Today was a really hard day. I am not sure why really - I can't put my finger on what was wrong. My appointment was quite difficult. I had a bit of a panic attack not long into it. There seemed to be lots of noises coming in from outside, like there was a dog barking, and a child crying, and someone banging something or cutting something down or something, and all the noises seemed to be getting louder and louder and really overwhelming and I couldn't hear what L was saying because the noises were too much. And it was getting more and more overwhelming and distressing and my heart was getting faster and faster, and I could feel myself drifting away and I ended up in a ball on my chair crying and hyperventilating a bit, which made me dizzy. It didn't last long I don't think, maybe just a few minutes and then I managed to start to slow my breathing down, but I felt really tense for the rest of the appointment and hyper aware of all the noises, and I kept feeling that I was starting to dissociate and have to try and pull myself back. I don't often have panic attacks. I have problems with anxiety, but usually it comes on more slowly, and so I can either try and calm myself down before it develops into a panic attack, or I take some Diazepam which stops it from going any further, and it just stays at little heart palpitations and feeling tense, rather than shaking and hyperventilating etc. It just came on so quickly and suddenly, and there was nothing to even cause it, which is weird - I generally know my triggers for anxiety/panic attacks, and so avoid them whenever possible, which is one of the reasons I don't have more panic attacks. But I just felt so weird, and everything felt really threatening and scary, even though they were just perfectly ordinary sounds that weren't even coming from the room or building. I really don't know what that was all about. L did say that I am very sensitive, and do seem to feel things more intensely than other people might, and so if I was already feeling bad then quite ordinary things could affect me. I see what she meant by that. I do seem to feel things very deeply, and sometimes that is good, and other times it can be bad.
I suppose the actual appointment itself was alright. It just didn't feel quite right. I don't know why. She asked if I had managed to think of any goals, as talked about at the CPA Review, which was the last time I had seen her. I said that I hadn't been able to think of anything, and she said again how important it was that we had some objective goals to work towards, so that there was proof that seeing her was helping etc. But it is difficult. It isn't practical things that I see as the major problems that need changing. I don't see how sorting out my sleep pattern, for example, is going to change anything - I will still feel the same, just asleep at different times. That seems pointless, until there is something to change my sleep pattern for. I need to change how I think and feel, but that isn't an objective goal and therefore won't do for the NHS, or it has to be achieved through making goals that are objective. She asked if I really wanted to change anything. That is a hard one. I don't want to carry on like this. I can't carry on like this. But I can't imagine things ever changing, and I don't know how making goals about my sleep patterns or eating regularly, or whatever else they have in mind, will change anything. And at the moment I don't know if I can cope with going through the struggle of changing things like that when I don't think it will actually change anything meaningful for me. So I don't know. I don't know if I want to change things. And if I don't know that, then I don't know if there is any point in seeing L, and being under Mental Health services. I feel like I am wasting her time because I can't think of any goals, and I can't make myself want anything enough. I just want to not be here, and I can't see past that. I did sit there today wondering if there was any point in keeping going, or if I am just wasting her time.
Something did bother me about my appointment with L today, but I feel a bit weird saying it. Those of you who regularly read my blog will probably have noticed that I am pretty attached to L and think she is fantastic and can do no wrong, because when I get attached to someone they are then perfect in my eyes. But if I am completely honest I felt a little invalidated at one point today, which I never usually do with L - she is very understanding and supportive. It was towards the end of the appointment, and I said something about my belief that it is my fault that my Granddad died, and I felt like she was really quite dismissive of it. She said something about it not being a realistic philosophy at all, and that she thought that talking about it would be giving it more credence than it deserved, or something along those lines, and that I am intelligent enough to know that it isn't a viable theory. I know it might sound stupid to other people, but it feels real to me, and it is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and that has upset me a lot the last few days, and I did feel like it was just completely brushed over, which just left me feeling really quite invalidated. Saying this makes me feel quite guilty and disloyal or something - L has always been fantastically supportive of me, and never made me feel like this before. But I did today, and I think I needed to acknowledge that, if just to myself.
I really feel like things have slipped a lot over the last 3 or 4 weeks. I am still purging - not every day, but probably 4 or 5 times a week, which is quite a big increase from nothing. And then there has been the self harm; I haven't done that since last week, but I did do it several times, which again isn't great when I hadn't done it for 9 months. And then just the suicidal thoughts generally have been so strong, and I have been feeling so overwhelmed by everything - normal noises causing a panic attack today were an example of that. Everything feels so big and loud and dangerous and scary. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop things spiralling any further, if that is possible, and I don't know how to cope with the suicidal thoughts, or the feelings of guilt, or anything else that I am experiencing at the moment. It is just all too much.