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Monday 10 January 2011

Not better

Today wasn't really any better. I did get more sleep, although still not the 10 hours I would really like to get one day, but I still felt really shit and tired all day, which makes me think it is probably more a depression thing than just a sleep thing. No great surprise. I just want out, I have had enough. I am seeing L on Tuesday. I won't do anything before then. I just don't want to be alive though. And I don't think I should have to be when I feel so awful so much of the time. I can't keep living for other people - it just makes me resent them and so I am moody and snappy and irritable and just not a nice person to be around. I have obviously had suicidal thoughts for years, but for quite a few months now I have been convinced it is the right decision, even when my mood hasn't been at rock bottom. It seems like a rational decision.

I start back at ballet tomorrow for the first time since before Christmas. Usually I have to go to rehearsals Monday night following ballet, but I am not needed at rehearsal tomorrow or Wednesday, as they are working on a number I am not in. That is a massive relief. I shouldn't feel like that - I should enjoy going to rehearsals. I am supposed to be performing because I enjoy it, nobody makes me do it. But when I see a rehearsal on the schedule that I am not called for I just feel such a sense of relief. I think when I am feeling bad it just takes too much energy from me - ballet is difficult in that I have to a) get dressed, b) leave the house, c) see people, and d) be energetic, but at least there isn't too much chance for socialising at ballet - 5 or 10 minutes before class starts whilst I am getting ready, 5 minutes in the middle of the class whilst we are stretching, and 5 minutes whilst I am getting changed after, and that is about it apart from a few words now and then. That feels more manageable than a 2 and a half hour rehearsal, for obvious reasons really.

I think I will take Diazepam/Zopiclone again tonight. I took 2 Diazepam last night, rather than the 1 I usually take, and then 1 Zopiclone about half an hour later, and that seemed to make me sleep, although I did have the horrible Zopiclone taste in my mouth when I woke up. I still had 2 Zopiclone left from my last prescription of it, so I could do the same tonight without having to start on my new prescription. I could sleep without it, but I did manage to sleep an hour or 2 earlier last night than other recent nights I think, so maybe it is a good idea. If I took it now hopefully I could be asleep about 3:30/4, which whilst not exactly impressive, is definitely better than 6. I suppose it is anyway. I have to say I don't really understand why it matters that much what time you go to sleep and wake up, but everyone else seems to think it is important so I suppose it must be.

6 comments:

  1. I understand what you say about the suicidal thoughts, and empathise. mine too have been there for a long time, and I too feel that it is the rational thing these last few months.
    I have no wisdom to share, just to say i think i understand.
    Excuse the incoherantness of this comment, I am tired.
    Tack Care. Penny

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  2. I really wish I could help you babe I don't know if that just sounds ridiculous but I really wish I could wave a wand and make all this shit go away.

    xoxo
    -Lisa
    ps- my blog isn't private anymore!

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  3. I second what Lisa said. I wish I could help. The only thing I can offer you at the moment is the knowledge that I have been where you are. You are not alone. But things have gotten better for me. They aren't perfect, but it's bearable. I have hope that things can get better for you too.

    And I'm always here to listen.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  4. Hi! I've really enjoyed reading your blog and just wanted to let you know I added you to my blogroll. Best, Gittele

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  5. I have been away for a week or so and have missed reading your blog. Sorry to hear your feeling so bad. If it helps, I feel exactly the same way. Just want to go to bed and never wake up. But I can't now. I am moving back to where my daughters are and they will be in my life everyday once again so I have to force myself to get better for them. You were the one who told me a long time ago that I need to think of my daughters ~ and now i am ~
    Just remember that hundreds of people read this blog and we all care about you ~ a lot!
    ((( hugs )))

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  6. [Hug]

    I don't know where you live and I don't know how right somewhere like this would be for you, but have you ever heard of a place called Maytree?

    http://www.maytree.org.uk/

    B-eat told me about them a long time ago. Since then I've met a few people who have been there. It seems like a good place for resting and feeling better.

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