The CMHT just called and cancelled my appointment with L for this afternoon. They said that she has been called out to an emergency and would see me next Tuesday. That is a whole fucking week away and I feel shit. I might try and call tomorrow, but I don't know. I just feel really upset and disappointed. I always find cancelled appointments hard, and I have only seen her twice since not seeing her for 6 weeks. Plus I am feeling crap anyway and could have done with someone to talk to.
My friend went this morning. I love her, but it is really quite stressful spending a lot of time with someone as ill as she is at the moment. I did discover today that my weight damage wasn't quite as awful as I thought it was though - I have gained, but actually only 1lb, as I had already gained a bit before she came. I really need to lose as much as I possibly can in the next week before the show though. I suppose realistically I am not going to be able to lose more than 2lbs, and even that could be difficult. I am 4lbs heavier than what I had in my head as the maximum weight I could be for this show.
I am not feeling very well. I had a sore throat and a bit of a headache yesterday, and it feels worse and I also have a cold and earache today as well. I am already on shit loads of painkillers for my back, so to be feeling ill whilst taking them is a bit crap really. My back still isn't better. It is definitely better than it was, but it does still hurt, and it is certainly not completely better like I was hoping it would be by now. I danced at rehearsal last night - I missed out a couple of lifts that I thought would be particularly bad for it, but I did everything else. It is possibly slightly worse today, so I maybe shouldn't have done as much as I did. I have rehearsal again tonight, so I need to think about how much I should do, or can do without aggravating it. Making it worse now would be about the worst thing I could do, so I need to be careful.
I don't know what to do with myself really. I feel really awful, and the suicidal thoughts I wrote about yesterday are really strong, but I can't act on them, and that is making me feel really trapped and desperate.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh, that's a real shame L is unavailable for this week. I can relate that a week can feel like quite a while when things are crap. A call sounds like it may do some good.
ReplyDeleteI hope your back and cold gets better soon.
*hugs*
Take care,
Cassie x
Sorry your having such a bad day :( Try to hang in there and do something that make you feel "a little bit BETTER" maybe a movie or coffee with a friend?
ReplyDeleteDana xo
I'm so sorry L keeps on canceling on you. I can't imagine how hard that must be, given the amount of pain you're in right now. I'm glad that you are considering calling CMHT tomorrow-- that's really taking care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteHere listening.
Wishing you well,
NOS
How frustrating :( Sending hugs and strength to you honey <3 xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for the replies. I don't think there is really much I can do to make me feel better. I don't think anything would make me feel better when I feel like this, but I couldn't get anywhere anyway. I might see if there is any chance L could see me another day this week, but she probably wouldn't be able to, and I tend to get a bit stroppy when appointments are cancelled and not want to contact her at all. x
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. Is your CPN an AMHP? Eg has the power ro section people. Mine is and so often has to go to do emergency MHA assesments at late notice and cancel our appointments. However, when we make our next appointment she always tells me this is the case so I am prepared that it could be cancelled. Wondered if you could have a system like that with 'L?' Saying that though I still get very upset when 'S' does cancel and really can empathise with how you are feeling.
ReplyDelete