I am feeling worse and worse. In the last couple of days I have turned into this tense, anxious mess, constantly on the verge of tears but never actually letting the tears out, feeling desperately alone regardless of whether I am with people or not, continually thinking about how I can kill myself before the New Year because I can't cope with it. I feel sick with anxiety, and just completely overwhelmed. I feel like a complete and utter failure for letting yet another year of my life go by without achieving anything significant. My mental health problems are not getting any easier at all to cope with - if anything I would say that in many ways they are more difficult to live with now than they used to be, and so I can't see myself being able to achieve anything in the next year if I were to stay alive for it either. I have had enough of everything. I have been feeling like this for too long and I just can't cope with another year with no end in sight. My usual coping mechanism when things start to feel impossible is to turn to my weight and food, and to try and control that, but that is absolutely impossible at the moment as there is food everywhere, and I have gained several pounds - I haven't eaten an enormous quantity, but I have eaten a lot more than usual, and I have eaten a lot of foods that are high in calories and fat, so it isn't surprising. But it means that my normal method of attempting to control my mood even slightly isn't available to me.
I know New Year is just a day, I know that things might improve in 2011, but I don't actually give a shit, I just need everything to stop, and before 2011 starts. The thing that scares me most is that it is so few days away and I don't know when I will have the opportunity to do anything about it. I wish it wasn't this time of year, because I do appreciate that it is not good timing, but I just can't cope with the start of another year, I really really can't. I am feeling so desperate to get out. I wish I had killed myself years ago, or that one of the attempts I had made had been successful - there has never been a point when I have been pleased to still be alive and that I survived, and I think that has to prove something. Maybe some people just aren't meant to be, I don't know. I just know it feels completely unbearable at the moment, and I don't want to be here for the start of another year.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago