I can't stop the suicidal thoughts. I just can't. And I am really worried that they are going to end up hurting someone else. I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I can't get hold or someone, or a friend doesn't reply to a text, or someone doesn't contact me when I am expecting to them, I panic that something has happened to them because of me. At the moment I just seem to be living in constant fear of someone else being hurt because of me - I am really scared about it. And not being able to stop the suicidal thoughts is really worrying me, because if I am still thinking them then someone else could end up getting hurt. So I am thinking I need to act on them, as soon as is practically possible, to avoid anyone else getting hurt. I am not sure when that will be yet - I am trying to avoid planning the day until as late as possible, so that if I can't do it then, hopefully nobody else will die instead. I am sure that people will understand if they know why I have done it. I feel so guilty. I keep thinking of all the people I have heard of dying in the past when I have been suicidal, and wondering how many of them were my fault.
I had a rehearsal for The Tempest tonight. I didn't want to go, I wasn't in the mood and I didn't enjoy it. It was bloody freezing. It is rehearsed outside, because the production is open air, and even when the weather has been nice, like today, being outside for 2 and a half hours in the evening is bloody cold. My hands were like blocks of ice within about 15 minutes. Crappy circulation.
I have an appointment with L tomorrow afternoon. She was on leave last week, so I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. It is at a slightly awkward time - I usually see her Tuesday morning, which is fine because my mum is off work then so can drop me off, but it is at half 3 tomorrow, so I am going to have to walk to the next village and then get the bus. I don’t like getting the bus. It makes me anxious. I didn't care when the appointment was made for, because 2 weeks ago when it was made I had no intention of still being alive, but since I am still here it is a little bit inconvenient. I have a feeling it is going to be one of those frustrating appointments where I don't really know what to say because I am feeling so shitty, and then end up leaving really frustrated with myself. I hope it isn't, but I just think it will be. I don't know how to describe or explain how I am feeling at the moment. Just overwhelmed and confused and guilty and hating myself. Everything just feels too much. It was bad enough when I thought the suicidal thoughts were just affecting me, but now that I know it is killing other people I just don't know how to deal with it.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago