Tuesday, 1 June 2010


I found my blades. I decided to have another search tonight and I found them. Turns out they were just pretty buried. Really wish I had found them the other day when I wanted them so much. Although it was possibly better that I didn't, as I pretty worked up then. I did self harm tonight. For the first time in about 9 months. Not deep. Just superficial. But I kept going over it over and over again. I am shit at self harming. I always want to cut deeper than I am able to. However many times I go over it and however hard I am pushing it just makes a superficial cut. I want it to be deep. I don't know if it is because my blades aren't sharp enough or what. I think I will buy some new ones. It is amazing what you can find when you search for scalpel on ebay. They look much better than my blades. I can't order for a few days though, because my mum is at home, and so she will see the post, and ask me what it was. Usually the post comes when she is out at work, therefore if I order at the end of this week then it will be ok.

I don't know why I am wanting to self harm so much at the moment. Well I do know. It is because I want to kill myself. I want to overdose so much. But I am trying not to do that because of how much it will upset people. Which is stupid really, because it will happen at some point, so why not now? I would like to do it right now. I would like to get every single tablet I have and take them all. But I can't. For a start it wouldn't be practical - I have an appointment with L in 9 hours, and my mum will expect me to be up in 8 hours. So not good timing. But also I couldn't do that to her - she has more than enough to deal with at the moment with my grandad staying. I haven't had any more stories about magic people today, but he did say earlier that when he had carers before it was useful because when bread was being rationed they had been able to get it for him, even though other people couldn't get it because of the people who make the bread being on strike. Rather baffled as to what that was all about.

I just feel so much that I don't want to be alive. There is no reason for me to be feeling like this at the moment. I am not struggling in the way that I was a few weeks back. I don't have the same desperation - I feel like I am thinking more rationally. But I still want to die. Maybe even more so. Maybe that is proof that I am supposed to kill myself - even when things should be ok I still don't want to live. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what people expect me to do. Everyone always says to carry on, but what is the point? What is it for? I really don't know. If I could see the point of it then it would be easier to keep going. If I could see things getting better then it would be easier. But as it is I just don't understand how or why I am supposed to keep going. It makes no sense. Suicide makes sense.


  1. Oh Bipp, I'm sorry you're still struggling so much with the thoughts of suicide.
    Not self harming in nine months is amzing, though it's unfortunate you've ended up self harming again today.
    I feel very much the same way about wanting to overdose, what's stopping me is other people and the fact that it wouldn't really be practical.
    You may not see things getting better right now, but it doesn't mean things definetely won't get better in the future. Hang in there.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. Thanks Cassie. I rarely self harm (in the traditional sense - I do lots of biting and chewing my hand, because that is somehow more socially acceptable because it doesn't leave scars) - I never have cut much. There have really only been a couple of periods when I have done it more frequently - one was last summer, and the other time was a few years before that. There has been the occasional time in between, but I am not really a self harmer. And to be honest, I don't actually consider it a problem in itself - as I said, I don't ever do it deep enough that I need stitches or anything, and for me it tends to be an alternative to something more dangerous. So self harming itself isn't a big problem. The problem is what makes me do it. I know from experience that I only self harm when things are really bad, and it tends to be either during or before a crisis period. Now I wouldn't say that I am in crisis at the moment - things were definitely worse a few weeks ago, so what I don't know is why I have started feeling the need to do it again now. Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought they had. Or maybe I am about to go into another crisis period. I really hope not. But me cutting is definitely some type of warning sign, because it just isn't something I usually do. Ah well. xxxx

  3. I am sorry you are suffering so much. My daughter has self-harmed because she wants to feel something intensely and other times because she hates herself so much. She hates her tattoos and pinches and smacks herself until she bruises. She has trouble getting dressed and beats her thighs. But, basically, she self-harms because she doesn't love herself.
    How can we, your readers, convince you that you are a treasured member of this online community and that we value your input? We care that you are in such pain and would like to help. The will to live and get through to another day has to come from you but we can all try to send love. I will. And, I hope that you will accept it and bathe yourself in its meaning.
    Go talk with your granddad. Now there is a distracting pastime.
    Try to take very good care of yourself today, Bippidee.
    xx kris

  4. I just want to send some love to you as well. Just love. XXX

  5. Thank you both very much. I just feel a bit all over the place at the moment. And confused. Really confused. To be honest Kris, I don't know if there is anything that anyone could say that would make me feel good about myself. I just don't, and I always find the messages my head is giving me are far stronger than any messages I get from anyone else, I suppose because they are so constant. But thank you. xxx