I feel shit. It's weird - an hour or two ago I was in one of my hyper moods with lots of energy, and now I have totally crashed. It was like normal - I didn't feel happy, but I had lots of energy, and I wanted to do something. I felt like singing, I was in the mood to sing, so I was singing, but it was midnight, and my dad was in the mood for sleeping, so I had to stop singing. And then I thought maybe I would go and make a cake, but I knew I would get bored half way through so I decided not to. And then a little while later my mood started dropping, for no reason, and all my energy disappeared, and I ended up feeling crap. I then just put the final nail in the coffin by going and weighing myself.
I ended up weighing myself in the night last night - I couldn't resist. It was good though, it made me pleased. I weighed less than I was expecting, and knew that meant I would have lost weight when I weighed properly today. And so when I woke up I weighed, and I had lost weight, and I was pleased. All good. Then today I ate more than I should have. For no reason. I wasn't hungry. I just felt like eating and so I ate. And then I got scared of what the scales would say tomorrow. Just now I needed to go to the toilet, so I went downstairs and went to the toilet, and then weighed myself. I was thinking over and over again 'Please don't be more than X', which I always do - I have a figure in my head that I need to be below whenever I weigh, based on what I have weighed the last time I have weighed myself, and to an extent on whether I think I have lost/gained since then. So I had the figure in my head, and I was a pound more than that. Which means that tomorrow when I weigh myself I will probably be best part of a pound more than I was today. And it is my own fault for being greedy. I hate myself. It made me feel sick when I saw the number come up. The scales have so much power over me. I was so pleased last night when I weighed and it was less than I was expecting - I was really happy about it. But when it is higher than I want, it actually feels like the end of the world. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but it is like being punched in the face. It makes me just want to cry and cut myself or overdose or just do anything self destructive. I am trying to content myself with biting my duvet really hard. It isn't really doing the job. I just hate myself so much. I feel so fat and greedy and disgusting, and I just don't understand how I can have so little self control and allow myself to eat an amount that will have made my weight do that. I know that my reaction seems disproportionate to gaining a pound (0.6 of a pound compared to last night actually, but I am wearing slightly lighter pyjamas tonight, so that makes up the rest of the pound) but it just feels so hideous.
I have a friend coming over tomorrow. I think I mentioned that yesterday. I am scared I will eat lots when she is here and gain even more weight. I can't cope with that. It terrifies me. I need my fucking self control back. I repulse myself. I wish I hadn't weighed myself tonight. I was already feeling terrible, and now I feel hideous and disgusting and greedy as well. I suppose at least it won't be a shock in the morning now. I just wish I could die. Not because of my weight. Or not just because of my weight anyway. It is just everything.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago