Friday, 15 October 2010

The straw that broke the camel's back

I think my body hates me. Firstly, I hurt my back. My fault, fair enough, but why is it still not better?? I hurt it 2 and a half weeks ago (and then hurt it more 2 weeks ago), but I did then give it 10 days of complete rest and lots of anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers and a physio appointment and Tiger Balm, so I think I treated it nicely. But it still isn't better. It is still hurting me. Both my GP and the physio told me it would be completely better by now, and it is far from that. It is better than it was, but it still hurts a lot, and is definitely not completely better. I have been dancing this week, because I just couldn't afford to take any more time off rehearsing, but I have taken out the lift that was most likely to cause a problem, as it was how I originally hurt it, and today was the first time I have danced full out and done all of the other lifts etc. But it is definitely hurting. Although Tiger Balm is a godsend, and helps far more than any painkillers.

Then there is this cold/sore throat/earache thing I have going on. I don't feel terribly congested, which is supposedly what is wrong with my ear, as I can breathe through my nose etc, but my ear is still hurting despite the enormous quantities of painkillers I am taking for my back, and it feels weird - like when you have been swimming and have water stuck in your ear and everything sounds strange, except I haven't been swimming and got water stuck in my ear. And then the sore throat/cough thing. Then I also have 4 mouth ulcers which are pretty uncomfortable to say the least, and finally, just to add insult to injury, I got a spot today. Fabulous.

So I think it is safe to say that my body hates me. Or I am very run down. Or a combination of the two. Can bodies hate you? If they can I am going with that. Otherwise I suppose it is just stress and lack of sleep and bad timing.

I went to ballet last night despite feeling shit. I had missed 2 full weeks because of my back, and so decided that I really shouldn't let a cold stop me from going. It was ok, although possibly did make my back a little worse, although it is hard to tell really. Then tonight I had rehearsal, plus an extra dance rehearsal before to go through the pas de deux in the ballet as we have had so little rehearsal time. I think we have got it sorted now. My back hurt quite a lot after, but I don't have to dance again until Sunday now, so I have a couple of recovery days. And there isn't much I can do about it anyway. There isn't anyone who could replace me at this stage, so I just have to get on with it. It apparently looked beautiful (although I suspect that is a gross exaggeration) so at least I am not hurting myself for nothing...

Tomorrow I have a costume call in the evening, and have told my mum I will go shopping with her in the day. My cousin is getting married on Saturday and she apparently has nothing to wear, so I have to help her find something. I don't know whether to go to the wedding or not. It is all a bit difficult really. I would like to go, because it is my favourite cousin getting married, but I would need to travel there with my parents for the wedding at 12. They are then invited to the wedding breakfast in the afternoon, but I am not, and would therefore have about 6 hours to kill before the evening reception started, and I have no idea how I would fill that much time. Originally I was actually going to be invited to the wedding breakfast, but my siblings weren't, as they are all married with children, and the place they are having it is expensive, and all of them going would basically mean an extra 12 people. But my mother knew my sister would have an almighty strop if I was invited and she wasn't, so she told them not to invite me either. So I would have to leave the house at 10:30 with my parents, go to the wedding itself at 12, then find something to do for lots of hours until the evening reception started at 7. So that is a bit of a problem. I would like to see my cousin get married - I have always liked him, ever since he used to play hide and seek with me when I was little, despite being a lot older. In fact, I used to say that I was going to marry him when I was very young, before I realised that marrying your cousin wasn't the done thing. But 6 hours - what on earth could I do for 6 hours?!

The other problem with it is that I don't know what time I would get home, and I have to be at the band call for Carousel at 10 the next morning, until 2, then be at the theatre at 5 for the tech rehearsal, which should finish about 10, so I will be out the house for about 13 hours on Sunday, which is obviously a very long day, and it wouldn't be ideal to precede that with another long day. Plus techs tend to be pretty stressful, and hellish, as everything that can go wrong does, and you suddenly realise you are going to have to completely reset certain scenes, or the staging isn't what you were expecting, or your costume proves to be a nightmare, and you end up having to stop every 3 minutes because a lighting cue hasn't worked etc, and you keep being reminded that the tech rehearsal isn't for the actors, it is for the tech crew, but that doesn't make it any less of a nightmare, and everyone leaves thoroughly disheartened. Or that is my experience of techs anyway. Then on Monday I have the dress rehearsal, and am intending to go to ballet before as there won't be an issue timing wise, then I have performances Tuesday onwards. So the next week and a half is going to be pretty hectic.

So I can't decide whether I want to go out all day to a wedding the day before all that kicks off. The obvious answer would be no - it would be a fucking stupid thing to do when I am already ill and injured and tired and everything else. But weddings are special - it isn't like I can decide to go another day instead. But I just keep wondering what on earth I could do with those 6 hours in the middle, and do I really want to be out late the day before tech, or is that just asking for trouble? And if I do decide to go to the wedding then I also need to find something to wear tomorrow. What do you wear to a wedding in the autumn when the weather is crap? I only know what you wear to summer weddings. I also need to dye my hair tomorrow as it needs to be darker for the show really. Too much to do.

I am still feeling shit, but there isn't much to say about that really. Nothing new. My weight had gone up today, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I then rectified the sitation by eating nothing but junk food all day, which will ensure another gain tomorrow, and I will therefore feel even worse. T came over this afternoon to watch DVDs, and brought with him an enormous pizza and a chocolate orange. Actually he brought 2 enormous pizzas, but I only cooked 1 of them as there was no way I was eating more than half of one of those. So my food intake today has consisted of half a (giant) pizza, quarter of a chocolate orange, then at rehearsal there were jaffa cakes and Cadbury caramel nibbles, which I had quite a few of, and then a chocolate cookie my mum had brought home from work after rehearsal. So ermm the only non chocolate item of food I have eaten today is half a pizza. How spectacularly unhealthy and fattening. I really do disgust myself sometimes. So yes, weight is shit, will be even shitter tomorrow, feel depressed and suicidal, too much on, ill, injured, and have a spot. Life is going well. And yes, the spot does fucking matter. I am currently viewing it as the straw that broke the camel's back. A little tiny thing but just made me feel everything that could possibly be wrong, is.


  1. The ? maybe should be not if your body hates you but if you hate your body. The wedding decision is tough one tho, no matter which you choose to do, accept and do not 2nd guess your decision. I leave you with this thought... if we stay as we were and have been we will not see the need for change and unless changed from the inside out we will not see God. Check out the book of John in the Bible because life is short and eternity is forever. Share the Light.

  2. *hugs*

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Orange juice is wonderful.

    You need rest. Look after yourself.

  3. Re: your ear - could it be an inner ear infection? I had one when I was about 20 and it was *agony*; the only thing that helped were anti-biotics.

    Whatever the case, I'm sorry you're feeling miserable and that things are pretty crap :( Sending you big hugs and chicken soup xxx