I am feeling really crap. I think it is all this birthday/funeral stuff getting to me. My birthday is going to be a total wash out. Not that we ever make a massive deal about birthdays in my family - I haven't had a party for about 15 years, and I never go out clubbing or anything like that because I don't like it. Often I go out for a meal with family or friends, or we have sometimes had BBQs when it has been good weather, and a couple of times I have been to London to see shows, but we never do anything massive, which is fine. But this year the funeral is on my birthday, and we are going to have to leave the house before 8am to get there, as it is quite a long way away. Then obviously there is the funeral, and then wherever we go after the funeral, and then coming home after, so we will be out at the funeral all day. My mum suggested we pretend my birthday is the following day, and then remembered she has a work do that day for a member of staff who is leaving. My parents haven't bought me any presents yet either, so I am not holding my breath there either, since my mum is at work all week apart from Friday, when we are at the funeral. That is partly my own fault because I can't really think of anything I want. It is really difficult to think of anything when I don't seem to be able to do anything, plus of course I always intend to be dead sometime soon. I don't have the concentration or motivation for anything much, so I can't get enthusiastic about books or DVDs or CDs or anything like that. My mum often buys me clothes, but that is a total no go at the moment because I hate my body so much, and I am so determined to lose weight, that I absolutely refuse to buy clothes to fit me at this size, because that would be like accepting how big I am, and that is not going to happen. I have asked for an English Bull Terrier puppy, but that was refused, as was a puppy of any other type, a grey kitten and a house pig. So yes, I haven't exactly been helpful on the present ideas front. But then my mum is notoriously disorganised anyway, and didn't even seem to think about presents until this weekend (when she was busy all weekend anyway) and suddenly asked if my Amazon wishlist was up to date. I am not too bothered. There is nothing I particularly want anyway, and there have been other years where my mum has been too disorganised to get me any presents for my birthday and has given them to me late or something, so it isn't like it would be a first.
I sound really materialistic talking about presents, and I'm actually not. It isn't about presents. I just feel shit and I don't want my birthday to happen because I can't deal with it. But pretending it isn't happening and ignoring it is not going to help, because I will still know it is my birthday, and I will still feel shit about it. It is so linked with dying and suicide in my mind, because that is always the first thing I think of when I think of my birthday, because I don't want to let another year start. And I am really, really struggling a lot with the concept of being at a funeral on that day. It is going to make me think about death even more, and it just really feels so difficult. Every time I think about it I want to cry. It just feels too much. And I can't even explain to anyone how I feel about it all and how much it is upsetting me, partly because it would be selfish because my parents are obviously upset about my granddad dying, and partly because it would mean talking about the suicidal thoughts, and that would be too hard and just upset them. I know that since I don't like birthdays anyway it shouldn't matter in theory, but it will still be my birthday even if I pretend it isn't, and there will still be all those associations in my head. I am getting so tense and anxious when I think about it, my heart keeps going funny like a mini panic attack. I am scared of having a complete breakdown on Friday in front of everyone. I just can't do it, but I have to.
Then of course there is the funeral itself. Funerals are always difficult, for everyone. Obviously it is difficult seeing people upset. They also always make me think a lot about suicide and my own funeral, and those thoughts will be amplified due to my birthday. I will also be seeing lots of family I haven't seen for quite a while, and I am so completely repulsed by my body at the moment that I am dreading that. I have two cousins who will be there who are both really thin, and I will feel like a bloody whale next to them.
It seems like everything is wrong at the moment. I need something to go my way and be right, because I can't cope like this.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago