RIP

My granddad has died. Last night. His carers found him when they went in this morning. He had fallen over and hit his head when he was getting ready for bed - they don't know if he had a heart attack or a stroke or something, or just fell over yet. He was probably laying there dying when I was writing about being jealous of peoeple dying. I feel like it is my fault. I was supposed to die this week and I didn't, so someone from my family did instead. The same thing happened 18 months or so ago. I had been feeling suicidal, and tried to kill myself but just ended up on a drip for a few days, and then a few days later my nanny died. I was meant to die, and because I didn't someone else had to instead. I am evil. Not killing myself is making other people die instead. I know of 3 people who have died in the last week, ie in the time that I have been feeling very suicidal and yet not acted on it. Maybe all those people would still be alive if I had killed myself. I don't know what to do now. I need to kill myself before someone else dies, but I feel like I can't put my parents through that so close to my granddad dying. I have fucked everything up. I should have killed myself last weekend. I am such an awful person. I really don't know what to do. I have caused so much damage.