This time of year is always really difficult. Every year I struggle a lot. This time last year I was having a lot of strong suicidal thoughts and being sent off to A&E etc. A couple of other years I have been under the Crisis Team at this time of year. And the first time I tried to kill myself was this time of year. I think that the main thing that upsets me is my birthday. That is July 2nd, so soon. I find birthdays really difficult. I don't want to celebrate being born because I don't want to be alive. And every approaching birthday reminds me of everything I have failed to achieve that year, and how useless I am, and makes me really desperate to not let another year start, and so I just get really overwhelming thoughts that I need to kill myself before my birthday can happen, so another year can't start. Those thoughts are rampant at the moment, but I really don't think I am going to be able to act on them, and I am feeling horrible about it.
My dad went off to Glastonbury early this morning. This is hard, because it makes me continually think it would be even easier to overdose, because there is only one other person in the house. The first time I attempted suicide my dad was away at Glastonbury. But I would feel too guilty to do that again. I don't want to ruin it for him. Then my granddads funeral has been arranged for next Friday. I feel like it would be really unfair on my family to kill myself in the days leading up to my granddads funeral. But I really, really didn't want to be here by my birthday. Which leaves everything a bit of a mess really. The funeral is on my birthday. Nice bit of planning there. That is going to make everything even harder. As I said, my birthday always makes me think a lot about dying anyway. Being at a funeral on my birthday is going to make that even more intense. Especially a funeral that I feel is my fault. I am really feeling quite upset about it all. I feel like if I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when I planned to then everything would be right now. I wouldn't be having a birthday, and my family wouldn't be going to my granddad's funeral on my birthday. I don't know what to do. I really feel like the birthday and funeral combination is just more than I can deal with.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago