The CMHT just called and cancelled my appointment with L for this afternoon. They said that she has been called out to an emergency and would see me next Tuesday. That is a whole fucking week away and I feel shit. I might try and call tomorrow, but I don't know. I just feel really upset and disappointed. I always find cancelled appointments hard, and I have only seen her twice since not seeing her for 6 weeks. Plus I am feeling crap anyway and could have done with someone to talk to.
My friend went this morning. I love her, but it is really quite stressful spending a lot of time with someone as ill as she is at the moment. I did discover today that my weight damage wasn't quite as awful as I thought it was though - I have gained, but actually only 1lb, as I had already gained a bit before she came. I really need to lose as much as I possibly can in the next week before the show though. I suppose realistically I am not going to be able to lose more than 2lbs, and even that could be difficult. I am 4lbs heavier than what I had in my head as the maximum weight I could be for this show.
I am not feeling very well. I had a sore throat and a bit of a headache yesterday, and it feels worse and I also have a cold and earache today as well. I am already on shit loads of painkillers for my back, so to be feeling ill whilst taking them is a bit crap really. My back still isn't better. It is definitely better than it was, but it does still hurt, and it is certainly not completely better like I was hoping it would be by now. I danced at rehearsal last night - I missed out a couple of lifts that I thought would be particularly bad for it, but I did everything else. It is possibly slightly worse today, so I maybe shouldn't have done as much as I did. I have rehearsal again tonight, so I need to think about how much I should do, or can do without aggravating it. Making it worse now would be about the worst thing I could do, so I need to be careful.
I don't know what to do with myself really. I feel really awful, and the suicidal thoughts I wrote about yesterday are really strong, but I can't act on them, and that is making me feel really trapped and desperate.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago