Today wasn't really any better. I did get more sleep, although still not the 10 hours I would really like to get one day, but I still felt really shit and tired all day, which makes me think it is probably more a depression thing than just a sleep thing. No great surprise. I just want out, I have had enough. I am seeing L on Tuesday. I won't do anything before then. I just don't want to be alive though. And I don't think I should have to be when I feel so awful so much of the time. I can't keep living for other people - it just makes me resent them and so I am moody and snappy and irritable and just not a nice person to be around. I have obviously had suicidal thoughts for years, but for quite a few months now I have been convinced it is the right decision, even when my mood hasn't been at rock bottom. It seems like a rational decision.
I start back at ballet tomorrow for the first time since before Christmas. Usually I have to go to rehearsals Monday night following ballet, but I am not needed at rehearsal tomorrow or Wednesday, as they are working on a number I am not in. That is a massive relief. I shouldn't feel like that - I should enjoy going to rehearsals. I am supposed to be performing because I enjoy it, nobody makes me do it. But when I see a rehearsal on the schedule that I am not called for I just feel such a sense of relief. I think when I am feeling bad it just takes too much energy from me - ballet is difficult in that I have to a) get dressed, b) leave the house, c) see people, and d) be energetic, but at least there isn't too much chance for socialising at ballet - 5 or 10 minutes before class starts whilst I am getting ready, 5 minutes in the middle of the class whilst we are stretching, and 5 minutes whilst I am getting changed after, and that is about it apart from a few words now and then. That feels more manageable than a 2 and a half hour rehearsal, for obvious reasons really.
I think I will take Diazepam/Zopiclone again tonight. I took 2 Diazepam last night, rather than the 1 I usually take, and then 1 Zopiclone about half an hour later, and that seemed to make me sleep, although I did have the horrible Zopiclone taste in my mouth when I woke up. I still had 2 Zopiclone left from my last prescription of it, so I could do the same tonight without having to start on my new prescription. I could sleep without it, but I did manage to sleep an hour or 2 earlier last night than other recent nights I think, so maybe it is a good idea. If I took it now hopefully I could be asleep about 3:30/4, which whilst not exactly impressive, is definitely better than 6. I suppose it is anyway. I have to say I don't really understand why it matters that much what time you go to sleep and wake up, but everyone else seems to think it is important so I suppose it must be.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago