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Monday, 17 January 2011

A mess

I am really struggling. The rehearsal yesterday was possibly even more hideous than I anticipated. I felt like complete shit the entire time, hated every second of it, and desperately just wanted to be at home. As a result I was probably hideous to work with. And I have to do it all again tonight, except for 3 hours, and with an hour of ballet first. I am feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything, the last thing I want to do is go out for 4 hours tonight, plus over an hour travelling. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong and powerful and I don't know how to fight them. At the moment lack of opportunity is stopping me, but I don't know how long that will apply. Although I am possibly too exhausted to do anything, I'm not sure. Certainly my brain doesn't seem able to think very clearly. I just feel a complete mess. I got more sleep last night, but am still absolutely exhausted. I also made the mistake earlier of looking in a mirror, and I do actually look as shit as I feel. My eyes have turned into these tiny little half open things, with enormous black rings underneath them, and I just look awful. Both parents have pointed out the black rings multiple times over the last couple of days, so I am definitely not imagining them or exaggerating how bad they are - I apparently look awful. When I was on my way to rehearsal yesterday my mum suggested I put some eye make up on. I asked why, and she said it might make me look a bit better as I looked exhausted, and maybe some mascara would make my eyes look like they were open. She definitely had a point, but I didn't have the energy, and I don't today either. I can't fucking cope like this. I meant to write a post over the weekend for One Month Before Heartbreak, but my brain is too jumbled to write anything to do it justice.

5 comments:

  1. sending huge hugs.
    Hope you get through this soon!
    xxx

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  2. I hope you feel better soon. There's nothing that sucks more than feeling bad but knowing that it's noticeable to other people. I'm thinking of you!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  3. I don't really know what to say except that you're in my thoughts and I hope against hope that you'll get through this soon.

    *big hugs*

    <3 xxx

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  4. I had a thought-- when I want to kill myself it's often because I feel trapped and want to quit. But it's a lot better to quit things in life than to quit life itself. If ballet is too much then you have the right to quit it. It's not worth dying over.

    I'm sorry you're so down. I am sending you all of the love I can find.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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