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Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Still here...

I haven't written for a couple of days because I just haven't known what to say. I feel really awful. I am having very strong suicidal thoughts that I have come very close to acting on, but I haven't. That doesn't feel like a good thing though. I wish I had. I do not want to be here. I don't want to be alive. And nobody and nothing can change that. I am trying to keep going because I don't want to hurt people. And I know I will. Even if it didn't work I would hurt people. But I have absolutely no desire to be alive for myself, and so I feel like I can't keep going on for other people. I can't think of a single thing that I would want to live for. I don't care about anything. I am wishing more and more that I had never got involved in these productions. They are just an added stress I don't need. I resent them. I resent the other people involved in them. I think I resent everything in my life that feels even vaguely like a committment, because I don't want to be committed to anything, because I don't want to be here. I can't cope. Technically I am coping I suppose - I am still alive. But I don't want to be. I am desperate, more than I could ever express. And all I can think about is killing myself - when I am awake I am constantly planning, when I am asleep I am dreaming about it. There is no escape. I feel sick I feel so awful. And I feel so alone. Completely, completely alone.
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13 comments:

  1. La-reve15 June 2010 at 08:55

    You don't deserve this B. Shout up and get some help - I really think meds or something could help. These thoughts are horrible but can pass. Don't do anything impulsive. x

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  2. Narky15 June 2010 at 10:35

    I'm with La-reve, shout until you get some help.

    Thinking of you. XXX

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  3. sophiebutterscotch15 June 2010 at 10:48

    Yes I agree with what has been said. You are stuck in this dark hole but there are so many wonderful things in the world. Trust me. Get some help please please.

    Thinking of you x

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  4. Bippidee15 June 2010 at 12:53

    There is nobody I can speak to. L is on leave this week. And it feels like I have been shouting and screaming (metaphorically) for so long and it makes no difference. I don't know what I can do anymore.

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  5. Kristin15 June 2010 at 15:06

    I am sure that there is help out there if you "shout" loud enough. Maybe it is time to get your mom more involved. You live with her. If she isn't aware of how desperate you are, she should be! Being a parent myself, I know that I would be devastated if I found out that my child was in as much pain as you are, Bippidee. Being denied hospitalization at this point seems absurd! What would constitute a necessary hospitalization?!
    xx kris

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  6. Bippidee15 June 2010 at 15:28

    I'm not sure. My mum tried to get them to admit me last summer (after hours waiting in A&E feeling very suicidal), but it still didn't happen. I guess possibly if I attempted suicide and it didn't work and I was still suicidal they might admit me, but I'm not sure. I don't know that I would want to be admitted anyway - I don't feel like I want to be kept safe at the moment. If I feel suicidal I want to be able to act on it. If it was going to help and there was the option of going somewhere with therapy etc that would be a bit different, but the local NHS ward wouldn't help - it would just keep me safe for a week or however long they kept me there - it wouldn't change anything. x

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  7. Anonymous15 June 2010 at 22:17

    You have to shout and scream and then shout some more to get anywhere with the NHS in my long, bitter personal experience. My heart goes out to you it really does, I wish there was something I could do to make it better but in the meantime all I can do is urge you to keep fighting even if you really don't feel like it.

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  8. Anonymous16 June 2010 at 00:23

    Bippidee, I'm new to reading your blog but I can tell that you and I have a lot in common. You are NOT alone in your suicidality-- I live with it too. I think I can understand where you are: the constant thoughts, the urges, the regret due to not acting on those urges.

    I wish I knew what to say to make all this crap go away. All I know is that I already care about you and I want to see you alive (even if you disagree). I see in your previous comments that you said you don't have anyone to call-- have you considered calling the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255)? It's better than nothing.

    Sometimes it helps me to think like this: suicide is so permanent that if something has the possibility to change, if I'm dead I'll never be able to know. But if I'm alive there's still a chance. I know that's not extremely helpful, but it's something.

    Bippidee, please stay safe. And know that someone out there in the bloggosphere cares.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  9. Bippidee16 June 2010 at 00:34

    You are so right anickdaler - you really do have to scream and shout forever with the NHS, and in my experience, most of the time it still doesn't get you anywhere. And when you are too bloody exhausted to scream and shout then you are totally screwed really.

    NOS - I am in the UK so that hotline nuber doesn't apply here. We have the Samaritans but I called them a couple of times before, a long time ago, and didn't find it remotely helpful. Thank you for your comment though. I appreciate it.

    xxxx

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  10. Anonymous17 June 2010 at 14:11

    Keep shouting and don't give up. I know you can do it. Just know that however horrible things are at the moment, they have to eventually get better. I know, I've been there. It's a constant struggle but it's one you can win. It takes time. Fight the good fight, even if it means kicking and screaming. I will be holding positive thoughts for you. Take care and be well. *hugs*

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  11. Kristin17 June 2010 at 14:51

    Hi Bippidee,
    Just checking in again. I know by watching my daughter go through this that these feelings of despair will pass. But, it is so difficult to know that when you are suffering day in and day out.
    Please hold on. There is a community of people holding you in the light, hoping that each day is better for you.
    xx kris

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  12. Anonymous17 June 2010 at 15:06

    Hey Hun, im thinking of you and hoping you are getting some sort of support.xxx

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  13. Pandora17 June 2010 at 22:17

    I really don't know what it takes to get hospitalised on the NHS. Here in Northern Ireland they just don't seem to do it, unless you are endangering someone other than yourself...harming yourself doesn't seem to count.

    But I really think, Bip, if you can self-admit somehow, please do. Medication might help, but regardless at least you'll be safe. I know L's off...but are the crisis team available? I know they're stunningly shite, but any support is better than none (hopefully).

    Thinking of you. I hope you're safe.

    Pan xxxxx

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