it was quite pointless. I have kept taking the Sudafed, and then honey and lemon Strepsils for my throat, and I did a steam inhalation with Olbas Oil, and will do again in the morning, plus keep taking the Sufafed etc. That is about all I can do really. And hope for the best. I have a full run through with the lead, all the other singers, and the band in the afternoon, and then obviously the concert in the evening. And then after show drinks apparently. I just really hope that I give a decent performance. I am a perfectionist, and I hate knowing already that I won't be as good as I could be, because of this infection/virus/whatever it is, and that really frustrates me a lot. But I am also quite anxious in case it is a complete disaster and my voice cracks all over the place or something. I want to be good - I am going to be surrounded by such fantastic performers, and I want to do well and be good too. I will be absolutely devastated if I mess up, even if it is down to illness.
A couple of friends are coming to see it. It's funny, I noticed with Carousel as well, the people who you would expect to come, ie people you are closer to, or who live locally, or who are into theatre, don't, and then other people that you wouldn't expect to come do. For example tomorrow, a friend who I haven't seen for about 6 years is coming, even though she lives a long way away, and a friend I met online years ago but have never actually met in real life is coming. But none of my friends that I actually see are. T said from when I was first cast that he would definitely be coming, and was bringing his family etc, but now isn't coming. Other friends who either live more locally, or are closer friends, or are fans of the star aren't coming. But then two people I wouldn't have expected to come are, and it was exactly the same with Carousel - people who could easily have come didn't, and then again there were 2 people (although a different 2 people) who I wouldn't have expected to come who did. Plus my parents are coming of course, but again, none of the rest of my family.
I have an appointment through to see the psychologist. It is for an assessment, at the end of January. I may then be offered CAT (CBT and CAT are basically the only therapies in my area), but L is actually more interested in the assessment. She said if the psychologist and I both thought that therapy would help then obviously that would happen, but she wants me to see her for an assessment anyway, I suppose so that she can get the view of someone else. It will be kind of weird, because I know that the psychologist knows a lot about me already - L has supervision about me with her regularly, and she has read all of my notes apparently (a pretty Herculean task - there are a hell of a lot of them!), so she knows a lot about me, both from my notes, and from talking to L. So it will be quite weird, because although in theory usually people are supposed to have read your notes, they generally seem not to have, and they certainly don't usually know as much about me as this psychologist does about me. A friend used to have therapy with her, and she is apparently very nice. But obviously it is still about 7 weeks away, and if I do end up having therapy with her then that would be even longer.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago