Thank you all so much for your lovely replies to my last post. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and good wishes etc. It means a lot that so many people cared enough to reply. But I don't know how to make all of you understand how is is my fault he died. I am not thinking magically. It is too coincidental that at two of the times in my life I have had some of the strongest suicidal thoughts, people have died. A grandparent in each case. In fact, I can think of another time, although not a family member. I hadn't thought about that. A girl I went to school with, her father committed suicide a few years ago now. I wasn't told until a bit later, as I was considered too ill to be told at the time, but it happened when I was in hospital because I had started trying to kill myself, but been caught and admitted to the psych ward. I didn't die, so someone else did instead. I must have killed so many people over the last few years. There are probably hundreds of people who died because of my suicidal thoughts. I wondered if the baby who was left in the car in America died because of me. Every time I intend to kill myself, someone else dies instead, and the stronger the intention is, the closer to me the person is that dies. What if next time it is one of my friends, or siblings, or one of my parents, or one of my nephews or niece?
I am very dangerous. I think that when I have strong suicidal thoughts, to the point of planning, or when I overdose, the universe is expecting me to die, and then when I don't, it has to take someone else instead. I think the universe likes balance. So I had full intentions of killing myself last weekend, and I didn't, so a man who lives in my village did instead. Then I had rearranged my plans for tuesday, didn't act on them, and so a man my dad knows died. And then I had rearranged my plans for friday. And my granddad died. I think the universe was getting pissed off with me by that point, and that was why they took someone closer to me. And when my nanny died, that was because I had tried to kill myself, so they were really expecting me, and then I didn't die, so they took her. I don't know what to do. I am scared of who they will take next. I can't help having suicidal thoughts. I can't stop them. But my suicidal thoughts are killing other, innocent people. I don't know what to do. I think I need to try and let as few thoughts as possible get to the planning stage, because it seems to be when it hits the planning stage that people die, so it mustn't get that far until I know I can go through with it and get it right. A failed attempt is far, far too dangerous - they took my Nanny last failed attempt, what if they look one of my little nephews? I could never, ever forgive myself. I need to die, and I need to get it right first time, and in the meantime I need to not let my suicidal thoughts turn into plans or more people will die. I need to get through this period until after the funeral without having any planning thoughts (killing myself before the funeral would be too heartless of me, as people won't understand I am doing it to save other people) and then die. Then everyone will be safe. I hope the funeral is soon, but I doubt it will be, because there will have to be an autopsy, and I suspect my Aunt who is currently living in the States will want to come over for the funeral. My birthday is on 2nd July, and I was really hoping not to be here by then, but I doubt that is going to happen now. But spending the next couple of weeks without suicidal thoughts is going to be incredibly difficult, as the weeks around my birthday are always the worst period of the year for me. I really hope I can not plan, because I really don't want anyone else to die because of me, but it is going to be so hard.
I wish I had spend more time with my Granddad when he was last here. I talked with him for a while when he first arrived, but after that I spent most of my time in my room and didn't see him much at all. I was struggling, and it was hard to socialise. But now I regret that. I'm sorry Granddad. I love you. I am sorry that you died because of me.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago