I feel really terrible. I am not sure if I can put it into words. I hate that I have known things were getting worse and not being able to stop it. It makes me feel so helpless. Earlier on in the week Wednesday I wrote in a message to Kris about feeling like I was in a limbo between wanting help and wishing something would happen - just absolutely anything to take the pressure off a bit, and just wanting to keep quiet and for everyone to stay away and leave me alone so I could kill myself, but even that has gone now. I just don't feel like I have anything left in me at the moment. I just have no hope at all. It has completely gone. I think there has always been at least a tiny bit before, and it just seems to have gone these last couple of days. I think the CPA review thursday was just like the final straw. It wasn't that it went badly or anything - it was much as I was expecting. It just seemed to take my last bit of energy and motivation getting there and getting through it, and I just don't have anything left now.
I just really can't seem to care about anything at all, every time I have to leave the house it just feels like such an effort, and I just can't wait to get back home, and even when I am out I keep thinking about suicide etc. Yesterday when I was out I tried really hard to just enjoy myself and have fun like everyone else seemed to be, but I just couldn't. I just kept drinking because it was the only thing I could do to not run out of there in tears - it relaxed me enough (along with the Diazepam) that I could hold on until the guy who was driving me home was ready to leave, but I still felt like shit. I really wish I hadn't got involved in either of the shows I am doing - I don't want to go to the rehearsals at all. I didn't go to the rehearsals for The Tempest or Carousel this week. I just really couldn't be bothered. I might send emails to the respective Directors asking them to recast the parts. At the moment I am feeling so suicidal that it feels unlikely I will even be alive, but even if I am I just can't be bothered with them. I just can't cope.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago