I am feeling pretty shitty. It has been hard having my friend here. She is lovely, and it is great to see her, but it does feel like a lot of pressure, and I worry about how ill she is. I have also gained a lot of weight whilst she has been here. I am back to being as heavy as I was when I was in Cornwall I think. I say I think because I haven't weighed myself today, but I had gained 3lbs by yesterday, and ate an amount yesterday that would have made me gain weight for sure. So I am finding that incredibly hard to deal with. I was supposed to lose weight before Carousel - I had a goal weight, and then I had a weight that would be vaguely acceptable but a lot higher than I wanted, and I am about 5lbs higher than the second weight. I feel like a disgusting lump. And really sorry for the poor guy who has to lift me in the show. I really hate myself. I feel hideous. Just thinking about what I look like and my size makes me want to cry. I feel like such a failure for gaining weight, and for not having lost more in the weeks before this. I really do hate myself so much.
My back still isn't better. It is starting to feel a bit better, but it isn't completely better by any means, and I don't know how to balance rehearsing, which I obviously need to do since I only have 1 week to the show, with not making it worse, which would be a complete disaster. I want to just be able to do everything I need to, but I really cannot afford risking hurting it again. But leaving it much longer just makes it dodgier and dodgier in terms of rehearsing. So it is all a bit of a problem. I really expected it all to be completely better by now, and the fact that it isn't is obviously a pretty big problem.
I am not sure what to do tonight. I have a rehearsal, and there is the option of going to ballet. I think I could cope with ballet with my back like this as long as I didn't push it too much, but if I don't go to ballet then I can stay at home for 3 hours longer than if I go, as I am only in Act 2 of Carousel and so don't need to be there for the beginning of rehearsal, whereas if I go to ballet I will just have to stay for the whole thing. I kind of want to do ballet because I want to burn off some calories, but I just feel too grotesque to put myself in a leotard and tights - I don't think I can face it.
I really am feeling pretty low at the moment. Obviously partly the weight stuff is upsetting me, but it is more than that. My mood is just really low. I am having really strong suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't do anything now because of Carousel and not wanting to let people down, but I have been having very strong thoughts about doing it once the show is out of the way. I just don't want to be here. I suppose there is a chance things will change before then, but I doubt it very much. I don't remember the last day when I wouldn't have rather been dead. Sometimes I don't feel like I need to act on the feelings - it is just that given the choice between being dead and alive I would always choose death, but other times I just feel like I absolutely cannot cope with being alive and I just need to make everything stop, and that is what is going on at the moment. I really wish euthanasia was legal, and legal for people with mental health problems. I have just had enough, and I really feel like suicide is the right (maybe only?) option. I am exhausted. I wish I could just give up now, but I have to keep going for the next couple of weeks, I have to get through this show. But I just can't keep doing this. I really have had enough.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago