I saw L earlier. It was ok. Not the best appointment I have ever had, but it was fine. I think I was probably quite hard work - she had to do a lot of the talking. She said I seemed very low, which I suppose I am. She asked me a few of the sort of questions I will be asked at the CPA review on Thursday, which I found hard - about whether going there helped or not, and how etc, and was talking about how we probably need to set some goals etc, because they are forced into being very goal orientated, and have to evidence everything and all that sort of NHS bullshit stuff. I know she dislikes all that as much as I do, but that's the way they have to work. I just find it totally impossible to think about the future and goals and that sort of thing when I am feeling very suicidal, because I don't intend there to be a future, and so then I just find it really difficult to even talk about it and everything feels very pointless because I just can't imagine it, so I just kind of sit there, and my head is whirling around and yet nothing quite makes sense.
This week is kind of bad timing for a CPA review given how I am feeling, as I am just not in the right frame of mind to think about setting goals, and I always find them stressful in case they turn around and say I am not getting better so they will discharge me or something. I know that isn't going to happen, but Dr E will ask all the questions about how is seeing L helping, and have things improved since I started seeing her etc, and I just don't know how to answer. Yes, it helps to see her, but I can't really say why - I just know I feel worse when I don't see her. But I am no better than I was when I started seeing her, which would imply that it isn't making any difference, so then I am scared that she will turn around and say it isn't helping and therefore there is no point me seeing her. But I can't lie and say I am doing better, because I'm not.
I will see L on Thursday at my review, and then she said she would see me for a little while afterwards, and then next week she is on leave. Which again, isn't great timing, but it is just one of those things. I always find it harder when she is away, because not only do I not get to see her, but I can't call and talk to her if I am struggling either. And given the suicidal thoughts I am having, that I can't act on this week, the weekend and next weekend was looking to be bad anyway, and not having her there will make it even harder. Part of me wasn't too bothered, because I thought if I was going to kill myself then it wouldn't make any difference to me whether she was there next week or not, although I was tempted to say that if I tried to kill myself next week it wasn't because she was on leave, it would have happened anyway. But I didn't say that because it sounds pretty stupid. But then the other part of me that is trying to get through this is quite worried about her being away when I am struggling so much anyway, and isn't really sure how to deal with it. I don't know. I am confused.
I am still struggling with everything. I have purged a couple of times today, and I am still obsessing over my weight, which frustratingly isn't going down. I am weighing myself quite a few times a day. Always when I wake up, and then often in the afternoon or evening, and then again in the middle of the night. And then each time I weigh myself I am doing it two or three times to check it is right. So I am probably getting on the scales 6 - 9 times a day. Which sounds a bit stupid really, but I understand my reasoning behind it. But I do need my weight to start going down again really soon, because it is frustrating me, and when my weight is going down I feel more able to cope with things generally. I feel in control of something, and something positive is happening, whereas if it stays the same or goes up then I just feel even more useless amd out of control.
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