I don't really know what to write. My head feels in a bit of a spin really, but I don't know why.
I had my CPA review this afternoon. L came out and said that Dr E was running a bit late so she would have a chat with me first. She asked how I had been the last couple of days, and I told her that I was struggling, and had been purging daily, and that I had self harmed again last night etc. We talked briefly about the self harm, and what was behind it etc, and why did I think I was doing it at the moment, when it is so rare for me to do etc. She asked if I had thought of anything in particular I wanted to talk about in the review, and it was about then that Dr E came in. Things went pretty much as expected really. L gave a little summary of how she saw things over the last 6 months, and Dr E asked how I had seen things etc. L brought up medication, and said how I felt that I have been lower overall since I have been off it. Then there was lots of talk about needing to set goals, so that there was something objective to look at in terms of improvement etc. I switched off slightly - it was all a bit much for me to try and think about. I think this went on for a while - them talking about trying to set little goals, and get me into a better routine etc, and me saying the odd word but nothing too much, as it is hard to think about. Dr E didn't seem to want to prescribe any medication - she didn't mention it again after L and I had talked about it. Basically the outcome was that the next 6 months would be spent trying to set (and achieve) some goals, like sorting out my sleeping and that sort of thing. I am not going to be seeing Dr E regularly any more, since I am only on Diazepam at the moment - if I need to see her for something then L will get me an appointment with her, but I won't have any regular appointments with her. And that was about it. Pretty much as I thought really.
After that Dr E left, and I talked to L for a while. She asked how I was feeling. I said that I didn't know why, but I felt like bursting into tears. I told her that I had found it really difficult talking about goals etc, as I was feeling so suicidal that I just didn't see myself being here, and that was all I could think about. That the whole time they were talking all I could think was that there was no point trying to set goals because I wouldn't be here. And that that is all has been going round and round in my head the last few days. It has been so frustrating the last few weeks, knowing that things have been going downhill, and yet not knowing how to stop it. I said that when I saw her on tuesday and she said she was on leave next week, that the first thing I thought was that in that case I wouldn't be seeing her again, and that I hoped she wouldn't think I had killed myself because she wasn't there. I was finding it really hard to talk, because I was on the verge of tears. When I left I went into the toilets and cried for a while - I just felt so awful, and completely hopeless.
Since then I have been feeling pretty numb and flat, just drained really. I just don't want to be here, and the thoughts are so strong that I don't know how to get rid of them or stop myself acting on them. But I know I have said things like that before. And I know that really there's not much anyone can do about it. It just feels very isolating and overwhelming and suicide really does feel like the only option - I can't see a future and I don't want a future. I couldn't honestly say what will happen over the next few days or week. I might be fine, or I might not - I really don't know at the moment. I know how I feel at the moment, but what I think will happen doesn't always.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago