I first tried to kill myself 5 years ago today, 26th June 2005. It was a Sunday. It was pretty impulsive. The suicidal thoughts had been around a lot, but I hadn't planned when I was going to overdose or anything, although I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to keep myself safe over the weekend, and had said so to the psychologist I was seeing at the time. My dad was away at Glastonbury. It was Sunday afternoon, and my mum was out, and I just couldn't cope any more, and I took an overdose. Just paracetamol. I didn't know any better at the time. I had written a note, which I had left next to my bed, and I think it was about 10PM when my mum came up and found me. I had been sleeping, but I was fully conscious etc. When the ambulance crew came they were absolutely convinced I had taken something else too because my pupils were so dilated, but I hadn't. I just have big pupils. I was taken to hospital, and they did blood tests, and then put me on a drip. I assume it was too many hours after I had taken it for charcoal. I was on the drip for 2 or 3 days, and by that time my bloods were back to normal. On the thursday I was assessed by the psychiatrist on duty. I remember him not speaking very good English, and asking a lot of stupid questions, like 'If I let you go home are you going to kill yourself again?' which I remember finding quite amusing. I was given the choice of being admitted to the psychiatric ward or going home. I naturally chose to go home. My birthday was 2 days later.
When I look back at that, 5 years ago, it upsets me. 5 years later and I am no better. In fact, I am worse than I was back then. I was still living a normal life back then - I just felt very bad, and my bulimia was quite bad. But I was still going to college, although I remember having to leave some lessons because I was too much of a mess. Ok, I took an overdose, and I did feel like I wanted to die, but the thoughts were nothing compared to how much stronger they got in later years. I wish that it had worked, or that I had managed to kill myself at some other point since then. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the last 5 years. My life has mainly consisted of staying in my room. I have very rarely felt happy or contented. I have just been surviving. And I don't see the point of just surviving - I may as well not be here at all. If I had known 5 years ago that I was going to be in this position now, I could not have coped. I would have kept trying to kill myself until it had worked. But back then I still had hope some of the time. Now I don't. 7 years of Depression has eradicated that. I am convinced that at some point I will end up killing myself - trying not to is just delaying the inevitable. I just wish it had happened years ago, and I hadn't had to go through all of this.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago