Saturday, 12 June 2010

Long day!

It has been the longest day ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it has felt very long. I had an appointment with my GP at 9:20 this morning. That is far too early. I should not be out of bed at that time of day, let alone dressed. Anyway, that was ok. It is quite funny really, because she tries to be helpful, for example she asked if I had ever had CBT. I said yes, and that I think it is patronising wank to be honest. We discussed this for a little while. She then asked if there are any types of therapy apart from CBT. Now I know she is a GP and doesn't work in mental health, but really - do people honestly think that CBT is the only therapy that exists? Really?? That is slightly concerning really.

Then I had an appointment with the voice clinic people at the hospital, following on from my ENT appointment of a couple of weeks back. Today it was with an ENT Surgeon, and 2 Speech Therapists. They put these little pad things on my neck that were apparently microphones, and then pulled out my tongue and stuck this camera thing into my mouth and to the back of my throat. The Dr told me to concentrate on breathing deeply in and out through my mouth to try and stop me gagging, and then basically videoed my vocal cords whilst I had to make various noises. I started gagging after not too long, so he took it out, and then did it again, and I lasted longer before gagging that time. Gagging appears to be a normal reaction to that. It was called a Laryngoscopy It didn't hurt - I preferred it to the camera down the nose thing. It just made me gag. But then when it had finished I got to watch a video of my vocal cords when I speak/sing which was quite cool really. Apparently it all looks healthy, and the speech therapist was confident that she would be able to sort it all out with speech therapy etc, so I am back on the waiting list for that.

Spent the afternoon in a pretty shitty mood. I was tired, as I hadn't had nearly enough sleep, and I was grumpy and snappy. Ended up purging a couple of times. I had the drama festival tonight - the play that I was in a few weeks ago was entered. It was a 1 Act Play Festival, held over a few nights, and tonight was the last night. I really didn't want to go. I was absolutely not in the mood, I couldn't be bothered with it, I hadn't touched my script since I last performed it, and I was desperately trying to think of excuses to get me out of it, but there basically weren't any, as if I hadn't gone they would have had to pull the play.

It actually went ok. I think it was probably the best we have performed it, or it seemed it to me anyway. We (the cast) did know that although we weren't keen on the play, it might go down quite well at a drama festival, as adjudicators tend to like things that are a bit political and weird, and this certainly was. The other play that was on tonight was a bit crap I thought. They had a great set but the acting was just pretty weak, and I didn't like the actual play. The adjudicator was very complimentary about our play - he gave a few things he thought could have worked better etc, but a couple of those I had actually said about in rehearsals, so I agreed with what he said. The criticisms were pretty much all staging related, apart from him saying he would have liked the pace to be slightly faster generally, so that when we wanted to pull bits back there was more contrast, which was apparently a comment he gave about several plays. He was very complimentary about the play itself, which was nice for the guy who had written it (it was written by a local writer, and his wife directed it), and also about the acting. The guy who was playing the lead was told his diction wasn't always clear enough, and that he needed to find more variety in the part, which was fair enough (he wasn't actually who the part was intended for, but due to lots of clashes, none of the original choice men were available, and so this guy ended up playing it, and he is pretty inexperienced - he did well given how little he has done in the past, but I think it could have been much stronger with one of the guys who was originally up for the role), but the adjudicator didn't have anything negative to say about any of the rest of us (there were 5 in the cast in total), and said we were a very talented cast, so that was nice. Awards wise, a group who had performed earlier in the week pretty much swept the board - I didn't see them, but apparently they were brilliant, but we had a lot of nominations (there are 3 nominations for each award). Our Director was nominated for Best Director, and one of the women was up for Best Actress (although she had also been in another of the plays, and the nomination was actually for both parts rather than just this play), and I was nominated for Best Cameo. Then one of the guys won Best Actor, and overall we came 2nd, and the adjudicator has put forward the play itself (ie the script rather than the production) for a national competition for Best New Play. So overall it was pretty good really.

Afterwards several of the cast members were going on to a pub, and one of the guys offered to give me a lift home after if I wanted to go with them. I had already had a couple of drinks, and was slightly hyper, so I thought I would go, but then when I got there I got very stressed because it was too loud and I was anxious. I tried to ring my mum to ask her to pick me up, but I couldn't get through to her, so I had a Diazepam, and another drink, and after that I started to relax a bit. I had a couple more drinks too, and we all shared some packets of crisps, and I had some Maltesers, although I did then go to the toilets and purge, making it 3 times today, which isn't so good. But 5 Archers and a Diazepam seemed to do a pretty good job of relaxing me, and it was actually ok. I never go out, so it was quite good that I managed it, even if I did need alcohol and Diazepam to do so. My mind did wander a lot during the evening - I was having lots of suicidal planning type thoughts, and there must have been some dissociating going on, because there are definitely chunks of the evening I just can't remember, and it isn't down to the alcohol, because I don't feel drunk or anything. I can still type perfectly well, therefore I am not drunk.

I got home about quarter past 1, and I am very tired now so I am hoping I will be able to sleep well. It has been a very long day.


  1. i hope your weekend is relatively relaxed =) x

  2. Good Morning Best Cameo winner!
    I hope you head into the weekend less anxious. Be careful with whatever you are doing to cope and try to enjoy it.
    You are clearly a gifted actress. When the fog of depression begins to clear, you will have that to hold onto.
    I am glad you went out after the play last night. You needed some reinforcements but you did it. I think it's a step in the right direction.
    xx kris

  3. Well done for doing the play and for going out after too. That's quite a massive achievement given how you're feeling at the moment. I often need diazepam to get through evenings out, even just a quiet night in the pub with friends. I try not to see it as a failing, more it enables me to go and do what it is I want to do.