I had my assessment appointment with the psychologist today. It was fine. I feel like my brain is quite slow because of how I am feeling, and so I think it probably took me quite a long time to answer some of her questions, although I am not really sure as my perception of time seems a bit wonky at the moment. Anyway, she was very nice and friendly. She didn't ask about my history at all - she asked why I thought I had been referred, and then asked what my current problems are and what I would want help with changing in therapy etc. She asked how I felt about therapy, and if I felt like I wanted it at the moment. I said that it was really difficult to answer that, because a month ago I would have said yes, but that at the moment I was feeling very suicidal and didn't see a future. I said that I didn't want to waste her time by saying I was interested if I was then going to go home and kill myself in a few days. She said she would offer me CAT, and talked a bit about it, and asked if I would have interested in that if she had asked me a month ago rather than today. I said that a month ago I would have said yes, and so she said that she would put me on the waiting list because with how I am feeling at the moment I wouldn't really be able to make a decision. The waiting list is up to 18 weeks, and therefore probably longer than the therapy, as that tends to be 16 weeks, although she said it would possibly be 24 weeks. I was getting a bit emotional at the end of the appointment - I think I was just feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, and I was starting to feel a bit teary, but I managed to hold it in. I am not good at showing emotion.
I had quite a lot of time to hang around in town before and after my appointment. There was about 45 minutes before and I went into Costa and tried to read a book, but I couldn't concentrate - the words were swimming around on the page and I couldn't concentrate and just ended up staring into space. Reading really isn't working for me at the moment. After the appointment I had to wait for about an hour before I could be picked up and I went and sat in the library. I was somehow there for an hour and yet it felt like 10 or 15 minutes - I was just in a daze. I didn't even bother trying to read, I just sat there. I think I am dissociating quite a lot at the moment - time just keeps disappearing without me being aware of it.
I am struggling a lot. I made it until today, which was what I said I would do, and I went to the appointment. It was fine, and the psychologist was nice, but I am now back in the position of feeling very depressed and suicidal, with just fortnightly appointments with L to get me through, and a 3 or 4 month waiting list for therapy. Essentially that does not feel like a realistic option. It is now nearly 2 weeks again before I am due to see anyone. To be honest even if I had more help I don't know whether I could get through this, but it certainly doesn't feel like a possibility as things stand. I know that it is my life and I have to take responsibility for myself, but when I feel this bad the only way I feel able to do that is by telling someone how bad I am feeling and trying to get help, which is really hard to do, but is all I feel able to do. I do find it frustrating that it is always just assumed I will be fine and manage to get through. There have been a lot of times when I have been desperate and coped, but there are other times when I haven't. I think because it has been over two years since I last attempted suicide there is just an assumption that I will be fine. The last time I attempted suicide it was actually very similar, although that time it had been even longer - it was over 3 years that time, and again actually I was only seeing someone fortnightly, and that person wasn't even remotely supportive when I did see her, and completely ignored how bad I was feeling. I don't feel like L is ignoring how bad I feel, but I do just feel like there is an assumption I will just get by because I usually do, and sometimes I just feel so desperate, and like I need more support to cope, and when I can't get that it makes it even harder to find the motivation to keep fighting - it feels like they don't care enough to support me, so why I should I keep trying so hard when I don't want to be here? I just don't know what to do.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago