I had a bit of a melt down earlier. About food, but it was about everything really. It was just food that set it off. I was going to have a chicken breast portion for dinner with some salad, but they were all frozen so I couldn't (we don't have a microwave, so when I want chicken it has to be taken out of the freezer earlier in the day to thaw - very inconvenient). So then I was going to have pizza. I kind of have issues with pizza. I always feel guilty about eating it, because it is entrenched in my head as a high calorie, shouldn't eat food. But in reality it isn't actually as high calorie as I think of it (I usually share one with my mum, and half a pizza generally has somewhere between 300 and 400kcals depending on the pizza, which is alright for dinner) and it feels safe in some ways because the packet says how many calories it is, so at least I know. But my mum was having something else tonight so I couldn't share one with her, but we did have a smaller one in the freezer, that is the size I would eat by myself sometimes. So I was going to have that. I had considered a bean burger in a roll, but even though that doesn't sound as much, just the bean burger is 300kcals, and then there is the roll, and I don't know how many calories exactly are in the roll, and I couldn't be doing with not knowing today. So I was having pizza. But then I suddenly completely freaked out about the number of calories in it and decided I hated pizza and couldn't possibly eat it, and burst into tears (just after my mum had put it in the oven). I could have coped with it if I hadn't eaten anything earlier in the day, but I had already had about 400kcals of food today, and the thought of a pizza on top of that just totally freaked me out. So I stood there sobbing and saying I couldn't have it, and my mum got a bit angry. She gets very angry about my eating. She gets angry when she gets home from work and I haven't eaten all day, but at least if I haven't eaten all day then I can cope with having a meal in the evening without freaking out. But because I had already eaten today I just couldn't do it. So she was angry, and shouting at me about my 'atrocious diet' and how unsustainable it is, and what hard work I am, and how I need to see a Dietician, and all of the other things that she always tells me. But I was getting more and more hysterical so she stopped shouting and asked what the matter was, but I couldn't say. I don't know what the matter is. I just know I feel completely and utterly shit, and tiny insignificant things feel like enormous, insurmountable problems and I just can't cope.
In the end I had some lettuce and cucumber, and a little bit of grated cheese, and a slice of bread for dinner. I don't know how many calories the cheese was because I didn't weigh it, so I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but it felt better than the scary pizza. I will save that for another day when I am feeling less fragile. The stupid thing is that in the evenings, after I have eaten, I eat loads of snacky things. Mostly sweet things - today I had some ice cream, 2 gingernut biscuits, 4 squares of chocolate, 3 toffees, and 3 sweets. I can't say I don't think about the calories in those things, because I absolutely do, and if I have the house to myself then I always purge after anything like that, but I can have a complete melt down over the calories in a pizza, which was maybe 200 or 300 more caloires than I had for dinner, and then eat more calories than that in crap in the evenings. And then I get upset because I gain weight. As I have said before, I am very bad at losing weight. The only way I can do it is by restricting quite severely - once I start eating I can't stop, so I just have to not start. But I can't do that at the moment because I am comfort eating. And then I feel even worse when I weigh myself. It is bloody ridiculous. I feel so messed up at the moment.
I have been thinking about what I wrote yesterday. Being alive doesn't feel like a good thing at all. Even if it is for other people. I hate myself for being alive and for not having killed myself before this. I keep hearing about people dying in accidents and being jealous. Lots of people seem to be dying at the moment, and it seems unfair that I am not one of them. I think it is evil of me to think like that. So many people want to live and they are dying, and I am jealous of them. That is horrible of me. I would say that I don't deserve to live because I am such a horrible person, but death would be such a relief that perhaps it is more that I don't deserve to die.
I have suicidal thoughts so much of the time. To me there is a difference in intensity of the thoughts, and the chances of me acting on them, but it is very difficult to express that and distinguish between them, because so often when I am experiencing them it feels like that is as bad as things could possibly get, and there is no way I could not try to kill myself, and yet most times I don't try to. Either through lack of opportunity (or what I consider a suitable day would be), or because of not wanting to hurt people - it is always one of those things that stops me when I don't act on them. I still don't know if I will act on them this time or not. I still want to enormously. There is no part of me that wants to be alive for myself. It just depends how long I am able to hold onto the thought of upsetting other people, and whether the thoughts have subsided at all by the time I next reach an impulsive patch, or decide I hate everyone. I want to die. And I do completely believe that it is inevitable that I will kill myself at some point - I have no doubt about that whatsoever. So why not now?
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago