What do you do when it feels like every day you are inching closing and closer to the edge of the cliff? The cliff that you have spent the last two weeks feeling like you are hanging on to by your fingertips in fact, so perhaps it is that you are now losing grip and starting to slide down the side? What do you do? When is it ok to say that you have been actively fighting this for over seven years, and that you just can't do it any more? To give up essentially. Particularly when you don't seem to be able to get much support, and so really you are having to do it on your own. There must be a point when it is considered acceptable to stop fighting. When you have tried hard enough for long enough. When people would understand that you can't keep living for others, and that you have kept going for as long as you can.
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I am at that point, but I know others would disagree. And I suppose part of me wonders if with more support, although right now it would need to be quite a lot more, I could keep going. But what is the point? What would it achieve? Another two months or so and I would be back in this position. To me, I have done enough and suicide is a perfectly reasonable option. For the sake of others I am trying to continue to fight, but I cannot do it on my own. So what am I supposed to do? Telling my parents won't help. They know I am not doing too well anyway, but talking about suicide just panics them, and won't change anything. My mum takes away whatever pills she can find, but actually that doesn't change anything. So I don't see talking to them as a helpful option. L knows I feel awful. I could tell her again, but I don't know what difference it would make. And there is nobody else I can turn to. That's it. She is the only person I trust, and she is the only person who could actually do anything. But she already knows. So here I am. Sliding down the cliff, and feeling like any day I am going to lose my grip completely and fall off. Which would be an enormous relief to me, but even in this state I know that it wouldn't to those around me. I do believe that they would be better off without me in the long term, but I know that they wouldn't be able to see that. So what do you do?
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago