Not a good day. Again. Well I suppose to be fair the actual day wasn't bad. Nothing bad happened. It was fine. I went to the Shakespeare rehearsal. Well, it was more of a read through really. Then I had to go to my sister's house for 3 hours, because my parents were both out all day, so I couldn't get home until my mum picked me up at 7. I was quite tired by the time I got home because I had been out 6 hours, and even though that doesn't sound like long, it feels like a long time to me. I do find it difficult being out of the house. A friend asked me earlier if being busy and having lots on made me feel better, but it really doesn't - the more I have on the more stressed and overwhelmed I get by it all, and the more I just want to curl up in my bed and block out the world. It apparently isn't meant to work like that - distraction is meant to be good, but it doesn't work for me. I don't get distracted. I just feel shit whilst I am doing whatever it is I am doing.
Next paragraph may trigger.
Tonight hasn't been good. I got ready for bed, cleaned my teeth etc, then got the munchies. I tried to get rid of them with sugar free sweets, because I allow myself them after I have cleaned my teeth, but then I decided I needed crisps (chips to any Americans) and a chocolate truffle. So I ate them, felt like shit, and went downstairs and purged. Purging when both parents are in the house is unheard of for me, but since both parents were asleep and I knew I could do it without making any noise I did it anyway. And then I came back up to bed and self harmed. Deeper than the other night, or there was more blood anyway. But still not deep. I seem to be getting into the purging every day thing again, and then there is the self harm thing. I still believe the self harm itself isn't a problem, but the fact that I feel like I need to do it is a problem. Same applies to the purging really, although I suppose that could be seen as more of a problem in that it isn't too good for you. I am also taking the laxatives every day, but just the amount you are supposed to so that isn't a problem, but I guess it isn't ideal I have started using them when I never have before. Things feel bad. I suppose things are bad. I am going to overdose. Not this week. I need to stick to my committment of the play on Friday - I don't want to let people down. But I am planning to do it after that. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive. I do really genuinely feel like this is the right decision. There is no way it could be described as a spur of the moment decision, as I have thought about suicide every day for years. And I am not in an unable to move, constant crying, unable to talk Depression. Therefore it is a perfectly rational decision which I am entitled to make. I know people won't agree with this, but I really do believe it. I have had enough.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago