I can't stop the suicidal thoughts. I just can't. And I am really worried that they are going to end up hurting someone else. I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I can't get hold or someone, or a friend doesn't reply to a text, or someone doesn't contact me when I am expecting to them, I panic that something has happened to them because of me. At the moment I just seem to be living in constant fear of someone else being hurt because of me - I am really scared about it. And not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts is really worrying me, because if I am still thinking them then someone else could end up getting hurt. So I am thinking I need to act on them, as soon as is practically possible, to avoid anyone else getting hurt. I am not sure when that will be yet - I am trying to avoid planning the day until as late as possible, so that if I can't do it then, hopefully nobody else will die instead. I am sure that people will understand if they know why I have done it. I feel so guilty. I keep thinking of all the people I have heard of dying in the past when I have been suicidal, and wondering how many of them were my fault.
I had a rehearsal for The Tempest tonight. I didn't want to go, I wasn't in the mood and I didn't enjoy it. It was bloody freezing. It is rehearsed outside, because the production is open air, and even when the weather has been nice, like today, being outside for 2 and a half hours in the evening is bloody cold. My hands were like blocks of ice within about 15 minutes. Crappy circulation.
I have an appointment with L tomorrow afternoon. She was on leave last week, so I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. It is at a slightly awkward time - I usually see her Tuesday morning, which is fine because my mum is off work then so can drop me off, but it is at half 3 tomorrow, so I am going to have to walk to the next village and then get the bus. I don’t like getting the bus. It makes me anxious. I didn't care when the appointment was made for, because 2 weeks ago when it was made I had no intention of still being alive, but since I am still here it is a little bit inconvenient. I have a feeling it is going to be one of those frustrating appointments where I don't really know what to say because I am feeling so shitty, and then end up leaving really frustrated with myself. I hope it isn't, but I just think it will be. I don't know how to describe or explain how I am feeling at the moment. Just overwhelmed and confused and guilty and hating myself. Everything just feels too much. It was bad enough when I thought the suicidal thoughts were just affecting me, but now that I know it is killing other people I just don't know how to deal with it.
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Maybe print these posts off to give L- to make sure they read them. I know its hard but you are not to blame for anyone's death. I don't want to invalidate your toughts and I know how logical and real it probably seems to you. I have had similar thoughts. But you can't be to blame. People will die if you continue to live. But they would and will continue to die long after your gone. (which hopefully will be in a long long time to come) Its how the world is.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you get through this and I am rooting for you. To get through and find something worth trying for (hypocritical I know) bu I really want this for you. Take Care.
x
Thank you. I have emailed L with what I have been writing about - as I have mentioned on here before, one of the reasons I started this blog was because she asked me to write down how I was feeling/what I was thinking etc between sessions, so she could see what was going on in the times between seeing her etc. Initially I literally wrote it all on paper and then gave it to her, but then decided I might want to read what I had written in the future and so started doing it online instead, and then emailing her Word documents of what I had been writing. Sometimes there are things I write that she sees that don't end up on here, and if I am talking about what has happened in an appointment or something on here then she doesn't see that, but the vast majority of what I write on here she sees. So she will know what has been going on when I see her tomorrow. x
ReplyDeleteI think you can explain some of how you feel - you write very clearly. I hope the appt with L does help and that you can express some of this horror x
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you share with her these thoughts and feelings. For me, suicidal thoughts have always been there. My therapist thinks, preverbal and probably infancy with no real cognition. They get loud and quiter, but always there. I've learned that I need a way to express my feelings such as writing. My therapist also recorded on a mini tape recorder some encouraging thoughts...it really helped in the moments when I just needed some grounding and reality especially when the thoughts started to race. My psychiatric also, added an antipsychotic for anxiety and to take the edge off of the thoughts and anxiety. It has been a life saver for me. Hang on...keep working and I promise it will get better.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
CC
Hi Bippidee. I'm glad to hear your have an appointment with L and that you allow her to read what you write here. It's so important that she knows how you feel.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just want to give you a virtual hug. I really care what happens to you.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Just want to echo what the others have said. I'm sliding back to this kind of headspace so I empathise, but like La-reve don't want anything to happen to you. I'm glad you're showing L this stuff. I know you think the appointment will probably be useless, but I'm glad you have it nevertheless. I hope, whether it's likely or not, that it does go well.
ReplyDeleteTake care as best you can.
P x
Hey Bip, I hope seeing L today was some kind of help. Thinking of you, pls take care hun,xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Bippidee,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you a lot while I took a break from the blogging world and looked at my life. UGH.
Back again. I hope the session with L was satisfying. At the very least, I hope that L had some words of wisdom after reading your blog - something that we in the blogging world who have been trying to support you through this crisis have missed.
xx kris