Friday, 8 October 2010

More future talk...

Thank you very much for all of the replies to the last post. Although everyone offered slightly different opinions, the general consensus did seem to be that I should apply this year, and a lot of people though that doing the 1 week course would be a good idea. My issue with the 1 week course isn't much to do with the course, but mostly to do with the accommodation. I contacted the college a few weeks ago to ask what they recommended for accommodation, and basically it isn't something I can see suiting me at all well, even for 1 week. It is a big house, and the landlady provides all the food (problem number 1 - I am incredibly fussy, and then obviously also eating disordered, and just think that would be a massive problem), and also the bedrooms are all shared with up to 5 people a room. I value my privacy far, far too much to consider sharing a room, even for a week. I would just find it completely stifling, and I just couldn't cope with it. If I had a friend in London I could stay with then I would definitely give it a go, but there isn't anyone, and so accommodation is definitely a problem. The alternative to the accommodation suggested by the college would be to find somewhere else, maybe at one of the YMCAs or a cheap B&B or something, but I am concerned that if I did that I would be very isolated in the evenings, as I would be on my own, which isn't great when I am feeling bad, and there is also still an issue with food. So accommodation would be a big concern.

Applying for 2011 entry for full time courses is difficult for several reasons. Firstly, if I had an audition come up and I was feeling how I have been lately I just couldn't go - I couldn't face it. You also have to put in an awful lot of work for audition preparation - finding suitable monologues is a case of spending hours and hours and hours in somewhere reading through hundreds of plays, and I just don't have the concentration to do that at the moment. Then you have to put in a lot of hours of work over at least a few months learning and preparing them, which I also don't have the concentration or motivation for. Technically this should all be done before you even send off audition forms, as you sometimes only get a couple of weeks notice of an audition date (although usually it is longer), and I would want to send my forms off by the end of November at the absolute latest - my original plan was October. So I am starting to push it a bit time wise, but I just haven't been in a good enough place to be preparing, and I still don't really feel up to it if I am honest. I am also worried because if I am doing auditions I need to be well enough to focus on it so completely - there is no point going to an audition if I am feeling shit, as it will not go well - if you are't completely connecting to your monologue then they can see and there is no point in going. I have had that before - I auditioned at a very good school and was feeling pretty crap, wasn't expecting to get through to the recall stage and yet somehow did, and I completely fell to pieces. I ended up having a proper panic attack (not in the actual audition, but when I was waiting to go back in) and then when I went in I was just absolutely shit, and they could so obviously tell something was wrong - after I had finished and gone out one of them came out and spoke to me and asked me to go back in, presumably to give me another chance as I had been so shit, but I was no better. And it just really destroyed my confidence - I usually really enjoy auditions, and being so terrible at that one worried me. But you can't bullshit your way through - if you aren't on top form there is always someone else who will be, and realistically I am not likely to be on top form much of the time when I am feeling as bad as I do the majority of the time. Plus it is expensive. Audition fees are a lot of money, and if I was applying then I would want to apply for a lot of colleges, as I don't see the point in just applying for a couple, so realistically it would be about £400 in audition fees, and then travelling fees, and sometimes I would need overnight accommodation too. It really does end up an expensive process, and so for obvious reasons I don't want to apply if I don't feel like I am going to have a good chance or be able to do my best.

I am aware I am sounding really negative, which I suppose should tell me something. I think the trouble is, if I am honest I don't feel like I am nearly ready or well enough to be auditioning for full time courses, but I feel like I need to, because I don't know how I will ever be able to change things to make myself well enough to do this, and every year that goes by I feel like I have wasted another year. But I feel like if I tried to apply at the moment I just wouldn't want to go to any of the auditions, I wouldn't feel up to it, and I would end up making myself stressed and more ill over it all. I suppose I have essentially answered my own question, but I don't want that to be the answer. I want to feel able to do it. I want to want to do it. I want to really care about something - to love doing it, and for it to excite me and make me happy. To look forward to rehearsals and auditions, rather than dreading them as I do now. I want to have my passion back. And I don't know how to get it. I just feel numb and dead. I feel like I am just a shell, and everything that made up me, and who I was, has disappeared, and I don't know if it will ever come back.


  1. It's really hard when our "issues" get in the way of what we want in our lives. For me, that's the greatest motivation for conquering my eating disorder-- I can't let it (and depression) take another year of my life away from me. But I understand how it's hard to have that attitude when you're feeling passionless.

    Just know that I'm here listening and supporting you.

    Wishing you well,

  2. You know Bip. I don't think you will ever be 'ready'. what I mean is there is never a 'perfect' time we can always talk ourselves out of things. But we have to give it a go. It's the opportunities we don't take in life we regret the most. I'm trying as you know. And lots of reasons not to. you can too. x

  3. I think you have answered to yourself that the full on course is not an option just yet. However, I think what you should do is set smaller more realistic goals, and they will help bring u closer to your bigger and ultimate goals. I think get into something local, teach kids singing/drama, help out at local productions etc. So it's in the feild you love, but it's still giving you the comfort of home. Then maybe aim to go away for a night and stay somewhere with a friend, just to practise. You could take your own food and everything. Don't give up on your dream hun, just build up some steps towards it.x

  4. *hugs* I think you should try and find something part-time, like lost said.

  5. Hi Bippidee,
    I have been busy with my own stuff lately, but I am getting caught up. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't motivated by extreme passion or even focus but you just know that it feels right on some level. I think that this is the case here. But, take it slowly and DO NOT PROECT outcomes. Stay in the moment. Maybe you'll find that keeping busy on your things might lead you to get involved, like Lost said, in some local productions or volunteering. You are very good at knowing when something is too much. I think that you should listen to your instincts and take very small steps towards change.

  6. Hey Bippidee,
    I haven't written on your blog before but read this last post and identified immediately with what I call "paralyzed passion." I have several issues that often times become the element that begins to suffocate something I really want to go for - my passion to do it starts to fight - my demon fights harder - my desire to do it continues to battle - and then it gets messy like I start to think doubtful like "do I really want to do this or do I feel obligated? am I trying to prove something?" What my therapist tells me is because of my bipolar and BPD, I best learn by bites, not meals. Take the passion by bites. VERY SIMILAR TO WHAT KRISTIN JUST SAID. By doing this, we build relationships slowly, which is what BPD's need to learn. Build the relationship with your passion slowly.
    Hope to get to know you better. Take care.

  7. That all makes a lot of sense. I have been very slow to learn, but sharing rooms during courses or conferences (except with a couple of people whose habits I know very well, and even then only at a pinch) is just too much extra stress. And I hate lack of food control too, it just stresses me. Given the living arrangements, it makes much more sense that you would be cautious about this course.

    I can really empathise with the problem of feeling that time is slipping away and you SHOULD/MUST try to do something when you also know that, in truth, you aren't well enough and might make yourself sicker by trying. And it's very hard for people outside to understand that 'just pull yourself together' or 'try harder' is sometimes impossible - however much we think we should, or even want to, do some things, it just isn't smart.

    Look after yourself, please? That comes first - and at lesat you are still managing to keep involved with different performing activities even when life is so dark, remember to take some pride in those achievements.