I am feeling worse and worse. In the last couple of days I have turned into this tense, anxious mess, constantly on the verge of tears but never actually letting the tears out, feeling desperately alone regardless of whether I am with people or not, continually thinking about how I can kill myself before the New Year because I can't cope with it. I feel sick with anxiety, and just completely overwhelmed. I feel like a complete and utter failure for letting yet another year of my life go by without achieving anything significant. My mental health problems are not getting any easier at all to cope with - if anything I would say that in many ways they are more difficult to live with now than they used to be, and so I can't see myself being able to achieve anything in the next year if I were to stay alive for it either. I have had enough of everything. I have been feeling like this for too long and I just can't cope with another year with no end in sight. My usual coping mechanism when things start to feel impossible is to turn to my weight and food, and to try and control that, but that is absolutely impossible at the moment as there is food everywhere, and I have gained several pounds - I haven't eaten an enormous quantity, but I have eaten a lot more than usual, and I have eaten a lot of foods that are high in calories and fat, so it isn't surprising. But it means that my normal method of attempting to control my mood even slightly isn't available to me.
I know New Year is just a day, I know that things might improve in 2011, but I don't actually give a shit, I just need everything to stop, and before 2011 starts. The thing that scares me most is that it is so few days away and I don't know when I will have the opportunity to do anything about it. I wish it wasn't this time of year, because I do appreciate that it is not good timing, but I just can't cope with the start of another year, I really really can't. I am feeling so desperate to get out. I wish I had killed myself years ago, or that one of the attempts I had made had been successful - there has never been a point when I have been pleased to still be alive and that I survived, and I think that has to prove something. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be, I don't know. I just know it feels completely unbearable at the moment, and I don't want to be here for the start of another year.
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Gee... I've turned into a mean, nasty, screaming, crying, harping, hysterical mess, but I don't feel like killing myself. Someone else, possibly, but not myself.
ReplyDeletei think in my case, its called resentment.
But, what is this about not succeeding or achieving anything significant? That is just not true, Bippie! Let's see in the very short time i've known you... You've had a big part in one musical, performed a SOLO in a big show featuring a broadway star, sung in a magnificent choir and snagged the lead in another top music. The LEAD and if you kill yourself they are going to be hopping mad!!!
And all of that has been in the last 2 months!
Sorry, you aren't feeling well, though. Everyone gains weight at this time of year. Its impossible not to and also, you had just lost several pounds that you did not NEED to lose. Please be gentle with yourself. xo
Hey Bippidee, I know that sometimes it can feel overwhelming when you expect to be feeling a certain way 'by now' and that you are still feeling it and nothing seems to help. I felt like this so many years in a row it just didn't feel like I should go on either but I learnt that those were my expectations and not how others saw me at all. No one expected the things I expected of myself. I thought I should be better, further on in my career, have a better job or be at a certain place in life by now. I also have now learnt that that is a different place and time for every single person and it's only you that probably feels that way. I am 36 years old and I have only had a permanent good job in May this year. I didn't start working until I was 32 and before that studied because I was scared of work. I did one or two subjects a month at uni. I was also on disability for a long time and then one day I just wanted it to be better and it's taken to now for that to happen. I am not upset with myself for not being further along in my career, even when I know my friends or people I know have been working for years. It just took a bit longer for me and the ride has not been easy. At least you are trying and that's all you can expect of yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
I get the same way when it gets closer to the New Year- I think about what a fail the past year has been and I think about how much I feel as though I can't cope with another year. Sending you strength and love to get through to the new year. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Lexie. I've also felt the way that you describe here and for me it feels like I need to get away from myself. Remember, you've gone through many New Year's in the past and you will get through this one. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAgreeing with all above. You have achieved sooo much this year. I know I find it hard just before the start of a new year, like someone else has said it just reminds me of how bad I think things have been this year.. Next year is a new year, with new opportunities and new chances to improve the way things are. As hard as it is try not to lose hope hun xox
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that you have achieved much this year, to be proud of, but also understand the feelings that you haven't, or that it's "not enough" - No one holds us to as high a standard as we hold ourselves, and no-one punishes us as much when we fail to reach them as we do ourselves...
I also understand the gap between knowing Jan 1st is just anotherday, and feeling it is... so much emphasis and so many connotations and meanings are placed upon it... I know that you're strong enough to get through it, even if that might not be what you want. And I hope that this coming year proves to be a good one, and one in which you finally achieve happiness and a comfortableness with yourself.
Take care,
Differently
The whole bloody thing sucks and is horrendously triggering. Obviously I hope you don't kill yourself, but I understand the desperate circumstances. I hope you can stay strong and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
P x
You are such a sweetie. Your worth is immense. Keep in touch over the next few days, I'm always happy to talk to my friend Bip.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
I agree with everything Lexie said. I think you HAVE accomplished a lot this year-- you've done a lot of performing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you're saying in your second paragraph. But I really hope you can hang on until things change. Because I think they will.
Wishing you well,
NOS
I can relate to what you are saying:(
ReplyDeleteI dont't know what could I say to make you feel better except I understand you and I send you lots of hugs.