Thursday, 27 January 2011


I had my assessment appointment with the psychologist today. It was fine. I feel like my brain is quite slow because of how I am feeling, and so I think it probably took me quite a long time to answer some of her questions, although I am not really sure as my perception of time seems a bit wonky at the moment. Anyway, she was very nice and friendly. She didn't ask about my history at all - she asked why I thought I had been referred, and then asked what my current problems are and what I would want help with changing in therapy etc. She asked how I felt about therapy, and if I felt like I wanted it at the moment. I said that it was really difficult to answer that, because a month ago I would have said yes, but that at the moment I was feeling very suicidal and didn't see a future. I said that I didn't want to waste her time by saying I was interested if I was then going to go home and kill myself in a few days. She said she would offer me CAT, and talked a bit about it, and asked if I would have interested in that if she had asked me a month ago rather than today. I said that a month ago I would have said yes, and so she said that she would put me on the waiting list because with how I am feeling at the moment I wouldn't really be able to make a decision. The waiting list is up to 18 weeks, and therefore probably longer than the therapy, as that tends to be 16 weeks, although she said it would possibly be 24 weeks. I was getting a bit emotional at the end of the appointment - I think I was just feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, and I was starting to feel a bit teary, but I managed to hold it in. I am not good at showing emotion.

I had quite a lot of time to hang around in town before and after my appointment. There was about 45 minutes before and I went into Costa and tried to read a book, but I couldn't concentrate - the words were swimming around on the page and I couldn't concentrate and just ended up staring into space. Reading really isn't working for me at the moment. After the appointment I had to wait for about an hour before I could be picked up and I went and sat in the library. I was somehow there for an hour and yet it felt like 10 or 15 minutes - I was just in a daze. I didn't even bother trying to read, I just sat there. I think I am dissociating quite a lot at the moment - time just keeps disappearing without me being aware of it.

I am struggling a lot. I made it until today, which was what I said I would do, and I went to the appointment. It was fine, and the psychologist was nice, but I am now back in the position of feeling very depressed and suicidal, with just fortnightly appointments with L to get me through, and a 3 or 4 month waiting list for therapy. Essentially that does not feel like a realistic option. It is now nearly 2 weeks again before I am due to see anyone. To be honest even if I had more help I don't know whether I could get through this, but it certainly doesn't feel like a possibility as things stand. I know that it is my life and I have to take responsibility for myself, but when I feel this bad the only way I feel able to do that is by telling someone how bad I am feeling and trying to get help, which is really hard to do, but is all I feel able to do. I do find it frustrating that it is always just assumed I will be fine and manage to get through. There have been a lot of times when I have been desperate and coped, but there are other times when I haven't. I think because it has been over two years since I last attempted suicide there is just an assumption that I will be fine. The last time I attempted suicide it was actually very similar, although that time it had been even longer - it was over 3 years that time, and again actually I was only seeing someone fortnightly, and that person wasn't even remotely supportive when I did see her, and completely ignored how bad I was feeling. I don't feel like L is ignoring how bad I feel, but I do just feel like there is an assumption I will just get by because I usually do, and sometimes I just feel so desperate, and like I need more support to cope, and when I can't get that it makes it even harder to find the motivation to keep fighting - it feels like they don't care enough to support me, so why I should I keep trying so hard when I don't want to be here? I just don't know what to do.


  1. So, what you're saying is that they think that you are just making all of this up and you don't need any further help? And that even the "suicide attempts" weren't really attempts to take your life, but just to get attention?

    That's how that all comes across as I'm reading from their standpoint, because there can be no other rationale. They are not sitting there thinking, "okay, how can we get that cute little Bippidee? We'll cut off her support and won't give her any medication... wooo hahahaha."

    I'm still befuddled why they won't give you some meds. Depression is a serious disease, personality disorder or no.

    And certainly sleep deprivation is a big problem, so I think if they could give you something to help you sleep and something to help with the psychosis/depression, then you would be feeling a lot better and then able to do more and not feel so despondent.

    This shouldn't be so difficult. Right now, reading your posts for weeks, I'm feeling like a rat running around on a wheel... and that just can't be right. Things aren't adding up. Maybe I'm just completely ignorant about all of this, but right now, it seems completely nonsensical on one end or the other.

    Anyway, I'm sorry for all of this, but if L has read most of what you've written, and she's not alarmed out of her mind, then either she's a sadistically sick effed up woman or she thinks that you're mostly making it all up. Since she's not doing very much, one can only conclude that she's ascertained that its the latter. I hope she's right. But even IF you are making it all up, you still feel like crap and it sounds like she's not helping you discover the tools that can help you.



  2. I don't think that they think I am making it up, or that the previous attempts weren't serious. I think that she has a lot more belief in my ability to keep going than I feel, particularly because there have been multiple times in the past when I have felt very suicidal and coped somehow. They haven't actually cut off my support - admittedly I am seeing L less frequently, but I understand why, and I can't blame her for it - it is just bad timing for me.

    I have sleeping tablets, I got them from my GP a few weeks ago, but the trouble is that I took sleeping tablets for so many years that I am basically immune to them now, and none of them actually make me sleep. The reason they won't prescribe anti depressants is because I have been on 5 and none helped, so they think it is all part of the BPD rather than a chemical depression and therefore they won't help me, and I have never had problems with psychosis.

    There are also a lot of differences in the system here to the US - if you look at other blogs of people over here with either unipolar depression or BPD, you will see it is quite rare to be admitted to hospital or anything - basically they have cut down the number of beds so much that they primarily admit people who are either manic or have a psychotic depression or schizophrenic type illness - it is quite rare for people to be admitted for being suicidal alone. I know there is a limit to what L can do. I just feel so hopeless.


  3. Honestly, I don't know the answers, but you are not alone. I understand the feelings of being suicidal but not actually wanting to commit suicide or thinking about it so much that you worry you might. And I agree meds dont help. I have a lethal concoction myself (elavil and tamazepam), but I wouldnt od again because it's just not worth it. Hospitals dont help people with BPD...they keep them safe for 72 hours and then you not only have the problems you had when you entered, but worse...and a bill to boot.

    Sorry you're feeling so bad. :( email me if you ever want to chat. ghostgirlanonymous@gmail.com.

  4. I want to commit suicide. I want to die. I don't want to hurt people but I want to die. I try and get help because of not wanting to hurt people, but when that doesn't happen I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have benzos for anxiety med wise, and at the moment short term sleeping tablets, but no anti depressants. Thanks for the support. x

  5. So sorry you are not getting the support that you need and that how you are feeling has gone on for such a long time. Maybe something will come of your assessment the other day and you will get some support that way.
    Take care
    Hugs xx