I found my blades. I decided to have another search tonight and I found them. Turns out they were just pretty buried. Really wish I had found them the other day when I wanted them so much. Although it was possibly better that I didn't, as I pretty worked up then. I did self harm tonight. For the first time in about 9 months. Not deep. Just superficial. But I kept going over it over and over again. I am shit at self harming. I always want to cut deeper than I am able to. However many times I go over it and however hard I am pushing it just makes a superficial cut. I want it to be deep. I don't know if it is because my blades aren't sharp enough or what. I think I will buy some new ones. It is amazing what you can find when you search for scalpel on ebay. They look much better than my blades. I can't order for a few days though, because my mum is at home, and so she will see the post, and ask me what it was. Usually the post comes when she is out at work, therefore if I order at the end of this week then it will be ok.
I don't know why I am wanting to self harm so much at the moment. Well I do know. It is because I want to kill myself. I want to overdose so much. But I am trying not to do that because of how much it will upset people. Which is stupid really, because it will happen at some point, so why not now? I would like to do it right now. I would like to get every single tablet I have and take them all. But I can't. For a start it wouldn't be practical - I have an appointment with L in 9 hours, and my mum will expect me to be up in 8 hours. So not good timing. But also I couldn't do that to her - she has more than enough to deal with at the moment with my grandad staying. I haven't had any more stories about magic people today, but he did say earlier that when he had carers before it was useful because when bread was being rationed they had been able to get it for him, even though other people couldn't get it because of the people who make the bread being on strike. Rather baffled as to what that was all about.
I just feel so much that I don't want to be alive. There is no reason for me to be feeling like this at the moment. I am not struggling in the way that I was a few weeks back. I don't have the same desperation - I feel like I am thinking more rationally. But I still want to die. Maybe even more so. Maybe that is proof that I am supposed to kill myself - even when things should be ok I still don't want to live. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what people expect me to do. Everyone always says to carry on, but what is the point? What is it for? I really don't know. If I could see the point of it then it would be easier to keep going. If I could see things getting better then it would be easier. But as it is I just don't understand how or why I am supposed to keep going. It makes no sense. Suicide makes sense.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago