Friday, 18 June 2010
More suicidal thoughts
Sorry I haven't been posting. My brain doesn't seem to be working well enough to write. Or at least I could keep writing about how shit I feel, and how strong the suicidal thoughts are, but that seems fairly pointless. I have been carrying on by continually forcing myself to imagine how upset my family and friends would be. I don't know how long it will work for, but it is all I have got right now. I wish I didn't have to worry about other people. It would make things so much simpler if there wasn't anyone who would miss me. I do genuinely believe that everyone would be better off without me, but I know they wouldn't see it like that. I hate knowing that I am living for other people. It just makes me resent everyone - particularly my mum, because she is the main person I think about, as I think she would be the most upset. So we have been arguing a lot. Which then makes me feel worse, and reinforces the thoughts that I am a horrible person, and that people would be better off without me. I think my mum and I could probably do with some time apart, even if it was just a few days, but I don't have anywhere to go. Things are just so strained between us at the moment - partly because of me feeling so bad, which always makes me irritable and snappy, and partly because I am feeling so much resentment towards her for making me feel like I have to stay alive. People always say how selfish suicide is because of the impact it has on the people left behind, but people never seem to consider the impact that staying alive has on the person who is wanting to die. Either way somebody is going to be upset and in pain, but I don't see why it is any more selfish to kill yourself, than it is for others to pressure you to stay alive when you really, really don't want to. I find myself wishing that I would be killed in an accident or by an illness or something, so that I could die but without the stigma of suicide attached, and without feeling guilty. I also get upset sometimes because I have intrusive thoughts about the people closest to me dying, because if they were dead then I could kill myself, but I hate myself for thinking that so much. I am evil. I don't deserve to have people caring about me. I hate myself. I think my family would hate me too if I wasn't related to them. I am not a nice person to be around. I don't know why they can't see how much better it would be for them if I wasn't here.