Feel free to skip on past this to other posts - I didn't mean to write a blog post 5 hours after my last one - I just got so frustrated with my sleep, or lack of it, that I started writing.
I have remembered why I don't even try to get to sleep at a slightly more reasonable time when I am doing badly. It doesn't work, and I get stressed and upset, and end up working up and crying, which of course makes me even less likely to sleep. I didn't aim to get to sleep ridiculously early or anything, as I knew that would be pointless. I Took 10mg Diazepam at about 1:30, to try and start calming me down a bit, then about half an hour/three quarters of an hour later I had a Zopiclone. I hoped to start feeling dopey within about half an hour of that when I have taken it following Diazepam like that, but no such luck. I wasn't feeling anything, and I was really desperate to get a decent sleep, so I took another one. I think that must have been at about 2:45. I decided that if I could get to sleep about 3:30/3:45, then that would give me 9 hours sleep, which would be a functionable amount. So even though I still wasn't sleepy, soon after 3 I decided that I would put on a CD I like, that is quite relaxing and soothing, and just lie in the dark and hope that I drifted off. The CD played. I wasn't feeling at all sleepy. The CD played all the way through and I started getting a bit stressed when it got to the end. By that time it was about 4am. I then decided that perhaps playing musical beds would help, and went off to try and sleep in a different bed. That didn't help, and I didn't even have the distraction of music then, so I started getting more and more intrusive thoughts, and then got quite worked up and upset and ended up crying, and decided to come back to my own bedroom, where at least I could sit up and do something until I felt sleepy. Unfortunately it is now less than 8 hours until I need to be awake, I have taken 2 Zopiclone, and I am going to get an inadequate amount of sleep, which means that I will be like a complete zombie at my rehearsal tomorrow. I am not sure what to do really sleep wise. I have tried everything. I have tried just staying online etc until I feel sleepy, but even with meds that can result in not getting to sleep until after 6am. I have tried doing the listening to soothing music whilst lying in the dark and just hoping you will drift off. I have tried just trying to go to sleep. I have tried not taking anything. I have tried just Diazepam. I have tried two or three Diazepam. I have tried not taking Zopiclone. I have tried taking one or two Zopiclone. I have tried taking Diazepam and Zopiclone together in various quantities. But I still cannot sleep. I know that if my mood were to pick up then I would start being able to sleep again - not early, but I think I am semi-nocturnal naturally (I actually think I have this - it fits me perfectly) but several hours earlier than I am currently sleeping, which would be fine by me. But I think my mood picking up is very unlikely, and that suicide is actually a far better option. I hate knowing that I have less than 7 and a half hours until I have to be awake. I know I will get some sleep, but I also know that it isn't going to be enough and that I will feel like shit tomorrow. At this fucking rehearsal that I don't even want to go to. Wonderful. I haven't even been to sleep and woken up yet, and I already know that I am in a shit mood and that I hate Sunday.
Usually at this sort of time of the week I start thinking that it isn't long until I will be seeing L, as I usually see her Tuesday mornings, and so I use that as something to hold on to and to try and get through until - my time when I can be honest about how I feel and talk about what is going on. But because of seeing her fortnightly that means there is an entire week and a half until I am due to see her, and that feels like a really long time away. I am not sure if I can get that far. I am not sure if I want to. I don't see the point. Whilst I look forward to seeing her, as it gives me an opportunity to be myself and talk about what is upsetting me that I don't get anywhere else, ultimately it can't change anything, If I saw her this Tuesday it wouldn't stop me feeling suicidal. The thoughts would still be there. She can't fix me - we both know that. She can support me and encourage me and listen to me and make suggestions of things that may help, but she can't fix me. The trouble is, I don't think anyone can - I feel like I am broken into too many pieces for it ever be possible for me to be whole again. I am of course aware that nobody can fix anyone - therapy is very much a two way process and you have to work really hard at it. But I just don't feel like things can ever change, and that makes me feel so hopeless. There are things that I think may help, or have more chance of helping than anything else, but they aren't things that are options for me, due to them not existing in my area (DBT, MBT and other recommended BPD treatments), or not having the money to pay for them or any chance of gaining NHS funding for them (therapeutic communities at The Cassel or The Retreat - ideally The Retreat as I think it looks more suitable for me, but hey I wouldn't be fussy!) The above treatments are those recommended in the NICE guidelines as being the most appropriate treatments for people with BPD, but I can't access any of them. At the moment I can't access anything except fortnightly sessions with a CPN and a waiting list for CAT. I have been under Mental Health services for 7 and a half years now, and things are as bad as they have ever been. I am just so exhausted and I feel so drained and I can't keep carrying on like this, but nobody can take it away, the only things I can imagine ever helping aren't available, I can't imagine things ever changing any other way, and even if they did it wouldn't be worth living like this, and that makes me feel like suicide is my only option. I didn't mean to start talking about suicide again. I meant to talk about sleep. I suppose that shows how much suicide is on my mind at the moment. Everything seems to lead back to it. Since I now have less than 7 hours until I have to be up I suppose I should try and sleep yet again......
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago