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Sunday, 13 June 2010

Hopeless

I feel really terrible. I am not sure if I can put it into words. I hate that I have known things were getting worse and not being able to stop it. It makes me feel so helpless. Earlier on in the week Wednesday I wrote in a message to Kris about feeling like I was in a limbo between wanting help and wishing something would happen - just absolutely anything to take the pressure off a bit, and just wanting to keep quiet and for everyone to stay away and leave me alone so I could kill myself, but even that has gone now. I just don't feel like I have anything left in me at the moment. I just have no hope at all. It has completely gone. I think there has always been at least a tiny bit before, and it just seems to have gone these last couple of days. I think the CPA review thursday was just like the final straw. It wasn't that it went badly or anything - it was much as I was expecting. It just seemed to take my last bit of energy and motivation getting there and getting through it, and I just don't have anything left now.

I just really can't seem to care about anything at all, every time I have to leave the house it just feels like such an effort, and I just can't wait to get back home, and even when I am out I keep thinking about suicide etc. Yesterday when I was out I tried really hard to just enjoy myself and have fun like everyone else seemed to be, but I just couldn't. I just kept drinking because it was the only thing I could do to not run out of there in tears - it relaxed me enough (along with the Diazepam) that I could hold on until the guy who was driving me home was ready to leave, but I still felt like shit. I really wish I hadn't got involved in either of the shows I am doing - I don't want to go to the rehearsals at all. I didn't go to the rehearsals for The Tempest or Carousel this week. I just really couldn't be bothered. I might send emails to the respective Directors asking them to recast the parts. At the moment I am feeling so suicidal that it feels unlikely I will even be alive, but even if I am I just can't be bothered with them. I just can't cope.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Bip, I've been reading for a while but haven't commented before, but I just feel so frustrated/angry on your behalf. It seems from this side of the screen that no one is hearing how desperate you are. I really thought they would give you some meds - ok, they might not help that much but at least you could feel that there might be some improvement ahead, and even a little lift in your mood would be something. And I know you find L supportive but it seems that you need more actual help, and it's just rubbish that there doesn't seem to be any available.
    Sorry for ranting, and please take care x

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  2. Hi Bip. I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to say that could help you. Does anybody know how you really feel? I'm worried about you pulling out of your committments, seems like you're thinking of removing ties to your life. If you feel acutely suicidal I hope you can take yourself off to a doctor. Please stay safe. *Hugs*

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  3. I say it over and over again, PLEASE take yourself to the hospital if you have a plan. Do you have a plan and the implements to see it through? If so, you should be hospitalized. It is frustrating to hear how sad and without hope you are and how no on on your end seems to be listening or even noticing how dire the situation is.
    Don't pull out of the plays just yet. Sometimes it really is hour by hour, minute by minute. Little victories.
    I am thinking about you today,
    xx kris

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  4. I have to agree with werehorse - I know L is very helpful but overall it seems like you are essentially begging for help but no one really hears your desperation. I don't really know what else to say, except that I'm thinking of you and hope that something - anything - can eventually get you out of this horrible situation.

    *big hugs* xxx

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  5. Telling someone how desperate you feel and receiving no help at all is a desperate situation to find yourself in. The only thing i can say is keep talking and telling them how desperate you are though i know how tough that can be as well. There are no words of comfort i feel i can give to you but know that i am thinking of you especially at this time.
    xx Hugs xx

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  6. Well. I don't know what to say as you know I am stuck in this place too. But I hate that someone else is suffering the same pain at the moment. I hate seeing someone ese inpain even more than my own pain if that makes sense. i can't really ask you to get help or take yourself to hospital as that would be hypocritical. But people care, and you would be missed. Try and weather it out. And sorry I don;t comment enoug but I do read. Sending my last bit of energy as hug to you. x

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  7. I'm reading ... I wish I knew what to say but my brain isn't working well just now. I hope that you've got through today okay x

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  8. Thank you so, so much for all the replies. It means so much that people care enough to reply. I will try to reply, but my brain is a bit all over the place.

    Basically hospital isn't an option, so there would be no point in me going to A&E, as I would just be sent home again after spending 4 hours waiting to be seen for 5 minutes. If I was admitted to hospital every time I was feeling suicidal and had a plan then I would spend an awful lot of time in hospital.

    L is on leave this week, so there is nobody to talk to even if I wanted to.

    At the moment I don't think I would go to hospital even if it was an option. I don't want to be kept safe. There would be no point in being kept safe for a week or two, when a little while down the line I will feel the same again. It is pointless.

    Either I will get through it or I won't I suppose. But either way it will have to be on my own, because there is nobody I can turn to for help with L off (in real life that is - I know that you are all supportive, and that means a lot, but it is different to actually speaking to or seeing someone in person). Thank you all so much. xxx

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