Tuesday, 29 June 2010
I am feeling really shit today. I don't know why really. I suppose just all the birthday/funeral stuff getting on top of me. The day started off badly because I seemed to have lots of nightmares, so I woke up quite wound up and upset, and with a headache. Then I just felt really shit all day. I kept thinking about whether it would realistically make much difference to other people whether I killed myself before Friday or after. I can't decide - on one hand I think that if I am going to kill myself it won't make any difference to other people when I do it. But on the other hand, my dad already has his dad's funeral this week - if I killed myself before that it might make it even more difficult for him. I'm not sure. Anyway, then tonight I completely freaked out about the funeral and got really upset. Not about the funeral itself, but afterwards. When my mum talked to my aunt the other day they had been talking about hiring a room in a pub or something for people to go to afterwards. When my dad spoke to my aunt tonight, the arrangements had been made, and they have got caterers taking food to my granddad's bungalow for afterwards. I know it is stupid, but that just totally freaked me out. I don't want to go to an empty house, where my granddad died, where nobody lives now. It feels weird and wrong and I don't like it. If he hadn't died there it would be slightly different, and if someone else still lived there, like when one person of a couple dies but the other is still alive, that would be slightly different. But I really do not want to go to an empty dead house. It freaks me out, and I don't care if it is stupid, I do not want to do it. As soon as my dad said about it I got really really upset and was crying a lot, and then he was laughing at me and saying I was being silly and what difference did it make etc etc, and I was getting more and more upset. My mum said she didn't think it was actually a very suitable place to have it because there isn't even a dining table to put the food on, and my dad joked that they could set all the food out on the bed, and I just got totally hysterical. I don't know what to do now. I know really it makes no difference that nobody lives there and that he died there, but I just don't want to go there. I am not even sure if I can cope with going to the funeral now if it involves going back there after.