I don't know what to say. I feel awful. My sleep last night was as bad as ever. I woke up to a text from the director of the show saying she wanted to rehearse Sunday afternoon again, which immediately filled me with dread. I hate feeling like this about the one thing I have always cared about more than anything. I perform because I love it, because I am passionate about it, because it is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. And yet I have the lead part in a brilliant show, and I actually dread going to rehearsals, and spend the entire time desperately wishing I could go home.
I feel like I have reached a point where I just can't keep going on like this. It is too hard, and I need a reason other than other people to get me through, and there just isn't one. I sometimes wish that I didn't care about other people's feelings as much as I do. I feel like it constantly means that I am left feeling like shit, and like my feelings don't matter, because I don't want to hurt people, or because people make comments about suicide being selfish etc. But how do you weigh up the pain of one person against the pain of another? The people saying suicide is selfish aren't the ones who have to live with these feelings of complete desperation every single day. I feel like to get through this I really need a lot more help than I have at the moment, but I also know that isn't going to happen. I also have severe doubts as to whether anything would actually help. I feel like I am past the point where having a little chat about how shit I feel will change anything, and certainly having a bath or going for a walk or any of the other patronising bollocks that mental health professionals are so fond of suggesting will not make a scrap of difference. Having said that, I did try to call L yesterday, as I mentioned, and I also sent her an email during the night last night asking if she could call me today, but she didn't. Maybe she wasn't in work, or maybe she didn't have time, or maybe she just didn't want to listen to me whine about how shitty I feel, which would be entirely understandable. As I said, I don't actually think it would help anyway - I just always feel an obligation to at least mention to a professional if I am feeling seriously suicidal, so that I feel like I have made an effort. Of course I know they will do nothing about it, but there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know. On the one hand I feel like I really need support to get through this, but short of locking me up nothing would stop me if I decided to do sosmething, therefore it is pointless to even attempt to get help, and on the other hand, I don't even know if I want to get through it. I feel like I have had enough. This has been going on for too long, and I have had enough of feeling this terrible all of the time. And now things are at a point where I just absolutely do not want to see anyone or go anywhere, and I would do virtually anything to get out of doing the only thing I have ever cared about. This isn't living. It may be surviving, but it isn't living, and what is the point of surviving when you have no quality of life?
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago