Today has been a kind of weird day. I have been really emotional and up and down and I don't know why. It started off ok. I was very tired, and found it very difficult to get out of bed, but mood wise I wasn't feeling too bad. I was seeing L at 11, and that went fine - we spent rather a lot of the time chatting about random things, but I guess it is ok to do that sometimes. I think the day started going wrong after that.
My mum was supposed to be picking me up about 12:15 outside the CMHT. It was raining and cold. She wasn't there. I tried phoning her twice but she didn't answer. I tried calling my sister, as I guessed she had gone there. She answered and said she would come then, so I thought she would be there in 5 minutes or so. I didn't bother going back inside, as the main door has been broken for weeks and so you have to go around the back to get in, and since I thought she would be there in a few minutes I didn't think it would be worth it. So I just stood there and waited, and got colder and colder and colder. After about 15/20 minutes of waiting, by which time I was freezing and pretty pissed off, I phoned her again. She said she would be there in a minute. She finally turned up when I had been waiting for 25 minutes. It was really cold, I wasn't dressed *that* warmly, and I have crap circulation at the best of times. So by that time I was in a foul mood. If she had said she was going to be a while I would have waited inside or walked down to the shops, but it really annoyed me that she told me she would come, and therefore I stood outside in the freezing cold, whilst she was sitting around at my sister's house.
I was still freezing by the time we got home, so stood leaning against the radiator trying to warm up my feet, as they only warm up by touching something hot, rather than by warming up when the rest of me warms up. It wasn't really working very well as I was so cold. My mum then asked me to show her something, so I did, and in the meantime my dad stole the radiator and refused to let me back on it. He is really bloody childish, and he will do really stupid, immature things that wind me up, and I have a really short temper - I snap very quickly, and then I am furious. So I was freezing cold, pissed off with my mum for making me stand outside for so long, pissed off with my dad for being so stupid and not letting me back on the radiator, and ended up screaming and shouting and pushing both of them, before storming upstairs. Not a terribly mature reaction but I was angry and frustrated, and upset with my mum for not even apologising for leaving me outside for half an hour, and pissed off with my dad for being so bloody immature, and I just got really upset and locked myself in my room and put on my pyjamas and cried. I don't know why. Sure, I was irritated and frustrated, and grumpy because I was cold and wet, but my reaction was not proportionate to what had happened. I wanted to scream and shout and punch things and hurt myself, which I realise is not a rational reaction to being a bit cold.
I got into bed in my dressing gown and pyjamas and ended up going to sleep for at least 3 hours. I still felt shitty when I woke up - my feet were still like blocks of ice (my circulation really is shit) and I was just in a really bad mood still. My dad wasn't using his laptop, so I went online for a while and tried to warm up. I went downstairs at about 6 and had calmed down a lot by then. I still wasn't feeling good, but I was no longer feeling like I would hit anyone who came within 10 feet of me. I think I am still feeling pretty worn out and run down, and maybe that is why I reacted so much, plus of course I do tend to overreact rather. I think doing the show last week did tire me out - for a start it was tiring being out every night, and dancing and performing every night, but I actually think what I found more tiring than performing was being around people so much of the time, and therefore having to put on a happy face and chat and laugh, even when I wasn't feeling good. I really do find that exhausting, and even though I was around people I liked and got on well with, I wouldn't have been comfortable enough to let my mask slip. A couple of people last week said how confident I am, and actually I got quite irritated at one point, as I don't like curtain calls because you just have to stand there, not in character, and smile and bow etc, and it makes me feel very vulnerable - when I am on stage in character it is fine, but as soon as I have to stand there as me I am very uncomfortable, and I mentioned to someone that I don't like curtain calls because I am not very confident and so they make me feel awkward, and she said that I was wrong and I am very confident, and it actually really pissed me off. I don't even know her well - it was someone I had fairly little to do with, as she was one of the make up people and I do my own make up - I just chatted to her in the green room a little, and I hate that people make assumptions like that. I know it is natural to build up a picture of how you see someone, but it annoyed me that she thought she knew me better from meeting me about 3 times than I know myself. Surely if someone says something about themselves you don't contradict them?! Other people mentioned me being confident, but that didn't annoy me, as they just mentioned it in conversation - I hadn't specifically told them I am not confident and been told I was wrong like I was with her.
My sister is singing in a concert on Saturday. I haven't decided yet whether or not to go. I don't particularly want to, as I would actually rather stay in and watch crap TV like X Factor, and just chill out, as I feel like I have been out so much lately. There is also an element of not wanting to go because she didn't bother coming to see the show that I was in, so why should I go and see a concert she is singing in, which is pretty childish, but it does hurt me that she never makes any effort. I know she would like me to go, and will probably expect me to go, as I know quite a few people who sing in that choir, and was actually asked to do a reading at this concert myself, but I am just feeling a bit petty about the whole thing at the moment. I don't know - I will see how I feel later in the week. My back is still hurting, and my hips are still in seized up mode. I am hoping it will all start to relax a bit by the end of the week, as I am not doing anthing. My ulcers are also still very sore. It hurts to talk, and eating is really painful. I think I just need more sleep and more rest, and hopefully then I will also get less grumpy and less emotional.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago