I am still struggling to sort through my thoughts, everything is just a bit jumbled and so I can't write. I don't like that. I like using writing as a way of getting everything out of my head, but I just can't seem to untangle my thought to write them down at the moment. I was supposed to be seeing L on Tuesday but it was cancelled because she was off sick, and they said she would contact me to rearrange when she was back, and I still haven't heard anything, so I assume she still isn't back, which means it will be next Tuesday before I am able to see her. Obviously I didn't get to see her last week, as she was on leave between Christmas and New Year, so it will have been 3 weeks between seeing her, which always feels like a really long time, particularly when I am struggling.
I am still having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I am not in that very flat Depression that I was a couple of months ago. I have just had enough of everything, I have considered all of my options, and I don't want to be alive anymore. I have had 3 rehearsals this week, and I have found them really difficult to be at, because I am continually thinking that I won't be alive by the time the show is on, but obviously that isn't that kind of thing I can say - I can't tell the Director that I am not going to be able to do the show because I will be dead, and I certainly have no excuse for dropping out to give my parents. And so I feel guilty about that, because I know that the longer I rehearse for the more difficult I will be to replace, which makes me feel like I need to act on the feelings as soon as possible to cause as little inconvenience as possible to the creative team and my fellow cast members. My mum is back at work next week, so I will have to see how I feel over the next few days I suppose and then make a decision.
My new laptop arrived yesterday. It is very shiny and pretty. My mum made some comment about how I shouldn't really be able to buy something like that when I am claiming benefits. My whole family seem to be of the opinion that you shouldn't be able to afford anything at all if you are on benefits. I have always been a saver with money - apart from the odd impulsive buy, and obviously necessities, I am a real hoarder, and so I do save. I am lucky in that I have little in the way of expenses, but I only claim Incapacity - I don't get DLA, so it isn't like I have very much money coming in - I am just good at saving. I am lucky in that I don't have bills to pay, as I live with my parents, although I give them any Cold Weather Payments that come through to go towards the heating costs. So I know I do have more money to spare than many people claiming benefits, but that is partly because I am careful with it. I don't smoke and I don't drink so I don't have any expenses there, which a high percentage of people do. I just find it frustrating when people judge how I spend my money, and I get it all of the time from my family.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago