Various thoughts

I am not going to be able to go to ballet again tonight. My back is too bad, and whilst there are probably some things I could do, it would be pretty stupid to risk making it even worse. It is pretty painful the whole time - I can't find any position at all that is comfortable for it. The painkillers don't seem to make any difference whatsoever. The only thing to give me any relief is Tiger Balm, but it doesn't seem to help long term - just for the half hour after I put it on. As a result I am fairly grumpy. I don't like being in pain. I don't like having to miss ballet. I don't like knowing I have 2 weeks until Carousel opens, that the pas de deux still needs loads of work and I currently can't dance at all, let alone being chucked around in pas de deux. It is really quite concerning actually. I am going to go and see the physio tomorrow and hope that they perform some miracle cure. Which is obviously fairly unlikely, but if I can't get back to rehearsing properly over the next few days then I am seriously up shit creek. I really thought it would be completely better by now - it didn't hurt so much when I did it that I should be in this much pain a week later.

Not being able to dance makes me feel even worse about my weight. I had lost a little bit this morning but barely enough worth mentioning. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I was quite careful, but obviously not careful enough. It is difficult because I am meant to eat before taking the anti inflamatory tablets, and I am meant to take them first thing when I wake up and then 12 hours after that. The evening isn't a problem, as I am an evening eater, but I really have issues with eating when I wake up. Today I have to admit I didn't eat before taking them. I just can't make myself eat when I am not hungry, or don't feel like I need, particularly when I know I am not going to be burning any calories dancing. So I've not eaten yet today, which probably isn't that great for me really, but the weight gain of last week made me feel so terrible, and I just cannot cope with that, so I have to get my weight down somehow, even if that is through unhealthy methods. It is difficult because when I feel really depressed I do tend to comfort eat, and that obviously does lead to weight gain, which makes me feel even worse, so I need to stop myself from comfort eating even if I am feeling really shit, because it really does make my mood worse overall.

I am also a little stressed about eating, because my friend who came over in July is coming to stay again on Friday. She is really very ill with anorexia - her BMI is 13, and she purges and abuses laxatives as well, so she really is seriously ill. It is difficult to cope with being with someone who barely eats anything at all - partly because obviously I am very concerned about her health; I know that this could easily kill her, and that is scary. It is also hard because I know that there is no way at all that she would eat anything when I am not, so I feel like I have to eat at the right times to set a good example, but that is difficult for me to do - partly because I am not comfortable eating at those times, partly because it is inevitable that it will lead to weight gain and I can't cope with that, and also because it makes me feel really greedy to be eating so much in comparison to her, even though I know that she is very ill and obviously not eating enough. But I find it hard to eat when someone else isn't, and yet feel like I have to eat regularly so that she feels able to when she can. I was quite concerned about her coming over, as although she is a good friend, and I love seeing her, it does feel like quite a lot of pressure on me, both because I am concerned about her, and on my own eating habits. But if she didn't come here she was going to go and stay in London on her own, and I would have been even more worried about her then, and I do like seeing her, so I said she could come here. So she will be here from Friday until Tuesday. I just desperately don't want to gain weight, and really don't think I could cope with it, and I just don't see how I can avoid it so I am quite scared about that.