Wednesday, 30 June 2010
I was supposed to be seeing L this afternoon, but the receptionist just rung and cancelled. Said she had to see an emergency appointment or something. I did know she was on duty today, but she hadn't said she might have to cancel because of it, and I am feeling a bit shit about it all to be honest. It was 9:30 when the receptionist called, and I wasn't due to see her until 3, so unless it is the type of emergency that is going to literally take all day and therefore all her appointments are being cancelled, then I feel like I must have been seen as the least important person, and therefore she could see the emergency appointment instead of me. After finding last week's appointment quite difficult, now that today's appointment has been cancelled I am feeling quite crap about the whole thing. I can't cope with appointments being cancelled, I get too upset by it. They rearranged my appointment with her for next Tuesday, and that feels like a bloody long time away at the moment, especially since I have this whole birthday/funeral stuff to get through first. And I think that upsets me even more, because she knows I have that on Friday and am feeling really bad about it all, and she still isn't able to see me. Typical Borderline response, but I do feel rejected. Like I have said other times she has had to cancel, I know these things happen sometimes, and are unavoidable, but today it just feels like a rejection. For some reason I just don't feel as supported by her lately as I used to. I am considering discharging myself. That sounds a bit drastic in the circumstances, but it isn't just because she cancelled today, I was thinking about it after my appointment last week. I feel unable to do the things she wants me to do at the moment (primarily this goal setting stuff - I just can't think of anything at all, but apparently it needs to come from me), and so I feel like I am wasting her time. At the moment I want to die more than I want things to change, probably partly because it is a lot easier to imagine dying than it is to imagine things changing - it feels like far more of a possibility. And so again, it feels like I am wasting her time. And then when appointments are cancelled, like today, I just can't deal with it. It makes me feel worse than if I hadn't had an appointment booked in the first place. So I suppose I am wondering whether I want to carry on with it or not. Whether what I gain from seeing her outweighs the times when I feel useless for not being able to do what I am supposed to be doing, and when I feel rejected because appointments are cancelled etc. At the moment I don't know. This would have been unthinkable a few months ago, and I am not quite sure what has changed, but something has. I am not feeling very able to cope right now, I think I will try and go back to sleep.