Weight and Cake

I feel hideous. I have gained over 2lbs the last few days, and although I am aware that isn't very much, my weight does not fluctuate except with actual weight gain and loss, and I just feel like I have lost control of the sole thing that was actually ok and I wasn't feeling hideous about. The strange thing is, I still have no appetite. I am not hungry. I have just been eating for the sake of it, and that really annoys me. If I am hungry and I eat then that is kind of fair enough, although I still resent it if it causes weight gain, but not even being hungry and yet still managing to eat enough that I gain weight is just shit to be honest. I just feel revolting.

Naturally the way to solve the problem was to make a cake..... I do wonder about my intelligence at times. My mum clearly wanted a birthday cake though - when she was in Sainsbury's last week she phoned me and said they had the Betty Crocker Devil's Food Cake mix on offer, plus the icing and should she buy them. I said she may as well buy the cake mix, since those cakes always turn out perfectly, whereas generally I find chocolate cakes a bit hit and miss as to whether they are delicious or dry, despite using the same recipe. Ironically I said not to bother with the icing, since icing isn't exactly difficult to make. Yesterday's endeavor clearly proved me wrong on that score. So anyway, I cheated and used the packet mix for the cake (which I did on Sunday) and then planned to decorate it yesterday, but as I explained, it all went hideously wrong as the buttercream curdled, and absolutely nothing I tried made it right again. So today I started again. I wanted two lots of icing - white chocolate for the middle layer and for piping, and normal chocolate for the top and sides. It all went fine. It just took so long. I don't know if I am just spectacularly crap at doing things like that, or if my concentration is bad enough at the moment that I went off into my own thoughts for long periods at a time, but from starting to make the icing, to the cake being totally finished took three hours, which is pretty ridiculous quite frankly - I wasn't attempting anything terribly complicated, and I did absolutely nothing in that time apart from that. Wondering if maybe some dissociating was going on, as three hours is just an absurd length of time for it to have taken when I look back at it. Due to my lack of imagination the cake looks remarkably similar to the cake I made for Mother's Day last year. Here are cake pictures since I have nothing interesting to say;

(Mis)Trust

I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn't hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn't have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her - she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly - all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can't have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can't quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother's Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow - that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice - vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren't terribly attractive I don't think, but I kind of don't give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the 'What do you do?' question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No.... I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven't done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven't done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it - are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn't seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn't sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don't hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven't, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot - usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can't cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don't believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June - perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn't previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn't do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can't be taken over. But that doesn't stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn't deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don't even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don't know what I can possibly do.

Useless

I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.

My mum's boss died this morning. That's sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn't even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don't think my mum will have had a very good birthday.

I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don't want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don't remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.

Isolating

Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people - I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven't spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn't say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn't make any noise and didn't involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn't feeling too great. I can't do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don't know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can't concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.

Plus it is my mum's birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn't realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven't got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won't have long at home - we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn't spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her - I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can't face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.

I can't wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven't slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don't want to. I wish so much I didn't have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.

Broken

I don't know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can't sleep properly. I don't seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can't read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can't concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren't any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet - he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn't have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn't leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn't convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me - his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me - he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn't have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn't an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to be without my teddy. It is my mum's birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don't ruin the day for her, and I don't think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.

New Year blues

Today has been a shit day. I just feel like a tonne of bricks dropped on me a few days ago, and every day another tonne has been added. My aunt was here today, which was ok, but I just find speaking to people, and trying to show any enthusiasm in what they are saying so much effort - I don't even feel able to fake it properly any more. I ate like a fucking pig - yesterday I weighed less than a pound more than I did pre-Christmas, which I thought was quite impressive in the overall scheme of things. Today there was loads of food out because we had people over, and so I just ate fucking non stop. I felt sick and still kept eating. I desperately wanted to purge, but that wasn't an option, and so for some reason I just kept eating instead. I am not sure whether it was supposed to be comfort eating, in which case it failed miserably as it made me feel like complete shit, or whether I was punishing myself, and since I couldn't purge I just kept eating until I felt ill instead. Either way I ended up feeling grotesque. All day I was getting really graphic images popping up in my head of me hurting myself. Mostly bad self harm, which is quite random as I rarely self harm, and when I do it is never deep. But I just kept getting these images of me cutting myself really deep, and slicing big chunks of fat off my thighs. We have a bread knife, which is supposedly 'The World's Sharpest Knife' (says that on it) and every time I see it I imagine sawing through all of the fat on my thighs with it. It will saw through frozen chicken portions, so it obviously is quite sharp. I know I would be very unlikely to do it - that just isn't my style. I don't like anything that involves medical attention. Proper suicide attempts are slightly different as the medical attention is not my intention or plan in those situations, but I would never take an overdose or self harm and then present at A&E - I am not judging people who do that, but it just is not something I would want to do. If I want to hurt myself I want to do it in the most unobtrusive way I can find, again barring suicide attempts, as by their nature they have a tendency to attract attention. But if there was a way I could just disappear then I would. Anyway, so I had lots of films in my head of self harming badly, and also of jumping off a multi storey car park, and of hanging myself. My head isn't a nice place to be at the moment. It is quite distressing really I suppose. Even if you want to die, you don't really want possible scenarios playing out in your head constantly - it all gets a bit much really.

I loathe New Year. More than I can express. I think it is actually my least favourite day of the whole year. It is even worse than my birthday I think. At least most people either don't know, or forget, that it is your birthday, and so you can generally get through most of the day without it being brought to your attention, and if you look at it from a materialistic view point you usually get presents and a cake, and so there are some nicer aspects to it, although I have to say that I think birthdays are pretty shit really, and I refused to acknowledge mine on the correct day this year. But anyway. New Year. What the fuck is the point? It is another year. And people actually seem to think that because the number of the year is different, your life will also be different. That things will change for you this year, or that this will be the year that is good for you, or where you will achieve something, and bollocks like that. No. It will be the same - the date will just be slightly different. And then you are expected to stand around drinking Champagne and singing a stupid song that nobody actually knows the words to, and saying Happy New Year to everyone you see for the next couple of days. And I don't know what we are fucking celebrating. I have never understood that, ever. It makes no sense to me. All it does for me is remind me of everything I have wanted to achieve but haven't in the past year, and make me realise what a failure I am.

My mother has done a good job of reminding me of that this evening actually. She doesn't do it intentionally, but she really seems to have a knack of tapping into my insecurities. Earlier on she told me she really thought I should have applied for drama school this year, and that if I didn't go this year (meaning 2011) she didn't think I would ever go, and that this would have been a really good year to apply. I said that I didn't feel well enough, but according to her I am because I can get up on stage and perform, and that is all you do at drama school. Which is of course complete rubbish. She then pointed out that if I didn't go this year I would be at least 26 when I started, and that I would be getting old, and when I said that actually some people go to drama school a lot older than that she said that they would have achieved something first, whereas I haven't done anything. Which is all fucking true, and makes me even more angry and upset because of that. If she had been talking bollocks then I could have coped with it, but she was saying all of the things that I always think. That I am getting old, that I haven't achieved anything, and basically that I will never accomplish the only thing I have ever wanted to do, because I am leaving it too late because of my mental health problems. Great. Just what I needed to hear the day before my least favourite day of the entire year when I dwell on all of those things anyway. She didn't say any of it in a nasty way. It just felt like salt being rubbed into a very raw wound.

Apparently my sister has invited my parents to spend New Year's Eve at their house. Not me of course because she still hates me. I was hoping they would go, but it seems they aren't going to. I had it all planned out. If they went I was going to tell them I would probably be asleep by the time they got home, take an overdose as soon as they had left, and leave a note somewhere where it would be found but not immediately, so that they wouldn't see it when they got home. Then when they got home they wouldn't have known I had taken an overdose, and so would just think I was sleeping, then I usually sleep until at least 1, so they wouldn't come up to see me before that, and it may even have been an hour or two after, and so my overdose would have had a good 18 hours to work before I was found, possibly even 20. Unfortunately it seems they aren't going to go. Primarily because my dad doesn't want to, although my mum also said that she didn't want to leave me here on my own on New Year's Eve, despite me protesting that I really didn't mind at all. They know that I loathe New Year and don't want to celebrate it. They see me having a complete breakdown every year. And yet they still try to give me champagne and say Happy New Year to me. When I said something to my mum tonight about how much I hate New Year she said she thinks someone must have said they hated New Year to me, and so I say it as well. Because I clearly couldn't actually have a thought of my own - everything I think and feel that she doesn't understand or disagrees with, she calls my 'quirks' and seems to attribute all of them to things that other people have said or done that I have copied. I suppose that fits in quite well with her agreeing with my sister that there isn't actually anything wrong with me and that I do everything for effect.

I am feeling really terrible. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I can't imagine anything at all that would make me want to live, or make this constant pain bearable. I really want to die. I don't want to be told how much I have achieved, or how strong I am, or that 2011 will be better for me, or anything else. I just want my life to end, and I consider myself incredibly weak for not making that happen before this.

'Turning, turning, turning through the years.
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes, nothing ever can
Round and round the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!'
 - 'Turning', Les Miserables

Happy Birthday Blog!

Today is my blog's 1st Birthday! I would really like to thank everyone who has read and commented over the last year. Starting this blog was one of the best decisions I have made in recent years - I have met so many really incredible people, and I am so thankful to know all of you. I would never have dreamed when I started this blog a year ago, just as a place for me to write about how I was feeling, that I would get so many readers, and that I would end up feeling so close to my fellow bloggers. So thank you all very much for your support over the last year - I genuinely have no idea where I would be if it wasn't for all of the support and understanding I have received from readers of this blog, both here on the blog, and on Twitter, Facebook, and via email and MSN - people staying up half the night to support me through bad times by talking to me, or leaving me comments, or just checking in on me when things haven't been great. It really does mean more than I can say, and whilst it sounds somewhat melodramatic to say I don't know where I would be without it, I really don't. This really has turned into one of my main sources of support, or at least the people I have met via it has, and there are definitely times I don't know if I would have managed to get through without the support. I couldn't wish for a more caring and compassionate online support network, and you all mean so much to me. Thank you so much for everything.

Commitment

I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn't eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won't have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn't really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don't even like fruit cakes. And I don't even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake - originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn't want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn't even that keen on cake - fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won't eat much of it, I won't eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn't have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don't dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don't know why she didn't just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn't want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn't have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don't need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read - when my concentration isn't too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn't a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don't like the book and so can't be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping - increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn't hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn't really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven't actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn't be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both - the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon - Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren't for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn't start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don't know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don't feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don't want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn't have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren't a lead it doesn't matter too much - you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn't have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time - if I wasn't able to do it in the end then it wouldn't actually affect the production - they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers - it wouldn't be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don't know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can't cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage 'There are no small parts, only small actors' is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead - that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important - you can't do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don't know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn't honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody's birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn't be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn't have done that to her. The final rule is that I can't do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn't have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn't. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven't really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn't always work - if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren't out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn't an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away - I can't say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don't want to be alive for 2 months more. I don't want to be alive for 2 days more - committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don't mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won't act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn't even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

Hideous afternoon!

I started writing this earlier. I was then interrupted, and have finished the rest now. First paragraph was written at 3pm - the rest now.

So it is my nephew's birthday party at the moment. I am not there. The plan was for my mum and I to pick up older nephew when he finished school at 3:15, as we live near the school, and take him back to theirs, and then there would be the party. This morning whilst I was asleep this all changed. Older nephew throw a tantrum about going to school when other people were getting ready for the party, and since my sister seems to want to encourage her son to become a spoilt brat, she phoned the school and said he would be in during the morning, but then my mum would pick him up at lunch time, and would then take him back so he could help etc. Naturally I didn't know about this as I was asleep, and since I hadn't got to sleep until about 6:30 I had set my alarm for 2, to give me time to get ready and go. My mum woke me up at 1 saying she was going to pick up my nephew in 20 minutes so I needed to hurry up - I said I couldn't get ready in 20 minutes as I needed to have a shower and wash my hair etc. Just before she went to pick him up she said she could bring him back here after she collected him for a while to give me time to get ready. So she went off to get him, I went and got in the shower, she came back, I got out the shower. She asked how long I would be and I said about half an hour. She said they couldn't wait that long and went without me. I am pissed off about the whole thing. I feel like complete shit, so didn't even want to go, but knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn't, so was prepared to go. I am pissed off that she then told me she would wait for me to get ready, so I bothered to get out of bed and in the shower, and then she changed her mind and went off without me. I may as well have stayed asleep. I am pissed off because the stupid party wasn't even supposed to start for another half hour, and that is when other people will be arriving. I didn't want to go anyway, but I know that my sister will be really pissed off with me for not being there, and that she will now be in a bad mood with me for at least the next month, probably longer, and it isn't my bloody fault. Everything always seems to be my fault though.

So it is now 9:30, and I ended up going to the party after all. My ex next door neighbour was going, and to get to my sisters from where she is living now she has to more or less go past our house anyway, so my mum spoke to her and she said she would collect me on her way there, so she picked me up about half 3. I have to say that my heart sunk slightly when my mum called and said that, as despite knowing my sister would be pissed off with me for not going, I was really feeling quite relieved, and had got back into my PJs and was in bed and quite relieved that a) I wouldn't have to be around people, and b) I wouldn't have to be around food, so when I suddenly heard that I was going to be going after all and had 10 minutes to get ready I wasn't overjoyed, but knew I would get too much grief to make it worthwhile not going when I didn't even have a valid excuse, so I threw on some clothes and a bit of make up and off I went.

The party was pretty hideous. I really do not like being around people, and I just find children far too much. I definitely have nothing even remotely maternal about me. Even children I like, I only like for very short lengths of time before I find them irritating. I do not want children. At all. They are so loud and just too much - everything about them is just too much. Little nephew, whose party it was is fine - he has recently started walking on his own and so is just quite sweet toddling about and grinning at people, but older nephew is loud, and then my niece (brother's daughter) was also there - she is 6, and then there was another 5 year old who is older nephew's friend, and is a complete brat - I always inwardly groan when I see him. And then ex next door neighbour's 20 month old girl was there, but she was pretty ok too. And then having to sit around and make small talk with my sister's in laws was dull and crap, and I got the usual 'So what are you doing now?' questions that I loathe answering. Luckily, since I have had a fair bit of perfoming things on lately - the Shakespeare in July, and now Carousel, and then the concert in December, I can make myself sound fairly busy and not such a loser as I usually sound when I say 'Oh, nothing much really...'. Then there was lots of party type food, which I ate too much of, and so feel like shit. The first hour, even 2 hours, weren't too awful - the children were in the garden, so it was mostly just the small talk to contend with. Then it got louder and louder and more and more chaotic, and I ended up having to go off and sit in a room by myself and cry because I was just feeling so overwhelmed and stressed and tired, and wanting to be home. Some people were starting to leave by that time, but naturally not us. Older nephew ended up having the tantrum to end all tantrums - I have seriously never seen anything like it apart from on Supernanny. He is usually a sweet child - he is a bit loud and over the top, but that is just 5 year old boyness, but my goodness, he actually turned into the horror child from hell. I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing - it was just awful.

Anyway, we finally got home at about 8 and it was such a relief - I had a headache from the noise, I felt sick from the food, and I was just feeling so low. I don't have to go anywhere over the weekend, which is such a relief. I have actually been feeling so low and suicidal that I even briefly considered calling the CMHT earlier, but I fairly quickly decided against it, because there is absolutely nothing they could do, and I didn't want to risk being told to go to A&E. I figure I will either cope or I won't, and speaking to someone I don't really know or trust isn't going to change that - I will still either cope or I won't. It is hard, because when I feel this low I always have fairly ambivalent feelings about help - I want it because I need something to make me feel less awful, but I don't want it because I just want to die, and don't want to risk anyone interfering with that, but it is harder at the moment because the only person I trust to talk to honestly about how I am feeling, and who actually does help me isn't there, so that kind of just leaves the suicidal thoughts to get stronger and stronger. I hate this.

Crap day

Today has been difficult. I knew it would be. I slept badly yet again last night, so have been very tired again. Even when I haven't had much sleep though, I still can't sleep any better the next night - I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. Today started badly. For a start my alarm went off and I had that weird thing when it just completely shocks you and you have no idea where you are or what that noise is, and then when I realised it was my alarm I had no idea why I had set it and nearly turned it off. I then realised it was going off because I was going out for lunch with T, and my heart sunk. I did not want to have to go out and have to be sociable and pretend to be fine and happy and I did not want to eat out, particularly at lunch time, when I generally don't like eating until the evening. It then got even worse when I went to weigh myself and had gained yet again. I haven't been this heavy since I was on holiday, pre stomach bug. I feel like a complete bloody failure - I have gained nearly 3lbs in the last week or so. This often happens - as my mood gets lower I lose the motivation to focus on my weight the way I do normally, and I just end up comfort eating. It is ridiculous, as comfort eating does not help me, and it does not make me feel better - I just feel guilty for being such a greedy pig. And then obviously my weight goes up the next day and I feel even worse about myself and even more depressed, and end up comfort eating yet again. So anyway, I was in about the worst place I could be emotionally for going out for a meal, and I had only been awake for 15 minutes.

We went to a local pub that does good food. T had a main meal and I had a baguette. We both had desserts. I felt hideous eating the whole thing. I felt greedy and disgusting, and was worried about gaining again tomorrow. Naturally I purged - I just can't seem to help myself when I eat out. I rarely purge when I am at home nowadays, but when I am out I just have to do it. I then had the bloody disaster of the toilet refusing to flush. Not because of my purging - it just didn't have any water coming into it when I flushed the handle. So that was fun. In the end I had to just put the toilet seat down and leave....

Tomorrow is yet another fun packed day. It was baby nephew's 1st birthday today (what is it with this week and birthdays - my dad, T and baby nephew within 2 days!), so tomorrow we have to go to my sister's for his little birthday party thing. Which will involve food and cake no doubt.

I had a letter from the CMHT today, so that was fun. It said;

'Dear Bippidee,
As you may know L has been off work for a few weeks. I am expecting her back week commencing 27th September and so would like to offer you an appointment at the CMHT for Tuesday 28th at 11am. If this date is not convenient, or of course if you would like to speak to a member of the team in the interim, please contact the office and we can make the necessary arrangements.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager'

So that was lovely to finally receive some communication from them. I particularly liked 'as you may know L has been off work for a few weeks'. Really?? You know I hadn't noticed. Since you told me she would be back the next day I just assumed she had been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks. But anyway, hopefully I have an appointment with her in nearly 2 weeks. Unless she is off for longer of course. And assuming I can get through the next 2 weeks, which feels fairly unlikely at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are very strong. I do not want to be here. At all. I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going.

Difficult patch

I am really struggling. I suppose being so exhausted all day hasn't helped, but I am just feeling so low anyway. I spent most of the afternoon feeling too tired and shit to move, and then in the end decided I really had to start getting ready to go off to the photo call as it was getting late. That was alright I suppose. I got dumped in an awful skirt and blouse that were both about 4 sizes too big (no exaggeration) that had to be pinned liberally for the publicity pictures, but they looked alright from the front once pinned I guess. Then just had to have my headshot done (back in normal clothes) which only took a minute.

After that I was going out for a meal with my parents for my Dad's birthday. I didn't actually want to eat out. My weight has been going up anyway lately - slowly, but it is still moving in the wrong direction - and so eating out felt quite scary, plus of course it is very difficult to sit and make conversation and pretend everything is fine when you are feeling like complete shit and sitting there contemplating suicide. But I didn't like to say I didn't want to go since it was his birthday, so off we went to Pizza Express. I ate a pizza and then shared a dessert with my Mum. I naturally felt like complete shit after that and did purge. To be honest it ended up being a pretty half assed job, as my mum came into the toilets only a few minutes after I had gone in, so I hadn't had time to do much, but I didn't want to risk carrying on with somebody in there (I didn't actually know it was her at the time - just that someone had come in). I also felt really low and crap all night and just wanted to get home and be by myself.

I am really finding everything so difficult. It has definitely got to the point where I don't know if I can keep going. I am feeling so desperate and terrible, and I don't know how to make things feel easier. I also don't see the point. Even in my 'good' patches, I still feel crap. I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't really enjoy anything. And then the bad patches come along, and I just can't deal with them. And if I want to die even when I am doing better, then really I don't see the point in fighting it. If I were to kill myself it wouldn't be some impulsive thing because I was having a bad day. I don't remember the last time a day went by without me thinking that I wanted to die. And that is really fucking exhausting. In some ways I am coping, even at the moment when I am feeling so bad. I am going to rehearsals. I went to ballet on Monday. Therefore I am functioning. So I must be fine. But in some ways I am not coping. I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I have no concentration, so I can't read or learn lines or do anything else constructive. My sleep is terrible. My eating is not great. I have no motivation. I only get dressed when it is absolutely essential because I have to leave the house, ie when I have rehearsal. The same goes for showering. I spend the rest of the time in my bed. A lot of it just staring into space, because I don't have the concentration or motivation to do anything else. I hate being around people, so avoid whenever possible. So am I functioning? I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. Ultimately it doesn't really make any difference. I am not going to think 'well I went to rehearsal last night, so things must be ok, therefore I won't kill myself today', and neither would I think 'I missed a rehearsal, therefore I can't cope with life and need to kill myself'. I don't know if I will kill myself or not. There is absolutely no question in my mind that death is what I want, but I don't want to upset people, and unfortunately that is an inevitable consequence. Even if I know that they would be better off without me, they wouldn't see that, and I know that. It is definitely difficult not having anyone to talk to with L away. It makes me feel very isolated. Which I am actually, and to a large degree it is self enforced, but that is because I find it too difficult to put on a happy mask for extended periods of time, which is what I have to do when I am around people. L is the only person that I ever feel I can be completely honest with about how I am feeling, and without her I think I am just closing off from the world even more than I do normally when I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can get through this period. I don't know if I have the energy to. I don't even know if I want to.

It is 1am, and I am exhausted again. I want to sleep, but I am terrified of having another night like last night when I sleep for an hour or so and then spend hours and hours trying to sleep and getting increasingly stressed because I can't. I really just can't cope with things any more. It all feels too much. I can't do it.

Imagine a title...

Have had an ok day. I am really exhausted. Not sleepy as such, just completely drained. I really don't like being busy. I don't find it distracts me and makes me feel better like people always say doing things should - I find it wears me out and makes me irritable. I had my singing lesson earlier, which was the first one I have had for about 10 months, and that one was just a one off (and absolutely horrific and made me think I would never be able to sing again), so it is about 18 months since I have had regular lessons. My lesson today was ok. I can't see my old teacher, because she moved away, but I had a lesson with someone I have only had one lesson with before but have known for many years, and she is very good. I was quite worried about it before, partly because my voice has been hurting the last few days - I think just from using it so much with The Tempest, and partly because of the one off horrific lesson I had last year, when my voice was literally cracking every note I sung, and I just left feeling completely demoralised and shit about myself, and thinking I was useless and would never be able to sing again. So I was a bit tense, but it was ok.

There were a few things that she was able to point out straight away - mainly tension related, which made an improvement, but overall I didn't sound as bad as I was expecting to. I needed to record a song that I could email off for an audition, so I did that, and it was ok, although having listened to it back since I got home I think I should have made one more recording as there are a couple of bits I am not happy with, but never mind. The song I was using was an uptempo character song, which is what I am most comfortable with, because when I am doing a character song like that it is different to singing as myself, so I am more relaxed, and she commented afterwards how different my voice was doing that, in terms of placement and clarity and everything. After that I sung through a ballad, which was rangier, and that did sound pretty shit. Despite that sounding crap, I wasn't feeling too negative about the lesson though. What has really struck me though, and what she also pointed out, is that the vast majority of the vocal problems I have been having are confidence/mental health/life related, rather than technique related. I would have preferred it to be the other way around, as it would have been far simpler to correct bad technique than it is to sort out my life and get confidence, but I suppose even if I can just get confidence back in terms of singing then that will have an enormous impact on my voice. I tried singing the ballad that I had sung with her when I got home, and it sounded so much better, which does just confirm how much of my vocal problems are down to tension, and lack of confidence leading to swallowing the sound, and bad placement etc, but at least I know that if I can do it in my bedroom then I can do it, so hopefully next time it will be better. I have booked another lesson for next week, and hopefully I will be a bit more relaxed then now I have had a lesson that wasn't a complete disaster.

Had my appointment with the voice therapist after that - that was fine. She seemed fairly pleased with how I was getting on. I am trying really hard to energise my voice more when I am talking, as that is one of the main things she has told me to do, but it is quite tiring. But there definitely seems to be an energy issue, as in my singing lesson I was told I needed to energise my body far more. I don't have another appointment booked with the voice therapist - she is going to give me a call in about a month to see how I am getting on, and to see if I feel like I need to go back in, and I can email her if I am having problems etc, but I suppose that since there is nothing physiologically wrong for her to help me correct, there is a limit to what she can do.

It is nice having my friend here, I am really liking seeing her, but in some ways it is quite stressful too. I am worried about her because of how little she eats - she really has next to nothing, and so obviously that is concerning, but at the same time I am really quite jealous of the amount of will power she must have to eat so little. I wish I could do that. But I wouldn't want to be thin like she is, she just looks so ill. It is BMIs in the 16s/17s that I am really jealous of, so if she was that kind of size I would probably find it more triggering, as I would be jealous of her body as well as her self control. I feel guilty for being jealous of anything when she is so ill, but I can't help it - I would just love to have that much control over what I ate.

The thing about having her here that I am probably finding most difficult is that I am feeling obliged to eat more than I have been lately, partly because I have only been eating once a day really, and that doesn't set a very good example, and partly because I feel like if I am eating then maybe she will be more likely to eat - she certainly wouldn't eat anything at all if I wasn't eating. But as usual, I am finding it impossible to find the right balance, as I seem to only be able to restrict, or to eat whatever I fancy, and I am pretty much eating whatever I fancy as I can't restrict, and so I have already gained 1lb. So I am feeling pretty shit about that, particularly because I know that now I have got back into eating more again, I will find it harder to cut down again - the longer I restrict for the easier it becomes, and I guess I had been doing it for about 10 days, so I was starting to get quite comfortable on just eating 1 meal in the evening and not much else, and now I am eating more I have undone all the good I had done in doing that, and will have gained all the weight back and will have to start all over again. Thinking about it is actually making me cry - I am so, so desperate to lose weight, and it just feels like one step forwards two steps back. It's a bit like playing Snakes and Ladders really - you climb up a ladder and think you are doing well, and then suddenly you go sliding down a snake and find you are worse off than you were before you went up the ladder.

I have a performance of The Tempest tomorrow night - the rearranged performance from the rained off one on Tuesday. It is also my sister's birthday, so we are apparently going for a picnic. It is selfish, but I feel kind of jealous that my sister is getting to do what she wants on her birthday, with the people she wants, when I had to spend mine at a funeral. My mum was supposed to be doing something tomorrow, but she cancelled it so that she could spend the day with my sister, and although I know it is nobody's fault that I had such a shit birthday, it just feels unfair.

I need to try and sleep now, because my friend went to sleep over 4 hours ago, and my mum will wake me up in the morning when she wakes up, which is likely to be significantly earlier than I would like to wake up given that I am still awake, and not very sleepy as I am feeling quite tense.

Happy Birthday to me :P

Well I can safely say that was the worst birthday I have ever had. I never enjoy birthdays, but that was incredibly hard. We had to leave at 8am, so I was absolutely exhausted as that meant getting up at 7, and I don't usually get to sleep until 2 or 3 hours before that. The funeral itself was fine I suppose, or as much as funerals ever can be. Obviously it was upsetting, because funerals always are. It was also really difficult, because throughout the day people were saying how much of a shock his death had been because he seemed to be doing alright, and was physically fairly healthy, or as much as he ever was. I couldn't stop thinking that it was my fault, and that the reason it was so unexpected was because he shouldn't have died, and wouldn't have if it hadn't been for me. So that was really difficult having that constantly rolling through my head. And funerals always make me think about my own funeral too, and really ramp up the suicidal thoughts. When we came out from the funeral I wandered off by myself for a while whilst everyone was talking, I just needed to be by myself. So that was all hard, but pretty much what I had expected.

Then we went back to the bungalow. I said I was staying in the car. My parents tried to persuade me to go in, but I really didn't want to, so I stayed in the car and lay down on the back seat, as I figured I may as well try and get some sleep in. I vaguely wondered if I would die if I stayed in the car long enough, as it was so hot, but decided I probably wouldn't, or it would be a pretty common suicide method. After about half an hour (I think) one of my cousins came out and asked if I was going to come in, and I said that I didn't  want to, and she said that lots of people were sitting out in the garden so I could do that, so I said I didn't want to then, but maybe would later so that she would leave me alone (I am a bitch, yes). A while after that my mum came back out and made me go back with her, although I still didn't want to. It wasn't too bad I suppose. I sat and talked to people, but I felt really uncomfortable and I just wanted to get home. There was also loads and loads of food there, and I ate a lot more than I felt comfortable with. I really wanted to purge, but that obviously wasn't an option, so I just had to sit there feeling horrible about it. My mum had said in the end yesterday that we would stay a couple of hours and then go. Seemingly a couple in her language means over five. I was quite upset by that, because she knew I hadn't wanted to go there, she knew I hadn't wanted to stay, she had told me we would stay a couple of hours and then go, and we ended up not leaving until about 5:45, which just made me feel like what I wanted and felt was being completely ignored.

We got home about 8 and I felt like complete shit - I think a combination of funerals always being upsetting, feeling personally responsible for this one, always disliking birthdays, having such a shit birthday, feeling let down by my parents over how long we would stay afterwards, being tired, feeling crap about what I had eaten, usual low mood, and suicidal thoughts. I came straight upstairs to my room. My mum asked if I wanted to go downstairs and open my cards and presents (she seized the opportunity to go into town for an hour when I had a voice therapy appointment the other day, but said there is nothing very interesting!), but I said that I didn't want to - I had had a crap day and would rather leave it until tomorrow. My parents then both said that my day hadn't been that bad, and that I had quite enjoyed myself some of the time. That made me really bloody angry. For a start, I hate it when people assume they know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. I have spent the entire day feeling like shit and wanting to cry - I am still feeling like that now and we have been home for 5 hours. And it also pissed me off because I hate the way they assume that if I am smiling or chatting or something then that means I am happy. They know damn well that I often hide how I am feeling, and they knew that I had said all along that I didn't want to go back to the house after, that I was very uncomfortable with it, that I didn't want to stay long, etc, and so them saying that I had enjoyed myself made me so angry. Particularly from my mum, who always claims she can tell how I am feeling even if I am trying to hide it - I always say that she has no idea, which is shown time and time again, and I think today has proved that yet again. I have a sum total of 3 cards - how popular am I?! I could tell by the writing on the envelopes when they arrived who they were from - one is from my friend A, another is from one of my brothers, and then the third is from my parents. Considering I have 2 other siblings, other friends that I send cards to, and saw a lot of family today I think that is a particularly low number. It isn't about the number of cards really. Well in a way it is, because cards show that people are thinking of you enough to send a card, and that they care. It sounds stupid and like a big overreaction, but it makes me think how few people would actually miss me if I wasn't here. I am being self absorbed and whiny, so I will go to bed now I think. I am exhausted - I think mostly emotionally.

Tomorrow

I am ridiculously stressed about tomorrow. It is just too much. Every time I think about it I get so anxious and upset. My parents aren't being very helpful. Well my mum really, I haven't talked about it much to my dad because he is busy trying to write a eulogy. But my mum knows how stressed and upset I am about going back to the bungalow after the funeral, and I have asked how long they are planning to stay there (I have said that I am not going in and that I will sit in the car and wait - I can't deal with going inside) and she said she didn't know. I asked for a vague approximation. She said she didn't know, and that we couldn't rush off. I need to know how long it is going to be for. If I know how long it is then I can sort it out in my head and plan accordingly. I hate uncertainty. She just said not to forget to take Diazepam with me.

I keep crying. I don't want my birthday. I don't want to go to a funeral. I don't want to spend 5+ hours in the car going to and from the funeral. I don't want to be here. I wish more than ever that I had killed myself a few weeks ago. I came so close to it, and I wish so much that I had done it. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and panicked and horrible. I would do anything to just be able to disappear right now and not be here.

Cancelled

I was supposed to be seeing L this afternoon, but the receptionist just rung and cancelled. Said she had to see an emergency appointment or something. I did know she was on duty today, but she hadn't said she might have to cancel because of it, and I am feeling a bit shit about it all to be honest. It was 9:30 when the receptionist called, and I wasn't due to see her until 3, so unless it is the type of emergency that is going to literally take all day and therefore all her appointments are being cancelled, then I feel like I must have been seen as the least important person, and therefore she could see the emergency appointment instead of me. After finding last week's appointment quite difficult, now that today's appointment has been cancelled I am feeling quite crap about the whole thing. I can't cope with appointments being cancelled, I get too upset by it. They rearranged my appointment with her for next Tuesday, and that feels like a bloody long time away at the moment, especially since I have this whole birthday/funeral stuff to get through first. And I think that upsets me even more, because she knows I have that on Friday and am feeling really bad about it all, and she still isn't able to see me. Typical Borderline response, but I do feel rejected. Like I have said other times she has had to cancel, I know these things happen sometimes, and are unavoidable, but today it just feels like a rejection. For some reason I just don't feel as supported by her lately as I used to. I am considering discharging myself. That sounds a bit drastic in the circumstances, but it isn't just because she cancelled today, I was thinking about it after my appointment last week. I feel unable to do the things she wants me to do at the moment (primarily this goal setting stuff - I just can't think of anything at all, but apparently it needs to come from me), and so I feel like I am wasting her time. At the moment I want to die more than I want things to change, probably partly because it is a lot easier to imagine dying than it is to imagine things changing - it feels like far more of a possibility. And so again, it feels like I am wasting her time. And then when appointments are cancelled, like today, I just can't deal with it. It makes me feel worse than if I hadn't had an appointment booked in the first place. So I suppose I am wondering whether I want to carry on with it or not. Whether what I gain from seeing her outweighs the times when I feel useless for not being able to do what I am supposed to be doing, and when I feel rejected because appointments are cancelled etc. At the moment I don't know. This would have been unthinkable a few months ago, and I am not quite sure what has changed, but something has. I am not feeling very able to cope right now, I think I will try and go back to sleep.

Feeling crap

I am feeling really shit today. I don't know why really. I suppose just all the birthday/funeral stuff getting on top of me. The day started off badly because I seemed to have lots of nightmares, so I woke up quite wound up and upset, and with a headache. Then I just felt really shit all day. I kept thinking about whether it would realistically make much difference to other people whether I killed myself before Friday or after. I can't decide - on one hand I think that if I am going to kill myself it won't make any difference to other people when I do it. But on the other hand, my dad already has his dad's funeral this week - if I killed myself before that it might make it even more difficult for him. I'm not sure. Anyway, then tonight I completely freaked out about the funeral and got really upset. Not about the funeral itself, but afterwards. When my mum talked to my aunt the other day they had been talking about hiring a room in a pub or something for people to go to afterwards. When my dad spoke to my aunt tonight, the arrangements had been made, and they have got caterers taking food to my granddad's bungalow for afterwards. I know it is stupid, but that just totally freaked me out. I don't want to go to an empty house, where my granddad died, where nobody lives now. It feels weird and wrong and I don't like it. If he hadn't died there it would be slightly different, and if someone else still lived there, like when one person of a couple dies but the other is still alive, that would be slightly different. But I really do not want to go to an empty dead house. It freaks me out, and I don't care if it is stupid, I do not want to do it. As soon as my dad said about it I got really really upset and was crying a lot, and then he was laughing at me and saying I was being silly and what difference did it make etc etc, and I was getting more and more upset. My mum said she didn't think it was actually a very suitable place to have it because there isn't even a dining table to put the food on, and my dad joked that they could set all the food out on the bed, and I just got totally hysterical. I don't know what to do now. I know really it makes no difference that nobody lives there and that he died there, but I just don't want to go there. I am not even sure if I can cope with going to the funeral now if it involves going back there after.

Bit hyper

Hmph. I have way more energy than is appropriate for 1AM. Not sure what to do with myself. I have to be quiet because my parents are in bed but I don't feel like being quiet. My mum has only just gone to bed. She told me off for being too noisy when my dad was in bed though. I was doing high kicks in her bedroom and then doing backstroke on her bed. Very quietly, but too noisily apparently. I got her to do a wheelbarrow race with me earlier. Well not a race because there was only 2 of us. Just a wheelbarrow walk really. We didn't get far though. When I was the wheelbarrow we went slowly across the lounge but we did move, until I collapsed from laughing. She said we wouldn't win any races, so I said she could have a go, and she couldn't move at all, so that was even funnier. Therefore I won. My dad got back from Glastonbury very early this morning. Well, still last night to me because I hadn't been to sleep yet. He bought a mouth organ when he was there. Very random. I had a go on it earlier. Mouth organs are good because even if you have never played one before you sound like you know what you are doing. I walked the dog with my mum this evening. Not very far - she takes him for his long walk in the morning and a shorter one in the evening. One of the cats came with us for the first 10 minutes, which was quite random. He just trotted along over the fields with us. Strange cat. Watched Murray's Wimbledon match earlier. Am hoping he does well, particularly after the fiasco that was the football. That was so shit I don't even want to think about it. Let's focus on the tennis instead. I wish it wasn't the middle of the night. I want to shout or something. I am a bit hyper this evening. Don't know why. Have felt like complete shit all day. Still do. I didn't go to ballet earlier. I couldn't be bothered. Might self harm. I don't like the combination of feeling shit and hyper at the same time because I never know what to do with myself. I would like to overdose really. Feels like a good idea at the moment. Feels like a good idea most of the time actually, but it is particularly appealing right now. But I can't before the funeral really. It wouldn't be fair on my parents. Although on the other hand maybe it wouldn't make any difference to them when I did it. At least I wouldn't have to be here for my birthday then. That would be good. Ho hum. I might go and make some cupcakes. I wonder if that would be too noisy. Probably. And I would only eat them and then feel shit about myself and gain weight. I feel like screaming. But that would definitely be too noisy.

More birthday/funeral talk

I am feeling really crap. I think it is all this birthday/funeral stuff getting to me. My birthday is going to be a total wash out. Not that we ever make a massive deal about birthdays in my family - I haven't had a party for about 15 years, and I never go out clubbing or anything like that because I don't like it. Often I go out for a meal with family or friends, or we have sometimes had BBQs when it has been good weather, and a couple of times I have been to London to see shows, but we never do anything massive, which is fine. But this year the funeral is on my birthday, and we are going to have to leave the house before 8am to get there, as it is quite a long way away. Then obviously there is the funeral, and then wherever we go after the funeral, and then coming home after, so we will be out at the funeral all day. My mum suggested we pretend my birthday is the following day, and then remembered she has a work do that day for a member of staff who is leaving. My parents haven't bought me any presents yet either, so I am not holding my breath there either, since my mum is at work all week apart from Friday, when we are at the funeral. That is partly my own fault because I can't really think of anything I want. It is really difficult to think of anything when I don't seem to be able to do anything, plus of course I always intend to be dead sometime soon. I don't have the concentration or motivation for anything much, so I can't get enthusiastic about books or DVDs or CDs or anything like that. My mum often buys me clothes, but that is a total no go at the moment because I hate my body so much, and I am so determined to lose weight, that I absolutely refuse to buy clothes to fit me at this size, because that would be like accepting how big I am, and that is not going to happen. I have asked for an English Bull Terrier puppy, but that was refused, as was a puppy of any other type, a grey kitten and a house pig. So yes, I haven't exactly been helpful on the present ideas front. But then my mum is notoriously disorganised anyway, and didn't even seem to think about presents until this weekend (when she was busy all weekend anyway) and suddenly asked if my Amazon wishlist was up to date. I am not too bothered. There is nothing I particularly want anyway, and there have been other years where my mum has been too disorganised to get me any presents for my birthday and has given them to me late or something, so it isn't like it would be a first.

I sound really materialistic talking about presents, and I'm actually not. It isn't about presents. I just feel shit and I don't want my birthday to happen because I can't deal with it. But pretending it isn't happening and ignoring it is not going to help, because I will still know it is my birthday, and I will still feel shit about it. It is so linked with dying and suicide in my mind, because that is always the first thing I think of when I think of my birthday, because I don't want to let another year start. And I am really, really struggling a lot with the concept of being at a funeral on that day. It is going to make me think about death even more, and it just really feels so difficult. Every time I think about it I want to cry. It just feels too much. And I can't even explain to anyone how I feel about it all and how much it is upsetting me, partly because it would be selfish because my parents are obviously upset about my granddad dying, and partly because it would mean talking about the suicidal thoughts, and that would be too hard and just upset them. I know that since I don't like birthdays anyway it shouldn't matter in theory, but it will still be my birthday even if I pretend it isn't, and there will still be all those associations in my head. I am getting so tense and anxious when I think about it, my heart keeps going funny like a mini panic attack. I am scared of having a complete breakdown on Friday in front of everyone. I just can't do it, but I have to.

Then of course there is the funeral itself. Funerals are always difficult, for everyone. Obviously it is difficult seeing people upset. They also always make me think a lot about suicide and my own funeral, and those thoughts will be amplified due to my birthday. I will also be seeing lots of family I haven't seen for quite a while, and I am so completely repulsed by my body at the moment that I am dreading that. I have two cousins who will be there who are both really thin, and I will feel like a bloody whale next to them.

It seems like everything is wrong at the moment. I need something to go my way and be right, because I can't cope like this.

Birthday and funeral

This time of year is always really difficult. Every year I struggle a lot. This time last year I was having a lot of strong suicidal thoughts and being sent off to A&E etc. A couple of other years I have been under the Crisis Team at this time of year. And the first time I tried to kill myself was this time of year. I think that the main thing that upsets me is my birthday. That is July 2nd, so soon. I find birthdays really difficult. I don't want to celebrate being born because I don't want to be alive. And every approaching birthday reminds me of everything I have failed to achieve that year, and how useless I am, and makes me really desperate to not let another year start, and so I just get really overwhelming thoughts that I need to kill myself before my birthday can happen, so another year can't start. Those thoughts are rampant at the moment, but I really don't think I am going to be able to act on them, and I am feeling horrible about it.

My dad went off to Glastonbury early this morning. This is hard, because it makes me continually think it would be even easier to overdose, because there is only one other person in the house. The first time I attempted suicide my dad was away at Glastonbury. But I would feel too guilty to do that again. I don't want to ruin it for him. Then my granddads funeral has been arranged for next Friday. I feel like it would be really unfair on my family to kill myself in the days leading up to my granddads funeral. But I really, really didn't want to be here by my birthday. Which leaves everything a bit of a mess really. The funeral is on my birthday. Nice bit of planning there. That is going to make everything even harder. As I said, my birthday always makes me think a lot about dying anyway. Being at a funeral on my birthday is going to make that even more intense. Especially a funeral that I feel is my fault. I am really feeling quite upset about it all. I feel like if I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when I planned to then everything would be right now. I wouldn't be having a birthday, and my family wouldn't be going to my granddad's funeral on my birthday. I don't know what to do. I really feel like the birthday and funeral combination is just more than I can deal with.