Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Not great

I haven't had a great day again. I purged earlier. Not a massive deal, but it is something I haven't done for a month or 2. It wasn't that I ate and then felt guilty - I just decided I would have a Creme Egg and then purge it, so I did. Apart from that my eating hasn't been too bad today - about 500kcals, not including the purged Creme Egg. Which will be some calories, but I don't know how many.

I seem to have a need to do destructive things at the moment, or things that aren't good for me. I don't really know why. My head is just full of hurting myself, and thoughts of overdosing, and I just seem to need to do something damaging.

I suppose I do feel like I am quite at risk at the moment, in terms of overdosing etc - all the warning signs are there. But knowing the warning signs isn't really much help, when I don't know what I can do to stop things from getting worse. I always know when I am getting worse. I always know when I am going into crisis mode. But I don't ever know how to stop it, and I don't ever know how to get out of it once I am there.

I saw L yesterday, but I am not able to see her again this week - I was supposed to see her again on friday but she had to cancel. That is the last 3 weeks I have only been able to see her once, rather than the twice that I was supposed to be seeing her at the moment. These things happen I guess. It just isn't great timing really. Well obviously not, since the reason I am supposed to be seeing her twice is because I haven't been doing well lately.

I have my CPA review next week. I think I will ask Dr E about going back on anti depressants. I think overall things have been worse since I have stopped them. I don't know if the lows have been lower, because I find it difficult to compare them, as that episode always feels like the worst ever when I am in it, until another one comes along. But I do feel like overall things have been worse. My sleep is bad, my concentration is bad, my memory is bad, my eating is bad, I am irritable, I can't make myself care about anything, I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I am not claiming that anti depressants got rid of all of these things, or indeed any of them, but I just feel like overall things have been worse and the feelings and thoughts more persistent, and my brain has felt more scrambled, since I came off anti depressants.


  1. It does sound like things are going a bit downhill at the moment for you, with the purging when you haven't done it for one or two months, the self harming when you haven't done it in nine months and the thoughts of overdosing. I wish I knew how to stop it when I know I'm reaching a crisis, but like you I don't...
    It's unfortunate you haven't been able to see L as often as you were meant to. How much longer do you have of seeing her twice weekly?
    From the sounds of things, it's definetely worth asking Dr E about antidepressants again. Even though they probably won't fix everything, if it at least lifts your moods a bit, that's an improvement still.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. Thanks for the comment. I don't know - it was initially meant to be for a month and then review things, which would mean it would now be finished unless it had been extended, but the way it has turned out there have only actually been 2 weeks when I have seen her twice. I expect it will all be discussed at my CPA review next week and it will go back to once a week. I don't know though. x

  3. Of course, you will take yourself to the hospital if you arrange a plan of action. Suicide is not an option. Hospitalization is. You must speak with someone about the escalation of these thoughts. Today. If you think that the will to hurt yourself by purging or self-harm is a precursor to more serious things, then take action. Maybe you need a break and have to let someone else take care of you. A couple of weeks of stress-free living? Hospitalization isn't ideal but might be necessary at this point. You definitely seem to be getting worse.
    Sometimes antidepressants can cause manic episodes with people with bpd. But, you have been on antidepressants before, right? And, had none of those kind of side effects?
    Please take care of yourself, Bippidee. I'll be thinking about you today.
    xx kris

  4. Thanks Kris. No, I haven't ever had manic episodes from anti depressants - they just have never seemed to help much either. I have been on 6 different anti depressants I think, and because I have still had really bad episodes on all of them, it was deemed that they weren't helping and so they were stopped. But I think they might have helped with things like my memory and concentration etc.

    I don't feel like I am at risk of doing something today. I just feel like things are getting worse and so it is more likely to happen at some time. But maybe it won't, I don't know. I just know I am struggling. Hospital isn't an option. My CPN and psychiatrist are both very against it for me - my care plan says to avoid hospitalisation. I understand their thinking behind it, but there are times when I just feel like I need a break. But the times when hospital would probably be most needed would be the times when I was most suicidal, and at those times I wouldn't want anyone to interfere. It is times like this when I can see things getting worse that I feel like I need help - when it gets too bad I don't want it. I don't know, I am not making much sense. But basically even if I did want it, hospital wouldn't be an option.


  5. In fact, it does kind of make sense. When you are really desperate, you don't want the interference, the necessity of talking it all out. When you are a bit better, but still hurting, it feels like you might be able to get some of it off your chest.
    On any case, hospitalization is really horrific, if you ask me, and I have seen too many insides of hospitals and what they have done to my daughter. I would suggest it only if you are truly at risk. Then, of course a few days in hospital would be preferable. . .

    Antidepressant will cause mania if you have some bipolar tendencies which you probably don't. Diagnosing is so hit and miss. Almost as difficult as getting meds straight.

    It is disconcerting to lose your memory and be distracted. I know it makes my daughter feel undone and unfocused. I hope that your doctor will address these the next time you have an appointment.

    xx kris

  6. No, it isn't fun being in hospital. I have been in 3 different psych wards - two NHS and one private, but all some time ago. I was nearly admitted last summer but managed to avoid it. But the times I have been admitted have definitely stopped suicide attempts, and I feel like the suicide attempts I have made could have been prevented if I had been able to get more help at those times, which I had tried to get but nothing happened. I don't know. I think hospitalisation isn't ideal, but can help in the short term. As I have said before, what I think might help long term would be a therapeutic community, but that isn't an option. I do feel pretty hopeless about everything at the moment. I just can't see things ever changing, and I can't live like this. I feel like I am struggling a lot at the moment and I just don't know what to do about it. x

  7. Sorry for the late reply, I just didn't know what to say except to send hugs. I believe that it's rather common to feel more suicidal when moderately less depressed, simply - as you say - because one has the energy and motivation to do something, including topping themselves. It's a dangerous time - if you feel that hospital would help you protect yourself, can you raise the issue with L? Whilst I certainly understand the desire - I understand it so very much indeed - you would be very sorely missed. Anyway, thinking of you Bip. Take care as best you can. xxx