I feel like such a fuck up. I am really annoyed with myself about the summer course in America. I should have done it. I still don't know if i would have been able to cope with it or not, but I am really angry with myself for not trying. I should have gone. I am stupid. I have been looking into summer courses over here, but with everything else going on it will be really hard to fit it in, and none of the courses over here look nearly as good and I am just bloody pissed off with myself. Plus doing a 2 week course over here including accommodation would cost me as much as the 3 week course in America including accommodation, because I got given financial aid for it. I am a twat, I should have just gone.
I feel like I have taken on too much with these plays. Everything is clashing, and I feel like I have too much on. Tomorrow I have a readthrough for the Shakespeare. Monday I have ballet. Tuesday I have a singing rehearsal for the musical, and should also be at a Shakespeare rehearsal, but I obviously can't be in too places at once. Wednesday I have ballet. Friday I have the drama festival performance. So Thursday is my only free evening for the next week. Then I also have an appointment with L one day, although I don't know which yet as she has lost her diary, I have my CPA review with L and Dr E on Thursday. Friday I am supposed to be seeing Dr O at 9:20, but I have had an appointment through for the Voice Clinic (which the ENT Dr said he was going to refer me to) at 10:30, and that is a 35 minute drive from the GP surgery, so if the GP is running on time it would be ok, but if she is late then it would all go hideously wrong. The obvious thing would be to rearrange the GP appointment but they are so bloody busy at the moment - I had to make this appointment 4 weeks in advance, so I am not sure what to do really. But I don't want to change the Voice Clinic appointment, because I was really pleased it came through so soon, and they only hold it alternate fridays, so it would mean having to wait at least another 2 weeks. There is just too much on. I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
I really don't want to go to my CPA review. Even though Dr E is nice, I still find seeing her a bit intimidating. I suppose it is just because she is a Psychiatrist. And I always feel really put on the spot when she asks me things. She will ask me all the questions about is seeing L helpful, and if I say yes then she will ask me how it is helping me, and what it is that is helpful and all that sort of thing, and I just freeze and don't know what to say. And I will sit there feeling really awkward. I don't like it. I don't want to go.
Purged again today. This is starting to become a pattern, which isn't great. The suicidal thoughts are certainly going strong too. Not really sure what I can do about it. I don't know how to stop them getting stronger and stop myself from getting worse.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago