I feel confused. I don't really know what is going on. I don't know if I am doing better or worse. Because I am now capable of reading children's books and forming complete sentences, as opposed to the staring at the walls and grunting of a few weeks ago, I assumed that must mean I am doing better. But I don't know if I am. The self harming feels like a bit of a set back. Not because it was bad self harm or anything, but because for the last few days I have wanted to do it so much, and most of the time I don't think about it much, and it is certainly rare that I actually do it, even if I am thinking about it. I have no problem with self harm itself - I don't do it badly enough for it to be damaging, and I have always thought that if stops me doing something more dangerous then that is fine. And I still think that. But I am just a bit concerned that I am feeling bad enough to feel like I need to do that. And last night it did feel like I was self harming to stop myself overdosing. I knew I couldn't overdose, and that that wasn't an option, but I needed to hurt myself. I do feel like I am getting increasingly closer to a suicide attempt. Even though my mood isn't as low as it was a few weeks ago (or I can at least manage some basic things now), I kind of feel more at risk now than I did then. I think I was too exhausted then to do anything. Now I feel like I am teetering on the brink rather, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the warning signs from previous times, and it seems like they are all there. It might be for the best though. If I have felt like this for so many years, then maybe it really does mean it is the right decision. I can see that it will never be a socially acceptable one, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. Does it?
I bought laxatives today. I don't know why. I never take laxatives. Like I have had them maybe twice in my life, and for completely genuine reasons both times. I know they won't make me lose weight. And yet I feel like I need them. I am getting increasingly obsessed with my weight again. Well, my weight is an ongoing obsession, but sometimes it takes over more than others. The reasoning behind buying the laxatives is that if I go to the toilet more often then I will weigh less. And if I weigh less I will feel better. I am not intending to take lots at a time or anything. Just enough to get me going to the toilet regularly, say every morning before I weigh myself, rather than every few days. But I know what I am like. I know how easily I get hooked on things. Buying them wasn't sensible. But right now I don't care. I just want to lose weight, and even though I know they won't make me lose fat or anything, they might help the number on the scales go down, and that is what I care about. I am a bit obsessed with weighing myself at the moment. I weigh every day when I get up. I do it 3 times in a row, as sometimes it varies by 0.2 of a lb, and so I do it 3 times, and then whichever weight comes up most often is the one that gets written down for that day. But then if I have got up early that day, I then have to weigh again later, at the time I would usually weigh. Since I usually wake up around 1pm or a bit later, my usual weighing time is usually around 2. So if like today, I had to be up early (as I was seeing L), I had to make sure I didn't eat anything until I got home, which wasn't until half 3, so that I could weigh myself then. I also sometimes weigh in the night. Not every night, but if I have to go downstairs for any reason in the night then I weigh myself - it is like a pre-warning of what will come when I weigh the next day. Sadly my weight isn't really going down. I am trying really hard, but it is only going down very slowly, and if I have one day when I eat more than I should have (like yesterday) then my weight immediately jumps up by about a pound. Which then tends to take several days to lose. It feels like a case of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
I need to sleep. I have been up for 16 hours, and I only had about 4 hours sleep last night. My sleep is dreadful at the moment. Really awful. My mum is taking my grandad back to his house tomorrow. She has spoken to social services, and it is all sorted for the carers to start going in to see him 3 times a day from tomorrow. Hopefully the magic people will have gone when he gets back to his house tomorrow....
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago