I haven't had a great day again. I purged earlier. Not a massive deal, but it is something I haven't done for a month or 2. It wasn't that I ate and then felt guilty - I just decided I would have a Creme Egg and then purge it, so I did. Apart from that my eating hasn't been too bad today - about 500kcals, not including the purged Creme Egg. Which will be some calories, but I don't know how many.
I seem to have a need to do destructive things at the moment, or things that aren't good for me. I don't really know why. My head is just full of hurting myself, and thoughts of overdosing, and I just seem to need to do something damaging.
I suppose I do feel like I am quite at risk at the moment, in terms of overdosing etc - all the warning signs are there. But knowing the warning signs isn't really much help, when I don't know what I can do to stop things from getting worse. I always know when I am getting worse. I always know when I am going into crisis mode. But I don't ever know how to stop it, and I don't ever know how to get out of it once I am there.
I saw L yesterday, but I am not able to see her again this week - I was supposed to see her again on friday but she had to cancel. That is the last 3 weeks I have only been able to see her once, rather than the twice that I was supposed to be seeing her at the moment. These things happen I guess. It just isn't great timing really. Well obviously not, since the reason I am supposed to be seeing her twice is because I haven't been doing well lately.
I have my CPA review next week. I think I will ask Dr E about going back on anti depressants. I think overall things have been worse since I have stopped them. I don't know if the lows have been lower, because I find it difficult to compare them, as that episode always feels like the worst ever when I am in it, until another one comes along. But I do feel like overall things have been worse. My sleep is bad, my concentration is bad, my memory is bad, my eating is bad, I am irritable, I can't make myself care about anything, I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I am not claiming that anti depressants got rid of all of these things, or indeed any of them, but I just feel like overall things have been worse and the feelings and thoughts more persistent, and my brain has felt more scrambled, since I came off anti depressants.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago