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Tuesday, 15 June 2010
I haven't written for a couple of days because I just haven't known what to say. I feel really awful. I am having very strong suicidal thoughts that I have come very close to acting on, but I haven't. That doesn't feel like a good thing though. I wish I had. I do not want to be here. I don't want to be alive. And nobody and nothing can change that. I am trying to keep going because I don't want to hurt people. And I know I will. Even if it didn't work I would hurt people. But I have absolutely no desire to be alive for myself, and so I feel like I can't keep going on for other people. I can't think of a single thing that I would want to live for. I don't care about anything. I am wishing more and more that I had never got involved in these productions. They are just an added stress I don't need. I resent them. I resent the other people involved in them. I think I resent everything in my life that feels even vaguely like a committment, because I don't want to be committed to anything, because I don't want to be here. I can't cope. Technically I am coping I suppose - I am still alive. But I don't want to be. I am desperate, more than I could ever express. And all I can think about is killing myself - when I am awake I am constantly planning, when I am asleep I am dreaming about it. There is no escape. I feel sick I feel so awful. And I feel so alone. Completely, completely alone.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.